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All of my comedy stories, written in movie script form...

*Against a black screen*
Brick: I hope you don't find me too much of an asshole.
*Cut to Part7 on the floor, beaten badly*
Part7: *Struggles to breathe; Shakes from the desire to kill him*
Brick: I bet I could fry an egg on your head right now.... Mmmm... I could go for some eggs.... I wonder if there's a waffle house around here.
*Camera backs out*
*Behind Brick, 5 people in suits stand*
Brick: Now, I didn't do this just in the name of evil.... No, I just wanted to straighten some things out.
Part7: B-Brick... I'm pregnant!
Brick: Again?
Part7: It's your baby.

The 4th Skit for RIO by Vdg X...

*Cut to a dead woman on the floor*
... That was the maid of honor.
*Cut to headless body in a chair*
... That was the best man.
*Cut to a shot of a man smiling*
That's Tony Danza.... I don't know why that picture's in here.
*Cut to shot of a man with his face blown in*
... The groom.... Who I was to marry.
The pastor...
The piano player...
My friends...
His friends... The groom's, not Tony Danza's...
All dead...
*Cut to Part7, knocked out... bullet wound in the side of her head*
That's me...
*Cut to Part7, later... driving an old car*
Part7: *Driving* Looked dead didn't I? Well I'm not. But I was in coma, for 3 years. Three long years. And I'm out for revenge. I've killed..... Ummm.... *Takes out a calculator and messes with it* ... That decimal shouldn't be there... Uhhh *Throws it out* I killed a lot of people to be here. But I still have one more.... I am gonna... kill.... Brick.


Volume ONE...
*Suburban residence*
Part7: *Gets out of car and knocks on a door*
Cornet: *Opens the door* ... O_O
Part7: Brick, can't we ju- *Gets punched in the stomach and goes down* AUGH!
Cornet: *Stares her down*
Part7: *Stares back*
Cornet: *Stares* .... *Sneezes* .... *Has snot dripping from nose* Ewww.

Cornet: .... Aw shit. *Gets kicked in the face*
Part7: *Tackles her, into the house, as the door closes*
Cornet: Dammit! *Picks up a fire poker and swings it around*
Part7: Uhhh.... *Picks up a poodle*
Mitzy: RYUP!
Part7: *Hits Cornet with the poodle*
Cornet: AHHH! *THWACK* UGH! *THWACK!* OOOH! *Runs into kitchen*
Part7: *Throws the dog behind her*
Mitzy: YIP! *Thud*
Part7: *Runs into kitchen*
Cornet: *Throws a cookie jar in her face*
Part7: OW! That really hurt, you bitch! *Grabs a knife and throws it in her arm*
Cornet: AAHHHH!
Part7: *Gets another knife* Time to finish this!
Girl: *Enters* Mommy, I'm back from school.
Part7: *Hides knife*
Cornet: .... Hey... baby.
Girl: Why is there a mess in the living room?
Cornet: .... Umm... It was Mitzy.
Girl: ....
Mitzy: *Lies motionless on the floor*
Girl: Why is there a knife in your arm?
Cornet: Oh... It was a magic trick. *Pulls out knife* AHHH! MOTHER FUCK!.... *Holds knife* S-see.... m-m-magic. *Blood squirts from arm*
Girl: .... Who's this lady?
Cornet: This is mommy's friend.
Part7: Hi... You know, I would've had a kid your age... But fate didn't allow it... *Tears up* .... You two... could've been friends.... You could've made E-Z Bake cookies together.... You could of experimented with heroine, for the first time together... And you'd all go to school, and get suspended for- *On the verge of bursting with tears*- giving some boys a feel for $5.... *Sniff* BUT NO!.... CAUSE IT ALL HAD TO BE RIPPED AWAY!.... BY THE CRUEL HANDS OF THE REAPER!
Girl: ... I'm gonna go play Barbie. *Runs off*
Part7: *Recovers entirely* Cute kid.
*They sit down and have coffee*

This mom used to be one of us... A killer. She goes by Cornet, but back in the day, her codename was, "SPACESLUT"... She didn't have a very good codename.... Mine was "DARK WALRUS".... You know, most of us didn't have good codenames.

Cornet: So how have things been, "(BLEEP)".
Part7: O_O The fuck did you just call me, bitch?!
Cornet: Sorry, I'm a little tipsy.
Part7: .... Alright.
Cornet: I'm really sorry ab- *Throws salt in Part7's eyes* HYAH!
Part7: ..... Ow!
Cornet: *Grabs a gun*
Part7: *Throws a knife in Cornet's chest*
Cornet: ... Dammit... Didn't even make past the second post. *Falls down*
Part7: *Stands up and walks to the doorway*
Girl: *Stands there*
Part7: I'm sorry... She had it coming. When the time comes, you may fight me... In the future.
Girl: ....
Part7: .... You know what? *Stabs her* I better be cautious. *Leaves*
A few years earlier...
*Part7 lies motionless in a hospital; Still in a coma*
Part7: ....
*A man in a female nurse's uniform enters*
Twiggy: *Sigh* I always get the tranny jobs. Alright. *Gets out a bottle of liquid* Time to finish this, bitch.
*Cell phone plays "Ridin' Dirty"*
Twiggy: *Sigh* ... *Picks up phone* Yeah? .... Hi Brick.... Yes, I'm in her room right now.... No, but I just about to.... What?!.... You said "DON'T kill her?" .... No fucking way!.... Are you serious? .... You said that?.... This is unbelievable! I DROVE FOR 9 HOURS TO GET HERE! .... OH MY GOD!.... That is unbelievable! .... Well now what do I do? ..... Yeah, I'm near there...... *Sigh* Is the gift shop even open at this hour? ..... Alright, I'll get one of those snowglobe things.... Okay, bye. *Hangs up* OH MY FUCKING GOD!
Part7: .....
Twiggy: You were lucky this time.... But if you ever wake up, I'll kick your ass. *Turns to door and leaves*

His name was Twiggy... Codename "DRUNKEN HAMSTER".... For some reason Brick always gave him the missions that involved cross-dressing.... Never knew why.

*Suddenly there is movement*
Part7: *Jolts forward, awake*... What the hell? *Looks at a near-by calender* .... Oh my God.... I'VE TRAVELED FORWARD THROUGH TIME!.... *Sees medical chart under it* ... Oh... Coma... That's cool too.... Wait... My baby! *Looks down* Oh my God! They took my baby! *Wriggles around* Ooh, I bet I could fit into my jeans from high school now... But still, my baby!
*Suddenly footsteps are heard*
Orderly: *Laughing like a moron* Hehe. Uh-yeah, she in dere. She in dere, and she sleep. She sleep fo-evah!
*He enters with a trucker*
Orderly: Yeah, you see? You see? I tol' you! I tol' you she be sleep! And now, you can have seximal introcurse. An' she no know.
Trucker: .... Okay, then.
Orderly: Yeah. *Pulls off the blanket*
Part7: *Thinking* What the fuck?
Orderly: *Opens her gown, exposing her* Yeah. Dat. *Points* Dat where you put it in.
Trucker: ... I am aware.
Orderly: Good... Cuz nobuddy tol' me.
Trucker: ....
Part7: Great, just wonderful.
Orderly: Now, you pay me. You pay me TWENTY-SAYVEN dollar! NOW!
Trucker: *Hands him some bills*
Orderly: Ok, now I go buy candy. *Hunches over and hurries out the door*
Trucker: .... You know... This feels wrong, and I think I may just have to reconsider my future plan of actions, for fear of the very thing I'm about to do, will in turn betray my soul...
Part7: Oh thank God.
Trucker: .... Nah. *Drops pants*
Part7: Oh you little-
Orderly: *Eats candy bar quickly and walks back towards Part7's room*
BANG!.... BANG!...
Trucker: Oh God! *BASH*
Orderly: Shhhh! You gon' get me in trouble!
Orderly: ... Hey..... Whatch you doin' in dere?
*Blood pours under the door*
Orderly: .... YOU NOT DOIN' IT RIGHT! *Runs in, dropping the candy bar wrapper*
*Inside the place is a mess, the trucker is in several pieces; Part7 is nowhere to be seen*
Orderly: ............... *Seems to put a thought together* .......... *Loses that thought* .......
*Part7 comes out of nowhere and kicks him*
Orderly: OW! *Is grabbed and his head is placed on the hospital bed*
Part7: *Grabs the bed remote and presses "Close"*
*The bed slowly moves in a sandwhich position, with a buzz*
Orderly: AHHHHHHH!
Orderly: NO! NO!... AHHHHH!! OH GOD.... AHHHHH!
Part7: ... *Yawns*
*Bed finally lightly closes in on his head*
Part7: *Stops* Where is Brick?!
Part7: You're lying!
Part7: ..... What?
Orderly: *Pants fall down, revealing a tatoo reading "Sam" on his ass*
Part7: Sam?
Sam: My name Sam.... I gonna rub my ice cream on you nipple. *Holds a Klondike Bar*
Part7: .... *Holds down button*
Bzzzzzzzz- SQRISH! *Blood splatters everywhere*
Part7: Alright then. *Takes Sam's clothes and puts them on* .... *Finds his wallet, full of cash* Hehe... *Pulls out keys and looks at the tag on them* ..... Party Wagon?
*In a parking lot*
Part7: *Crawls on her belly* Gah... Fucking paralysis! *Continues to crawl until she finds a bright green jeep, with "Party Wagon" written on the back*... That's it.
*She opens the door and crawls inside*
Part7: *Panting, she crawls into the seat and focuses on her foot* Move your foot... Move your foot.... Move you foot.....

As I tried to move my foot, I thought to the guys who did this to me.







All led by: BRICK

The first one I had to kill... Shelby (DIRTY LOBSTER). Her parents were killed right in front of her..... by Pandas. An unusual sight, but horrifying non-the-less. She became a soldier, and one day, she slipped some poison into the bamboo heading to the Chinese Zoo where the pandas were kept... She got her revenge. Later she would join P.E.N.I.S..... *Giggles*

Part7: Wiggle your foot... *Knees self in the face* OW!..... You know what?.... That's good enough. *Starts to jeep and drives off*
*Part7 gets out of the jeep; time has apparently passed, as she as gotten new jeans, a t-shirt, and a jacket*
Part7: *Walks with a shovel until she reaches a patch of dirt* Aha!
*She digs*
Part7: *Pulls out something* Huh? *Pulls out a skull with a headress*.... Junk. *Tosses it and pulls out a box* Here we go.

I pulled out the things I had buried to escape my past. A magnum... A snub nose... A field knife... A shotgun... A vibra-... Um, I mean a flask >_>... and a picture of my unborn child... Then I found a few other boxes... Loaded with cash.

Part7: Oh yeah...

I got my money and went to a place where I'd only heard of... I went to the finest swordsman in all of RI....
*In a Japanese styled grill, no customers are there*
Vdg X: *Cleans the bar*
Joe: *Watches TV*
Part7: *Enters and sits at the bar*
Vdg X: *Smiles* English?
Part7: Umm, yeah I speak English.
Vdg X: No I was asking if your name was "English."
Part7: .... Uhh... No. Were you expecting someone named "English."
Vdg X: No, not really.
Part7: .... Umm, I'll have some sake.
Vdg X: Joe! SAKE!
Joe: *Gets up angrily and throws a bowl at the wall* ENOUGH!.... Every day, it's get the sake. Always, I get the sake. I'm TIRED OF GETTING THE SAKE!
Vdg X: Well, that's your fucking job, THAT'S WHY I FUCKING PAY YOU!
Joe: You pay me under minimum wage! That's illegal!
Vdg X: Shut up, Ching Chong!
Joe: That's another thing! You are blatantly racist against Asians!
Vdg X: Listen! I do not speak Chinese, okay?!
Joe: ...
Vdg X: Now you get the sake, Ching Chong!
Joe: MY NAME IS NOT CHING CHONG! You are racist!
Vdg X: You may know kung-fu, but I'll still kick your ass!
Joe: *Angrily storms off behind the bar*
Vdg X: Asshole...
Part7: ...
Vdg X: So, what brings you here?
Part7: I'm looking for a man.
Vdg X: Me too, bastard stole my lucky hat.
Part7: ... I'm looking for Vdg X.
Vdg X: .... Vdg X?
Joe: *Walks out with a bottle of sake* There, enjoy. *Walks away*
Vdg X: ... What do you want with Vdg X?
Part7: I need RI Steel.
Vdg X: Oh! Well, I have a mattress out back. It's pretty cozy, I could put on some records and we-
Part7: NO NO NO!... No.... I need a sword.
Vdg X: Oh... Why?
Part7: I have vermin to kill.
Vdg X: Then you take this. *Puts a bottle of Raid on the bar*
Part7: ... No, it's a metaphore.
Vdg X: .....
Part7: .... I have to kill people.
Vdg X: OH!... You very misleading. *Puts Raid next to various bottles on a shelf, all similar*
Part7: ... Umm, maybe you should seperate those more.
Vdg X: No, keeps roaches out of bottles.
Part7: *Winces*
*Later in the attic*
Vdg X: These are my art. *Shows her hundreds of swords*
Part7: May I?
Vdg X: Yes.
Part7: *Picks up a sword*
Vdg X: You like swords?.... I like baseball. *Throws baseball, hard*
Part7: *Turns* Wha- *Gets hit square in the face* OW! *Covers eye with hand* OH MY GOD! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
Vdg X: .... *Drinks from bottle of sake*
Part7: *Falls on knees* Damn!... That's SO gonna be black eye!
Vdg X: ... I no longer make weapons of death. Now, I dull swords and sell them to kids on eBay.
Part7: .... Then I'll take one of these and sharpen it.
Vdg X: NO! If I give away an item already on bid, my history will go down like 10%... And I can't afford for that to happen.
Part7: .... Please, help.
Vdg X: Why should I?
Part7: The vermin I intend to kill... Is someone you know.
Vdg X: Ah.... Kelly Ripa.
Part7: Uh- yeeeeeah. *Rolls eyes*
Vdg X: Fine. I shall make your weapon. In the mean-time, train. Train li- *Throws baseball without warning*
Part7: Wai- *Gets hit again* AUGH!... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Vdg X: .... Train. *Leaves*
Vdg X: *In a bathrobe, like a kimono* I am doing what I swore I would never do again.... Ching Chong, give it here.
Joe: *Sighs, but gives him the sword* I'm not even Asian.
Joe: ....
Part7: ....
Vdg X: I say, with only the slightest of drunkeness, that this is my finest sword. If you come across God in your journey, God will say, "Damn, man... That is a sharp sword." *Unsheathes it slightly* Revenge is never an easy path... It's like a hall of mirrors. You walk in there, and you're taking it easy then you're all, "Oh shit! I just ran into a mirror."... And... then the carnival worker has to come help you find a way out.
Part7: .... Right.... I guess.
Vdg X: My red-headed warrior... Repeat after me.
Part7: After me.
Vdg X: ... No, I me-.... Repeat all I say after this.
Part7: Oh.
Vdg X: Killing thy enemy is all...
Part7: Killing thy enemy is all...
Vdg X: Kill whoever stands in your way, whether it be a deadly ninja, a feeble old woman, or a small child.
Part7: Kill whoever stands in your way, whether it be a deadly ninja, a feeble old woman, or a small child.
Vdg X: I am...
Part7: I am...
Vdg X: Sofa-King...
Part7: Sofa-King...
Vdg X: Or knee.
Part7: Or knee.
Vdg X: Repeat that sentence.
Part7: Umm... I am Sofa-King or knee.
Vdg X: *Laughs* I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
Part7: ....
Vdg X: Now arise, warrior. Find and kill Kelly Ripa.
Part7: *Takes sword* ... Right.... Kelly Ripa. I'm gonna go and..... kill Kelly Ripa, then. *Hurries out*
Shelby hunted down all of the gangs in RI and killed everyone who didn't cooperate. In case you're wondering how Shelby became the leader of criminal activity in all of RI... It was only brought up once...

*Gangs are at a table, all of them are laughing and socializing, except one; Shelby sits at the end of the table*
rom_maniac: *Asian sterotype* AHAHA! Yes, very good time we having. Yes I rearry rike getting together like this. AHAWHAWHAWHAW!
Hyren: *Steams distressed* ........ *Throws bowl at wall, then goes back to staring at his nails*
All: .....
rom_maniac: .... YOU INSANE IN MEMBRANE?! That bowl very expensive! YOU PAY FOR BOWL! And you make mess on carpet! It just creaned this morning! YOU PAY ME!
Hyren: How can you all be joyous in this occasion!? We give up our hertiage.... For this?!.... To someone *Grimaces* .... whose name begins with an "S" ?!
All: *Talk amongst themselves*
Shelby: *Smirks and jumps on the table*
Shelby: *Reveals sword and slices off Hyren's head*
All: O_O
*Blood spews everywhere*
rom_maniac: ....... AWWWWWW! You know how much this cost to clean?!
Shelby: You listen here! I'm going to say this in Engrish to prove how serious I am! .... As your leader, I the complete knowledge that -- -- occasionally and with the method always of displaying appreciation, and my decision is final, encourage in order to ask a question to my logic. When it is not course of action agreeing upon of specification and I am wisest, it decided, so call to me. But permit the fact that you have of me be convinced. And I taboo... do not promise present time the right, under the argument which is subject excluding the subject which is fair.
rom_maniac: ...... *Hissing laugh* What the fuck? How drunk am I?
Shelby: *Picks up head* When you have negativity, I of the thing which it comes having simultaneously on the first letter of my name gather the price which pays your very head. Exactly, like this fucker here. Now you is not slowly when something other ones you obtain in order to say now very there is a time.
All: ....
Shelby: Good.
*In a restaurant, a private section for Shelby's crew*
Shelby: *Stands on a walk-way on the second floor*
*A large party commences below*

They were the Retarded 69. A gang dedicated to Shelby. They always wore tuxedos and Groucho Marx masks.
They were legendary for their skills with a sword.... And they were also legendary for what they could do with a cat, but we probably shouldn't get into that...
Livewire420: *Laughs at a bar*

Livewire420, the bald guy, led them. He has killed many. Men, women, children, and certain types of birds; He's killed them all.

Sickler: *Walks around, dressed normally*

Sickler, wasn't a member of the 69. He was in-fact O Re-.... Er... Shelby's lawyer. He's been able to get her off for any charge they've put her up for.

Judge: Shelby, you stand accused of murder, thievery, and raping a schoolboy. How do you plead?
Sickler: *Stands and speaks for Shelby* Not guilty.
Judge: .... You realize we have pictures. *Shows a picture of Shelby slicing up an old lady*
Sickler: ... Obvious photoshop... You can tell. that picture's far to realistic for real life.
Judge: ... And the video?
*Video shows Shelby shooting up a bar*
Sickler: .... An actor.
Judge: Audio?
Shelby on Tape: You like naughty girls? *Zip*
Boy on Tape: Look at dis color I make you! I color really pertty house!
Sickler: .... That is taken entirely out of context!

He's good.

Dart the Pirate: *Sits at bar, drunk*
Woman: You wanna go back to my place?
Dart the Pirate: You wanna screw me?
Woman: *Giggles* Maybe.
Dart the Pirate: ..... *Gets out a power drill* Or shall I screw you? *Laughs and inches closer*
*Screaming and blood splattering*
Dart the Pirate: Hahaha! .... Get it?.... It's a pun!.... I "screwed" you!.... That's really fucking funny.

That's Dart... A deadly assassin. Crazy as well. One time he rushed the stage at Cirque De Soleil. A lot of people died... It was on the news, Katie Couric covered it, and I think she actually won an Emmy for it... I'm not positi-... You get the point.

Part7: *Outside* This is where the fun starts. *Tries to unsheathe sword from her back*... *Can't quite reach high enough to get it fully out* Dammit! Come on! *Pulls repeatedly* Co- *Gets it, and loses balance* Whoa-whoa-whoa! *Falls into some trash*
*Party commences*
Dart the Pirate: *Looking at a waitor* You look like someone.... Who is it?
Waitor: *Wearing a green shirt and brown pants*
Dart the Pirate: Shaggy! Shaggy from Scooby Doo! You look like Shaggy! Oh my God! That is fucking hilarious. You're like a friggen mirror image of him. *Laughs*
Waitor: .... I miss the gang. It just hasn't been the same since Scooby died.

*In a bathroom in New Jersey*

*At a Wal-Mart*
Velma: *Handing out carts* Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart..... Welcome to Wal-Mart.

*At a rave*
Daphne: *Sniffs a line of cocaine* Ahhh! *Looks up, eyes bloodshot, mascara running* Auugg! *Starts to shake, and foam at the mouth*
Guy: Holy shit!
Daphne: *Passes out*
Guy: ... *Shakes her* .... *Unbuttons her pants*

*Back to the restaurant*
Waitor: .... *Walks out*
*At the front door*
Sickler: *Opens the door* Yes?
Part7: You Sickler?
Sickler: Yeah, why?
Part7: *Punches him in the stomach*
*Across the room the band is playing Numa Numa*
Shelby: I like this song.
Part7: *From across room* SHELBY!!!!
All: *Look to her*
Part7: *Holding Sickler with his arm twisted behind his back*
Sickler: OW! That really hurts, bitch!
Part7: We have unfinished business!
*The members of the Retarded 69 jump to their feet and get their swords ready*
Shelby: "(BLEEP)"
Part7: O_O You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Shelby: ....
Part7: ....
Shelby: ....
Part7: ....
Shelby: ....
Part7: ....
Part7: *Slices off Sickler's arm*
Sickler: AHHHHHHHH! *Blood gushes out in immense proportions* OH GOD! *Gush* My arm! MY ARM! *Splatter*
*Huge spray of blood covers the floor*
Sickler: AUGH! OH GOD! *Squrish!* AHHHH! *Slips in his own blood* AHHH! *Falls down*
Retarded 3: O_O
Retarded 5: Oh my God, that is just gross.
Sickler: *Lying in pool of blood* ..... I need a Band-Aid!
Shelby: Prepare for you demise! *To her assistant by her* Is that janitor still here? Get him up here with a mop.
Retarded 22: *Runs at Part7 with sword*
Part7: *Slashes sword in half*
Adam & Jamie: Bullshit. *Walk out*
Retarded 22: .... *Gets stabbed in the stomach and falls backwards*
All: ....
Shelby: ..... KILL HER!
*All 10 of the present Retarded 69 present jump up and run toward her screaming*
Part7: *Makes a few simple slashes*
All: ..... *Fall*
Part7: *Smirks*
Shelby: ....
Part7: ....
*Outside we can hear cars pull up*
Part7: ....
*Motorcycles arrive*
*Helicopters drop off several members*
Part7: ....
Shelby: ... You didn't really thi-
*More cars pull up*
Shelby: .... As I wa-
*More cars*
Shelby: .....
Part7: .....
Shelby: You didn't really think it'd be that easy, did you?
Part7: You know, for a second there... Yeah, I kinda did.
Shelby: Silly Rabbit...
Part7: I'm coo-coo for CoaCoa Puffs.
Shelby: .... What?
Part7: ... You know, like the commercial.
Shelby: No, that's a different cereal. The Silly Rabbit thing is from Trix.
Part7: The one with the marshmellows?
Shelby: No, that's Lucky Charms. Trix is the one with, "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids."
Part7: Oh! Yeah, I know that one.
*A rediculous amouth of the Retarded 69 burst through the door and surround them*
Part7: .... Holy hell.... I thought there were only 69 of you!
Retarded 72: We no count good.
Part7: .... Oh.
Singer: .... They're about to fight.... We better play a more badass song.
Band: Right.
*Band plays heavier music*
Part7: ... Bring it!
Retarded 76: *Charges* HIYAH!
Part7: *Slices his arm off*
Retarded 76: AHHHHHHH! *Falls down*
Part7: Oooh. I like this song. *Starts slashing*
*Blood spatters everywhere*
Part7: *Starts break-dancing, while slicing off their legs*
Part7: *Continues to slash*
Retarded 43: *Charges at her* AHHHHH!
Part7: *Falls backwards*
Retarded 43: *Is about to stab her*
Part7: *Locks her legs around his waist*
Retarded 43: Hot! *Gets thrown down and then slashed through the neck*
Part7: *Jumps up and slashes an attacker's hands off*
Retarded 68: AHHHHH!
Part7: *Slashes at the crowd in a fury of strikes* AHHHHH! *Slash* AHHHHHH! *Slash* AHHHHHH! *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash*
*Short calm*
Part7: *Looks down; has sliced off clothes to her black underwear* Uhh... *Blushes* Hold on a second. *Runs off screen, then back in the exact same jumpsuit she had earlier* Ok, now. *Kills 5 people*
*Very few are still alive and in one piece*
Part7: *Runs up the stairs as the swordsmen follow*
*Everyone runs into a room where the lights go off*
Part7: .... Who the hell turned off the lights?!.... And who's humping my leg?!
*5 surround her*
Part7: *Slices off one's head*
Retarded 5: *Squares off with Part7*
Part7: *Blocks, stabs the person behind her, then goes back to fighting the one in front of her*
Retarded 5: *Gets sliced in the chest and starts swaggering backwards*
Retarded 3: *Gets hit by 5 and falls out window* AHHHHH!
Part7: *Turns her attention to the last one*
Retarded 55: *Shakes*
Part7: *Turns on light and sees that the fighter is just a young boy*.... *Sigh*... *Slashes his sword off*
Retarded 55: AHH! *Drops handle*
Part7: *Slices his belt*
Retarded 55: *Pants fall down*
Part7: *Brings sword down an inch above his penis*
Retarded 55: AHHH! *Shakes*
Part7: Now go home, before I give you a bris!
Retarded 55: *Runs out the door*
*Part7 slices several others apart*
Livewire420: *Draws blade* You have done well... for a girl. But now you will meet your maker!
Part7: .... *Readies blade*
Livewire420: Hehehe.... Now we shall see how much of a warrior you are. It is back to the truly basic elements of combat. Steel, bone, flesh, and mind.... and blood too. All of these things equal to the ultimate human expression. Civilized battle. The one element of society that is a constant. It is all that will ever be, or ever was. Yes, all cultures practice it. It is the e-
Part7: E-excuse me. Can I just say something?
Livewire420: ..... What?
Part7: I'm sorry, you were dragging on there, so I went ahead and just sliced off your arms.
Livewire420: *Stops monologuing and looks at the stubs remaining*..... Ah, dammit!
Part7: .... Yeeeeah.
Livewire420: That just sucks! *Starts walking out the door* Fucking sucks! Somebody with all their fingers call me a cab! *Exits*
Part7: Hehe. Looks like I w- *Gets struck on her ass and falls forward* AUGH! *Gets up and looks behind her*
Dart the Pirate: *Has a ball on the end of a chain* I have a ball on the end of a chain... >_>
Part7: .... So I see.
Dart the Pirate: *Swings chain*
Part7: *Watches, moving her head, following the ball*
Dart the Pirate: *Smashes the ball into the wall*
Part7: *Doesn't flinch*
Dart the Pirate: ... *Strikes and hits a post* FUCK! This thing is hard to aim!... Screw it! *Grabs chain and lunges at Part7*
Part7: AHH! *Is taken down and strangled*
Dart the Pirate: *Squeezing the chain tighter* I am gonna kill you until you die!
Part7: *Struggling for air, notices something to her side*.... *Reaches for it*
Dart the Pirate: .... *Looks at watch*
Part7: *Finally grabs the item*
Dart the Pirate: ... *Has a swan's neck driven through skull*
Swan: *Head protruding through the other side of Dart's skull* QWACK! WHACK! *Flaps wings*
Dart the Pirate: ... Ow. *Falls over*
Part7: *Rubs neck and gets up* .... *Climbs stairs and looks at the mass of dead and injured*
Woman: *Slips in blood*
Bob Saget voice-over: *Mimicing old woman* I've fallen and I can't get up!
*Laugh track*
Part7: Those of you lucky enough to still be alive, you will leave today, and forget your life of crime. But leave your limbs to me!... I know some people who'd pay a lot for that shit! *Turns around and opens a door to the outside*
*Part7 walks into a snow-covered garden*
Part7: *Shivers and rubs arms* Jesus, that's cold!
Shelby: *In a kimono, with a sword* You've done well so far.
Part7: Dammit! *Rubs hands*
Shelby: ... It's not that bad.
Part7: Hey! I'm wearing all an all leather jumpsuit! And not real leather! I got this shit at a Japanese flea market.
Shelby: ... Do you want a jacket or something?
Part7: ... Nah, I'm good. *Readies sword*
Shelby: You're tool is fine indeed.
Part7: I DO NOT HAVE A PENIS! You take that back!
Shelby: ... The sword.
Part7: .... Oh. Ohhhhh! Yeah, I got it from great swordmaker.
Shelby: Who?
Part7: Vdg X.
Part7: Oh no, it's quite true.
Shelby: Prove it.
Part7: As you wish.
*They charge and slash swords*
Part7: You've gotten better.
Shelby: As have you... Which is really insulting to me, considering that you've been in a fucking coma for years... There's something you should know... I'm not left-handed. *Tosses sword to right hand*
Part7: Neither am I. *Changes hands*
*They slice some more at each other*
Part7: *Nipples protrude from suit*... FUCK! It's cold.
Shelby: *Blood drips down sleeve* ... Odd, considering I don't have any slashes in my clothing.
Part7: This is it.
Shelby: Yes.
Part7: Re- *Sneezes*...
Shelby: ...
Part7: *Ahem* Ready?
Shelby: *Raises sword*
Part7: *Does the same... the sword backwards* ... Umm... *Switches*
*They run at each other*
Both: HIYAH!
*They both stand 5 yards away from each other*
Both: *Stand*....
Shelby: *Turns around* Ha! I am unharmed. *Realizes "Part7 was here" has been sliced into her stomach*.... That really was a Vdg sword.... *Falls down*
Part7: *Sheathes blade silently*
Shelby: Did he make it for you?
Part7: Yes.
Shelby: He must've liked you.
Part7: ... He was also pretty drunk >_>.
Shelby: *Dies*
Part7: *Pleased* I am the victor. *Turns around to reveal huge slash in the back of her top, from the ends of each shoulder blade*... Aye. I better get the Neo Sporin.
Part7: Where is-
Sickler: YOU FUCKING BITCH! OH MY GOD! You sliced my fucking arms off! My legs!!! RIGHT FUCKING OFF!
Part7: ...
Sickler: *Bashing head into side of the trunk he is in* OH... MY... FUCKING... GOD! You sliced them off!
Part7: ....
Part7: Where is Brick?
Sickler: I'll never tell you!
Part7: ..... *Unzips his pants and gets out a knife*
Sickler: ON SECOND THOUGHT, he'll probably go to tell MetalGear that you're coming, MetalGear lives in a trailer out in the middle of nowhere, around a desert.
Part7: Good. *Sheathes knife* Now, you tell Brick that I'm coming. And there's gonna be hell to pay!
Sickler: What are you- *Gets pulled out of the trunk and thrown down a hill* AH-AH-AH-AH! *Rolls into some trash cans*
Part7: *Gets on motorcycle and tries to kick start it*... Come on..... *Kicks* Dammit! *Bike starts suddenly and the back wheel catches her pant leg* What the?! *All of her clothes rip off suddenly* ...... *Sits on the bike, naked as the day she was born* ....
Sickler: *From the ditch below* HAHAHA! Smooth! *Laughs* Nice ass!
Part7: *Mutters incoherently* Just great! *Rides off*
*In a dark room*
Sickler: *Is propped up in a chair*
Brick: *Circles menacingly* So... She's heading to MetalGear next?
Sickler: Yeah probably.
Brick: And you told her where he is?
Sickler: Yep.
Brick: ... Now explain to me why I shouldn't kill you.
Sickler: Listen, do you realize how hard it's going to be to jack off without any arms?
Brick: .... Good point. I suppose you've suffered enough.
Sickler: Got that right.
Brick: I have one more question.
Sickler: What?
Brick: Does she know her child is still a- *Slips and falls* OW! Dammit! Who left this fucking banana peel here?

TO BE CONTINUED..................................................................................

PULP [pulp] n.

1. A soft, moist, shapeless mass or matter.

2. A magazine or book containing lurid subject matter and
being characteristically printed on rough, unfinished paper.

3. The chunky shit that those guys put in your orange juice that nobody likes, and you're trying to drink a nice smooth orange juice, then you start choking on it and you're all like, "What the fuck? That is just retarded."

Webster's Dictionary: Simple Edition

*Two people sit at a table in a diner*
Shadow: Forget it, I don't want to do it.
Shelby: You always say that.
Shadow: Yeah, but I'm right this time.
Shelby: No you're not, you're never right.
Shadow: Name one time I was wrong.
Shelby: Well let's see... Oh yeah, I seem to remember a little incident at a birthday part-
Shadow: Okay! One time.
Shelby: Yeah, and my grandmother really enjoyed seeing your little- *Dangles index finger*
Shadow: Look! I thought a stripper would be funny, and it would be too awkward if it wasn't someone we all knew.
Shelby: You ruined the cake.
*Waitress pours coffee*
Waitress: O_O *Sets coffee down and runs out*
Shadow: ..... Thank you!
Shelby: Look, let's just do this. One last time.
Shadow: *Sigh* Okay, Eggplant.
Shelby: *Smiles* Alright Nutty-Butty.
*They jump up with guns*
Shelby: If any of you dicks, so much as sneeze I'll slit your throats an pee in it!
Shadow: O_O .... Dude, what the-
*Blaring music*
*Cut to a car driving down a road*
Bartimeaus: *Driving* Okay, tell me about the SK markets.
MetalGear: What about em?
Bartimeaus: Well, what's the thing with it?
MetalGear: Well, you can just come out and say, "I want SK for pics of my dick." And get paid, and they can't even get you if you don't fork over the pics.
Bartimeaus: *Chuckles* What else they got?
MetalGear: Well, the best part are the little differences. Like over there, they don't call SK "SK"... They call them kudos.
Bartimeaus: Kudos?
MetalGear: Yeah. You know what they call topics?
Bartumeaus: What?
MetalGear: Threads.
Bartimeaus: Hehe.... Threads. What do they call posts?
MetalGear: Shit, I don't know. I never really looked into it.
*Car is stopped as they stare into the trunk*
MetalGear: We should have shotguns for this.
Bartimeaus: Yeah.
MetalGear: Or tigers.
Bartimeaus: .... Tigers?
MetalGear: Yeah! We release some tigers, and they're all, "Ahhhhh! What the fuck!" *Chuckles* "Where'd the tigers come from." *Chuckle* Hehe... Yeah.
Bartimeaus: .......
MetalGear: ......
Bartimeaus: *Gets pistol and walks away*
MetalGear: Yeah.... tigers. *Closes trunk*
*They're in a building*
MetalGear: So what's her name?
Bartimeaus: Part7.
MetalGear: When did Mizua meet her?
Bartimeaus: I don't know. She used to be an actress.
MetalGear: Really?
Bartimeaus: Yeah, but just some skits.
MetalGear: Skits?
Bartimeaus: Yeah. You ever read a-
MetalGear: Nope.
Bartimeaus: I didn't finish. You ever re-
MetalGear: No.
Bartimeaus: .... Well, when you do re- *Waits*
MetalGear: .....
Bartimeaus: .... When you do, skits are these little things, where some guy writes these comedy things in like a movie script form.
MetalGear: Never heard of 'em.
*They step on an elevator*
Bartimeaus: You know oblivios?
MetalGear: What? Wasn't listening.
Bartimeaus: .....
MetalGear: .... Yeah, I know em.
Bartimeaus: Well, Mizua messed him up last week.
MetalGear: For what?
Bartimeaus: Part7.
MetalGear: Did he fuck her?
Bartimeaus: Nope.
MetalGear: Did he shoot whipped cream into her ears and pee in her mouth?
Bartimeaus: .... HOW THE FUCK, DO YOU GO FROM... Nevermind. No he didn't. Foot massage.
MetalGear: That's it?
Bartimeaus: Yep.
MetalGear: ..... What'd Mizua do?
Bartimeaus: Well, he grabbed him, ran him over the side of a balcony, he fell 5 stories into a fucking greenhouse.
MetalGear: Shit. He still alive?
Bartimeaus: Yeah, don't worry. Something broke his fall.
MetalGear: What?
Bartimeaus: *Sniff* Cutest little kindergarden class.
MetalGear: O_O
*Elevator arrives*
*They walk into the hall*
MetalGear: You don't think it was an overreaction?
Bartimeaus: Well he should've known.
MetalGear: But it's a foot massage. I would've atleast liked to rip off her clothes and pour mustard all over her.
Bartimeaus: ..... Nobody loved you as a child did they?
MetalGear: ..... Emotionally or physically?
Bartimeaus: .....
*They walk to door "42"*
MetalGear: Hehe... neat.
Bartimeaus: When it's time, we'll bust in. Then we mess with em a bit.
MetalGear: Alright. *Whispering* Hey... Is Part7 hot?
Bartimeaus: Why do you care?
MetalGear: He wants me to take care of her while he's on a trip.
Bartimeaus: Whoa... you mean.... *Makes pelvic thrusts*
MetalGear: No! He wants me to take her out. Show her the town and shit. Maybe go to that 90s resteraunt they just opened up.
Bartimeaus: *Looks at watch* We gotta go.
*They walk in*
MetalGear: Damn, they should really lock their door.
Bartimeaus: *Walking in* Hiya fellas!
MetalGear: *Follows*
*Two guys sit a table; One with his back against the wall*
Bartimeaus: ... I said, Hi.
All: ....
Bartimeaus: ..... I said.... Hi.
Twiggy: .... Hi.
Bartimeaus: There we go.
MetalGear: *Walks to the fridge* You got a Yoohoo?
Bartimeaus: *Sigh* MG!
MetalGear: .... What?
Bartimeaus: You're ruining the moment.
MetalGear: .... What, I'm thirsty.
Bartimeaus: You can't wait for a few seconds.
MetalGear: If I want a goddamned Yoohoo, I can get a goddamned Yoohoo!
Bartimeaus: ..... *Back to Twiggy* We're associates of your business partner... Mizua..... You remember Mizua?
Twiggy: .... Y-yeah.
Bartimeaus: *Looks at the table* Looks like we caught you at breakfast. Whatcha' eatin?
Twiggy: .... B-....
Bartimeaus: Burgers?
Twiggy: Y-yeah.
Bartimeaus: What kind?
Twiggy: Burger King.
MetalGear: Aw shit, yeah! I found a Yoohoo! *Shakes bottle*
Bartimeaus: ..... MG, dammit!
MetalGear: .... *Opens it and drinks*
Bartimeaus: I love Burger King. What kind you get?
Twiggy: The.... Texas Double Bacon Whopper.
Bartimeaus: Ooooh.... That's the one with the peppers.
Twiggy: Yeah.
Bartimeaus: That's good. Mind if I take a bite? *Picks up burger and takes a bite* Mmmmm... That's a tasty burger. MG, you want a bite?
MetalGear: *Drinks* After two people already bit some of it off? No.
Bartimeaus: ... What? You're a germaphobe now?
MetalGear: No, I'm not a fucking germaphobe. That's just disgusting.
Bartimeaus: You sayin' I have a germy mouth?
MetalGear: You know what I mean!
Bartimeaus: No, I'm afraid I don't.
MetalGear: .....
Bartimeaus: .... *Points to cup* What's in this? *Picks it up, ready to drink*
Twiggy: Semen.
Bartimeaus: ....... *Opens lid and looks inside* ..... Ya'll some fucked up motherfuckers.
MetalGear: *Stands with jaw wide open*
Bartimeaus: .... *Sets the cup back down*... *To the other person at the table* Where's the stuff?
Holy Monkey: *Thinks*
Serbitar: *Against the wall* It's unde-
Serbitar: Geeze, somebody's a little cranky.
Bartimeaus: Wha-.... Shut up! *Back to Holy Monkey* Where is it?
Holy Monkey: Under the bed.
MetalGear: *Reaches under the bed and pulls out a briefcase, he opens it and checks out what's inside*
Bartimeaus: We cool?
MetalGear: ..... We VERY cool.
Bartimeaus: Alright.
MetalGear: *Closes and walks to Bartimeaus*
Twiggy: Look, I'm real sorry about this. I just wanted Mizua to know tha-
MetalGear: *Shoots Holy Monkey several times*
Twiggy: HOLY FUCK!
Bartimeaus: As you were saying?
Twiggy: Huh?
Bartimeaus: What does Mizua look like?
Twiggy: What?
Bartimeaus: What country you from?
Twiggy: .... What?!
Bartimeaus: If a train leaving Seattle is going 50mph has left the station at 5:30 AM, how long would it take to cross paths with a train leaving New Jersey going 80mph, is neither made any stops along the way?
Twiggy: *Is writing on a notepad* Uhhh.... What?
Twiggy: WHAT?!
Bartimaus: What?!
MetalGear: Huh?
Serbitar: What?
Bartimeaus: ... What?
MetalGear: What, what?
Twiggy: What?
Serbitar: Huh?
MetalGear: What?
Twiggy: WHAT?!
Bartimeaus: Who?
Twiggy: What?
MetalGear: When?
Serbitar: Where?
Bartimeaus: What?
Serbitar: What?!
Bartimeaus: *Takes out gun* OKAY! I'm seriously confused now! Next person who says "what?" one more goddamned time, gets a bullet!
All: ....
Bartimeaus: Now, let me retort... Mizua... Does he look like a bitch?
MetalGear: What?
Bartimeaus: *Not thinking, shoots him in the thigh*
MetalGear: AUGH! Dammit!
Bartimeaus: Oh shit! Sorry, I got confused.
Bartimeaus: You ever read the bible Twiggy? Well there's this one verse I got memorized. Deuteronomy 25:11-12. "If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand." *Points gun* "Show her no pity." *Shoots*
Twiggy: *Falls over dead*
MetalGear: Dude... That was nice.
MushroomStomp: *Runs out and shoots* DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!


*In the back of a private bar*
ItachiUchiha: I don't wanna throw any fights.
Mizua: Well, you don't have many options. If you win, I lose. I lose, you lose.
ItachiUchiha: But in order for me to lose, I will win. Which is winning.
Mizua: .... Shut the fuck up. The fact of the matter is. You're gonna lose.
*Throws down money*
ItachiUchiha: .... *Takes*
Mizua: .... Any questions?
ItachiUchiha: ... Why do you have a band-aid on the back of your head?
Mizua: ... Bowling.
ItachiUchiha: .... Bowling?
Mizua: Yeah.
ItachiUchiha: ..... *Leaves*
*At bar*
Bartender: I heard you're taking out Part7.... Don't do anything stupid.
MetalGear: I fucking won't. I know she's with Mizua. And he'll fuck me up.
Bartender: You ever wish you were a German?
MetalGear: .... What?
Bartender: Hehehe. I think you know what I mean. *Winks* You know.... with the ducks.
MetalGear: ...... *Drinks*
*ItachiUchiha goes to sit down at a bar beside MetalGear*
ItachiUchiha: I'll have a pack of Green Limes.
Bartender: Filtered or shoved up a live squirrel's ass?
ItachiUchiha: N-..... *Looks at Bartender*...... Non-Filtered.
Bartender: At once, your honor. *Gives him a pack of cigarettes*
ItachiUchiha: .... *Notices MetalGear staring* You want something compadre?
MetalGear: I ain't your father.
ItachiUchiha: .... What?
MetalGear: .... You heard me.
Mizua: MG! In here.
*MetalGear walks into the room*
ItachiUchiha: *Realizes he's with Mizua* Guess I better let off.
Bartender: *Cleans bar* My sister can touch her ass with her nose.
ItachiUchiha: ..... *Looks at bartender*
*In a shabby bedroom*
Sickler: This is the cheapest I got. It's basic.
MetalGear: *Inspects bag of white powder* What about the other stuff.
Sickler: It's $20.
MetalGear: What?!
Sickler: It's very concentrated. Great stuff.
MetalGear: ..... Fine. *Pays him and takes a bag* This sugar will make my muffins taste great! .... Now about that coke.
Sickler: Oh yeah, here. *Throws him a bag*
MetalGear: *Catches and puts in his coat* You know what some asshole did to my car last month?
Sickler: Keyed it?
MetalGear: No. Filled it full of human shit.... I swear to God. I had to buy a new one.
Sickler: ......
MetalGear: This world's pretty fucked up, you know? Sometimes I think we're the only good people left.... Well I'll be back for more cocaine next week, tomorrow I have to kill a hooker and cut off her daughter's legs.
Sickler: See ya.
*MetalGear leaves*

Later... At Mizua's place.
*MetalGear walks to the door, straightening out his suit*
MetalGear: *Reads note* "Hi, MG. I'm getting dressed. Come on in and have a drink."... *Turns nob*... Nobody fucking locks their door anymore. *Walks in*
*He wanders around, finding the bar*
MetalGear: Alright. *Pours vodka and RealLemon*
Part7's Voice: *Over Intercome* Enjoying yourself?
MetalGear: *Spits out drink* HOLY SHIT! GHOSTS! *Takes out gun and rolls behind the couch*
Part7's Voice: ..... Ummm... It's me... Over the intercom.
MetalGear: *Gets up, rubbing his hair* Knew that. *Goes back to his drink*
Part7's Voice: Make yourself at home and I'll be down in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
MetalGear: *Mumbling* Fucking British. *Drinks*
*Part7 walks down the stairs, in a white blouse and black pants*
Part7: I'm rea- *Trips down the stairs, but lands on her feet* ...... *Regains balance*... I'm ready.
MetalGear: ....
*In the car in front of RabidSquirrel Flat's steakhouse*
MetalGear: The fuck?
Part7: This is it. It's a 90s diner.
MetalGear: ... Not what I expected it to look like.
Part7: Come on, don't be such a- *Draws triangle with fingers*
MetalGear: ..... You mean square?
Part7: ... Right.
*Part7 and MetalGear are sitting at a booth*
Waitor: *Dressed as John Travolta from Pulp Fiction* Hi, I'm Vincent, what do ya' want?
*MetalGear and the Waitor stare at each other*
Both: Nice suit.
MetalGear: I'll have a ribeye.
Waitor: Red or Well-Done?
MetalGear: Still on the fucking cow.
Part7: I'll have the same, and a cherry milkshake.
Waitor: Okay. *Mumbling* I hate my fucking life. I'm go- *Indistinct*
MetalGear: Did you just order a $4 shake?
Part7: ..... Yeah.
MetalGear: Was it full of heroin?
Part7: ... No.
MetalGear: .... Shit, that's a lot.
Part7: ... Most shakes tend to be that much.
MetalGear: .... Shut up. *Takes out a cigarette and lights it*
Part7: Mind I have one?
MetalGear: Go buy your own fucking cigarettes! These are mine!
Part7: O_O
MetalGear: I mean.... Sure. *Hands her one and lights it*
Part7: *Smokes* Thanks.
MetalGear: So I heard you did a skit.
Part7: Two actually.
MetalGear: What were they about?
Part7: Well, one was poking fun at MGS3.
MetalGear: Really? Sounds like fun. *Smokes*
Part7: The best part was, I was going to be able to tell a joke at the end... But it was cut.
MetalGear: What was the joke?
Part7: It's kinda corny.
MetalGear: Try me.
*5 Minutes later*
MetalGear: *Jaw wide open*
Part7: *Laughing* - So then she pulls the balloon out of her vagina, while the priest cleaned off his penis and then the rabbit walks in and says, "You'll never guess what happened to me today!" HAHAHA!
MetalGear: .....
Waitor: *Sets things on table*
MetalGear: .... They were gonna let you use THAT joke?
Part7: What?.... OH! The joke! No, this is just what happened at my 17th birthday party.
MetalGear: .... What about the joke?
Part7: I can't, it sucks.
MetalGear: Oh.
Part7: Hey, they're having a dance contest. How about we enter it?
MetalGear: I ain't no dancer..... Not anymore.
Flashback voices: TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!
Part7: O_o
MetalGear: .... Don't concern yourself.
Joe: *Onstage* Alright, due to people being completely stupid, we are not allowing any more submissions of the macarena.
All: Awwww.
Joe: ... Anyone else gonna dance?
Part7: Come on.
MetalGear: No.
Part7: I'll tell Mizua that you gave me a foot massage.
MetalGear: ..... Damn.
*They walk up onstage*
Part7: *Takes off high-heels and sets them aside*
snydfd83: *Grabs shoes* .... *Sniffs them and runs away with them*
Joe: Alright. Are you ready?.... Fuck it, I don't care. Just dance.
*"You Never Can Tell" plays*
MetalGear: *Takes off shoes and slides around in his socks*
Part7: Wow..... You suck.
MetalGear: I'm just warmin' up. *Spins her*
Part7: *Swings back* Not bad.
*Dancing gets progressively more skilled*
MetalGear: *Shuffles arms and then grabs Part7*
Part7: *Dips him.... Drops him*
MetalGear: OW!
Part7: ... Sorry, that looked easier than it was.
MetalGear: *Gets up... Puts rose in mouth*
Part7: *Swings around him and grabs the stem with her teeth*
MetalGear: *Spins her at amazing speed*
Part7: *Is practically one big blur*
*Audience watches, eyes following the spins*
MetalGear: .... *Looks at watch*
*Part7 slows down*
Part7: *Losing balance* .... Whoa. *Straigthens out* Here. *Picks up some knives and tosses them to MetalGear*
MetalGear: ... I got ya. *Starts throwing knives*
Part7: *Dodges them with amazing acrobatics*
MetalGear: Not a scratch.
Part7: Yeah. *Turns around to reveal horrifying scratches on her back*
MetalGear: O_O Aye!
Part7: *Turns back* What? What is it?
MetalGear: ..... Nothing.
*Later they're at the house, with the trophy*
Both: *Laughing*
Part7: *Holding trophy, wearing MetalGear's jacket* I can't believe we got it.
MetalGear: Good thing I saw who won, or else we wouldn't of known who to beat up.
Part7: Yeah. *Wipes blood off trophy* I'm gonna go freshen up. *Notices white powder in pocket* Hmm.... Sugar?
*In the living room*
MetalGear: *Watching TV*
ahahahaMOO: We believe that the aliens came he-
MetalGear: ... Part7?... *Gets up and walks upstairs* Par- *Sees her, knocked out*..... Oh fuck.
Sickler: *Masturbating in the kitchen*
*Phone rings*
Sickler: DAMMIT! I never get to fucking finish! *Picks up phone* Hello?
MetalGear: *Driving very fast* Sick?! I need help man! I'm in deep shit!
Sickler: *Zips up* How deep?
Sickler: *Jaw open* .... Go to a fucking hospital!
MetalGear: I CAN'T! They'd arrest me, no question. I'm heading over there.
Sickler: WHAT?! No! No!.... Are you on a cell phone?! I don't know you! PRANK CALL! PRANK CALL! *Bashes phone into table* PRANK CALL! *Throws it in a pot, and turns on the stove*.... *Fills the pot with oil, lighting it's contents on fire* PRANK CALL! *Throws the contents on the floor and stomps on the phone* PRANK CALL!
*Tires screech outside*
Sickler: Oh God! *Looks for a book* Cornet! Where's the fucking book?!
Cornet: .... What?
Sickler: THE GOD-DAMN MEDICAL BOOK! He's gonna be here soon!
*Car crashes through wall*
Sickler: .... Shit!
Cornet: .... He's here.
Sickler: ... Really? I had no fucking IDEA!
MetalGear: *Gets out, carrying Part7* WHAT DO I DO?
Sickler: Shit! I don't know!
Cornet: Who's that?
Sickler: She's none of your fucking business! *Runs into the kitchen* Come on!
MetalGear: *Follows*
*Part7's head bashes into the side of the door*
MetalGear: What do we do?! *Drops her*
Sickler: *Finds book* AHA! *Reading, grabs knife* Commence the preperation!
MetalGear: .....
Sickler: *Looks at cover* Fucking Lovecraft! *Finds other book*
Sickler: *Thumbs through it* I gotta find it! Umm.... Right now, elevate her legs. Or something! Make sure she can breathe.
MetalGear: Right!
Sickler: *Looks up*
MetalGear: *Is slapping Part7 repeatedly*
Sickler: .... Dude... The fuck?
MetalGear: .... So she can breathe.
Sickler: ..... We need a needle! I have some in my car. *Runs outside*
MetalGear: *Drags her by the arms*
Part7: *Slides* ..... *Pants and underwear slide off*
*They all are outside*
Sickler: *Opens trunk* Here! *Takes out needle and a few bottles*
MetalGear: Alright! *Drops Part7's hands* Now what?
Sickler: *Reads* Give me a sec.
*Dog grabs onto Part7's shirt and pulls it off*
MetalGear: *Oblivious* Hurry!
Part7: .... *Completely naked*
MetalGear: *Picks her up, under her armpits*
Sickler: The important thing is not to make a scene.
*A group of people stare as MetalGear holds Part7's naked, knocked-out body*
Sickler: ..... Back inside.
*MetalGear drags Part7 inside*
Cornet: Why is that girl naked?
MetalGear: What? *Looks down* .... What the hell?
Sickler: Ummm. Put her down.
MetalGear: *Drops her*
Sickler: No! I mean, on a table.
MetalGear: Oh, right! *Picks her up and sets her on table*
Sickler: I.... *Reads* Need adrenaline. *Runs into a room in the back*
*A huge pile of junk falls on him*
Sickler: AHHHH! *Is buried*
MetalGear: Hurry up!
Sickler: *Climbs out with a bottle* AHA! *Injects needle into bottle and draws out the adrenaline*
MetalGear: COME ON!
Sickler: *Runs in* We have to give her the shot!
MetalGear: Right! *Flips her over* Come on! *Slaps her ass cheek*
Sickler: I don't think it goes in the ass.
MetalGear: Are you sure?
Sickler: Let me check. *Walks over to the book, but trips on a bottle lying on the floor* AHHH! *Trips, and accidently stabs leg with the needle, and pressing the plunger* .... Ah, DAMMIT!
MetalGear: HURRY!
Sickler: *Starts running in circles, jabbering incoherently*
MetalGear: O_o
Sickler: *Calms down* Uuu-u-uh.... *Reads, hands shaking* We have to put it straight in her heart!
MetalGear: Ok! *Rolls her over* Man, if Mizua doesn't like foot massages, I'm guessing stabbing her in the boob, also crosses the line.
Sickler: So does killing her.
MetalGear: .... Oh yeah.
Sickler: *Picks up bottle off the floor* Here it is. *Fills needle with the contents of the bottle*
MetalGear: *Gets needle and injects her in the chest*....
All: ....
MetalGear: .... Why isn't this working?!
Sickler: *Reads bottle* ... Oh shit, this is the generic.
*2 hours later*
*MG and Sick sit down, taking turns injecting various parts of Part7*
Part7: *Has a few hundred needles sticking out of her body*
Sickler: ... Your turn.
MetalGear: *Yawns and injects her leg*
Sickler: *Injects her belly*
MetalGear: *Leans her on her side and injects her ass*
Part7: *Eyes shoot open and she jumps up, needles falling over the floor* AHHHHHHHHH!
MetalGear: O_O
Sickler: ..... Guess you were supposed to use the ass cheek.
Cornet: That was- *Yawn*- .... fucking trippy... Long and boring as hell, but trippy*
Part7: Wh-... why... Am I naked?
MetalGear: ....
Part7: ... *Places her arm over her chest and her hand over her crotch*
*The car pulls up in Mizua's lawn and MetalGear and Part7 get out; Part7 is wearing MG's jacket over her*
MetalGear: ... So how are we gonna handle this?
Part7: Mizua never finds out.
MetalGear: Right.... You gonna be ok?
Part7: Oh yeah, I feel much better. *Jacket slides off and she stumbles around in the nude*... *Tries to open door, by hitting it repeatedly*
MetalGear: .... Ummm... The knob.
Part7: Oh! Oh right! *Turns the knob and opens the door* ... You still wanna hear the joke?
MetalGear: Yeah sure.
*5 minutes later*
MetalGear: *Eyes wide opened*
Part7: So, the whole church is staring at her, butt-naked, with a live snake stuck in her ass crack. And Sam is tied up, his wang set on the edge of a table, about to be cut off. Whe-
MetalGear: Wait-wait-wait.... This is the joke?
Part7: Joke? No, this is when I first tried vodka and I tho-
MetalGear: GOOD NIGHT! *Gets in car and drives away*
Part7: *Watches him drive off*
Guy: *In distance* NICE BOOBS!
Part7: HEY!...... Thank you. *Goes inside*

*About 30 years ago, in a suburban house*
Mom: Son, somebody's here to see you.
ItachiUchiha: *Very young* Ok.
VE_hystrix: *Walks in, wearing a military uniform* Umm... *Slow, creepy kind of voice* Hello... Little fella. I was a good friend of your father's... Back in the Spice Wars. This was before the incident, when, while your father was getting a felatio from a woman, who we assume was Portuguese, was crushed by a large pile of elephant shit that for some reason, was in the room above him.... Anyway, that's not really important. The main thing is, that while serving with your father, he told me about you... your mother... and a cheap floozy who he was seeing on the side.
Mom: WHAT?!
VE_hystrix: Oh.... I'm sorry.... I thought you left.... You know, it's sort of rude to spy in on other people's conversations.
Mom: .... *Storms off in anger*
VE_hystrix: Anyway, back to the story. He told me about you, your mom, and Mrs. Gallen. He said that if something were to ever happen to him, and we were sure that he couldn't come back as a zombie, or his ghost didn't find me in 48 hours, I was supposed to give you his watch. *Holds out watch* Now, son... This watch was very important to your daddy. It was first stolen by your great-grandfather off of the corpse of a child who he stabbed to death, in a violent, drunken rage. After that it was passed down to your grandfather... who lost it in a poker game.... But stole it back, the next night. Then it was given to your daddy, who I fought with in the war. We were both captured and became POWs.... So he hid it in his ass... The truth be told, they didn't ever search anybody. And your father knew that... So until this day, I wondered why he hid it in his ass... I'll never truly know. When he died, his final wish was for me to hide it in my ass, until I could give it to you. I of course, didn't put it in my ass... Because their was honestly no point to it. So I give you this watch today. And you may one day pass it on to your son.
*Hands him watch*
ItachiUchiha: ... *Sniffs*

*Present day*
Ted: *Sportscast* My God, Al... I've never seen a fight like that... ever!
Al: It was truly vicous, Ted. I gotta wonder did Itachi even know he was killing that guy?
Ted: I don't think so... But you know, after he killed him, and was having sex with his corpse, I think it hit him.
Al: Agreed. But I think he beat the shit out of that old lady, just out of fear.
Ted: Still, it was brutal.
Al: ..... Ted?
Ted: ... Yeah?
Al: .... I love you.
Ted: .... The hell?
*Cut to a taxi cab*
Belmont: *Driving* Where ya headin'?
ItachiUchiha: Somewhere away from here.
Belmont: *Drives* You're that guy right? The one from the news?
ItachiUchiha: For the last goddamn time, she said she was 20!
Belmont: No! The fighter. You're the fighter.
ItachiUchiha: .... Oh.... Yeah.
Belmont: You really beat that guy?
ItachiUchiha: ... It's a little fuzzy... I don't remember anything after his head fell off.
Belmont: I can't believe you killed him.
ItachiUchiha: He's dead?!
Belmont: Yes, this is common to people whose heads fall off.... So what was it like?
ItachiUchiha: What?
Belmont: What's it like to kill a man.... With the sweat flying in the spotlight... Blood all over the floor, you grab both of his lifeless shoulders, then you pull down your pants-
ItachiUchiha: You're kinda messed up aren't you?
Belmont: No...
*Cut to ItachiUchiha at a payphone*
ItachiUchiha: Listen! I fucking killed him! I wasn't even supposed to win..... Yes, I do think Mizua will be mad!..... What?.... There's a bear in your house, you say? I'll be right over! *Hangs up* .... Wait, my name's not Smith.
*Later, the taxi pulls up in a parking lot of an apartment complex*
ItachiUchiha: Now if anyone asks who gave you your fare... You say what?
Belmont: The truth.... That you never paid me.
ItachiUchiha: .... Right. *Gets out*
*The next morning*
ItachiUchiha: *Dresses after showering* You ready, sugarbump?
Wife: Where will we go, lemon-pie?
ItachiUchiha: I don't know, schmoopy. But it'll be fine.
Wife: I trust you.
ItachiUchiha: No matter where we are, we'll have each other, love. *Looks in suitcase* .... *Throws suitcase down angrily* YOU FUCKING BITCH! *Throws her into the wall*
Wife: AHHHH! *Falls down*
ItachiUchiha: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY WATCH?! *Throws TV*
Wife: *Crying* I-I-I-I-
ItachiUchiha: Speak ENGLISH, RETARD!
Wife: I... thought I packed it.
Wife: .....
ItachiUchiha: .... I'm sorry, that wasn't cool.
Wife: .....
ItachiUchiha: Okay, you forgot it... I'll go get it.
Wife: ... Won't the gangsters be looking for you?
ItachiUchiha: AW SHIT! I FORGOT THE GANGSTERS! YOU LITTLE BITCH! *Is about to punch her* .... Naw, it'll be fine. *Walks outside*
*Later, ItachiUchiha drives to a street and gets out*
ItachiUchiha: *Looks casual... then jumps on a fence... the fence falls with him on it* Ow!.... Shit! *Gets up and continues into his old apartment*
ItachiUchiha: *Looks around and finds the watch* Alright. *Puts it on and sniffs it* This is it. *Gets a Coke out of the fridge* Hehe.... *Notices something on the table* .... *Picks up a large machine gun* The hell?
MetalGear: *Walks out of bathroom, spraying Lysol everywhere* Fucking nachoes. *Sees ItachiUchiha*
ItachiUchiha: .... *Grips gun*
MetalGear: ....
ItachiUchiha: ....
MetalGear: ....
ItachiUchiha: ....
MetalGear: ....
ItachiUchiha: ....
MetalGear: ....
ItachiUchiha: ....
MetalGear: .... Shit.
ItachiUchiha: *Holds down trigger*
MetalGear: .... *Unharmed, looks at the bullet holes all around him* ... Dude, you suck... You were literally 3 feet in front of me.... I honestly don't even see how it is humanly possible to miss from that distance.
ItachiUchiha: ....
MetalGear: *Gets out a knife* Hehe- *Plaster falls on head, knocking him out*
ItachiUchiha: .... *Gets a napkin and wipes the prints off of the gun and sets it down, walking away* .... *Gun explodes* ..... *Looks back; then exits*
*ItachiUchiha pulls up to a red light and stops, singing along with his radio*
ItachiUchiha: ... My, my, this here Anakin guy, maybe Va- *Sees someone in front of him* Holy shit.
Mizua: *Turns to look at him* ... The hell?
ItachiUchiha: ... *Hits the gas and rams him*
Mizua: *Flies backwards, doing a flip*
Judges: *Hold up 9.8 signs as crowd cheers*
*ItachiUchiha crashes into a streetlamp*
ItachiUchiha: AUGH! *Gets out and catches breath*
Mizua: Ow, my ass! *Gets up and points gun* You son of a bitch! *Fires*
ItachiUchiha: SHIT! *Runs*
Mizua: *Chases*
ItachiUchiha: *Runs into a Pwn Shop*
Hyren: *At counter* Can I help you? Jewelry, lawn mowers, hardcore anal rape, or a DVD?
ItachiUchiha: N-.... *Stares at him*.... No.
Mizua: *Runs in, to get punched out by ItachiUchiha*
Hyren: Oh snap.
ItachiUchiha: *Grabs gun and points it at Mizua* I'll show ya.
Hyren: *Points shotgun* STOP!
ItachiUchiha: This doesn't concern you!
Hyren: *Picks up phone* I got us some sexy toys.
Mizua: ... Nevermind! It doesn't concern you!
*In a dark room below the pawn shop*
ItachiUchiha: .... *Is tied to chair, with ball-gag in his mouth*
Mizua: *Is also restrained, but for some reason is tied to the chair backwards* ..... *Tries to talk through gag* Ooo aohe ee uh ou al!
ItachiUchiha: ..... Uh oo.
Hyren: *Walks down stairs*
Belmont: *Follows in police uniform*
ItachiUchiha: ...
Mizua: ...
Belmont: Who's first?
Hyren: The one on the left. He's got a pretty mouth.
*They drag the chair with Mizua into a back room*
Hyren: As for you... *Pulls lever and a trapdoor opens, a man walks out with a mask and tights*
ItachiUchiha: *Thinking* A gimp?
*Man walks into the light*
El Excretio: Aye aye aye! *Is a Lucha Libre wrestler*
*Mexican hat dance plays*
ItachiUchiha: The fuck?! *Is thrown into the wall*
El Excretio: AHAHAHA! ¿Que pasa? *Flexes*
Hyren: *Walks into back room and closes door*
ItachiUchiha: OW! I gotta get free.
Sny: *Rocks in an old chair, playing the banjo; Laughing hickishly* Eeehee-hee-hee-heeee-haw! *Plucks banjo*
ItachiUchiha: *Tries to break the ropes*
El Excretio: *Throws him again*
ItachiUchiha: *Realizes one arm of the chair has broken, slides ropes off of the arm*
El Excretio: *Walks forward* AHAHAHA!
ItachiUchiha: *Slings chair across Excretio's face, shattering it*
El Excretio: Buenos noches. *Passes out*
ItachiUchiha: *Frees self and takes out the gag*... *Looks at Sny*
Sny: *Continues to rock, laugh, and pick* Ahee- *Banjo gets smashed over head*... *Passes out*
ItachiUchiha: Ha! *Goes upstairs but hears something*
Mizua: Why do you need KY Jelly?.... Why are you pulling my pants down?..... Why are you pulling YOUR pants down?!.... Fuck... NO, NOT LITERALLY!
*Back upstairs*
ItachiUchiha: Nobody deserves that... Except for maybe Hitler and K-Fed.... Definately K-Fed. *Looks around the shop* Knife?... Too short. *Looks* Bat?... Not strong enough. *Looks* Fully-loaded machine gun?... That'd work, but it's a little flashy, ya know. *Looks* .... Aha! *Smiles*
Hyren: *Watches*
Belmont: *Is humping away*
Mizua: OW-AH! HOW FUCKING LONG DO YOU NEED?! OWWW! OH COME ON, YOU'RE DONE, I could feel it five minutes ago!
*Door opens*
Hyren: *Turns* Huh? *Is mauled by a bear* AHHHH!
Bear: RRAAAAWWWWRRRGGGGH! *Claws Hyren violently*
Hyren: OH GOD! AHHHHHH! *Is ripped apart*
Belmont: O_o
Mizua: *Pulls up pants and straddles over to ItachiUchiha* Ow.... Thanks.
ItachiUchiha: Yeah. Luckily I knew their only weakness... Getting eaten by bears.
Mizua: .... *Glances at him*
Belmont: *Gets tackled by bear* AHHHHHHH!
ItachiUchiha: .... What now?
Mizua: Us? We're done. This shit never happened. You get the hell out of here, and we never speak of this to nobody.
ItachiUchiha: .... That was a double negati-
Mizua: LEAVE!
ItachiUchiha: *Runs out and finds a motorcycle; rides away*
Wife: *Gets on* Where will we go?
ItachiUchiha: I don't know, but we'll be fine.
Wife: *Reads the side of the bike* Who's Fonzie?
ItachiUchiha: ..... Nobody.... Nobody. *Rides off*
Fonzie: *Runs to where the bike was, just a second too late* Ah! *Yelling* GO SIT ON IT!.... Jerk.
*Scene fades out to the theme of "Happy Days"*

MushroomStomp: *Holds the gun, out of bullets*
MetalGear: .... *Looks at self*... *Looks to Bartimeaus*
Bartimeaus: *Looks to MetalGear; they both look to MushroomStomp*
*They raise their guns and blow him away*
Bartimeaus: Holy shit...
MetalGear: Yeah, how lucky were we?
Bartimeaus: Luck? That ain't fucking luck! The bullets went right through us!
MetalGear: Bullshit.
Bartimeaus: *Look at the bullet holes*
MetalGear: *Looks at wall*
*The wall is filled with holes, every inch of it*
MetalGear: .... Your point?
Bartimeaus: ... It is im-fucking-possible to for all of those bullets to make that type of contact with the wall, without a single one touching us. This wasn't luck. This is devine intervention.
Bartimeaus: .... DIVINE intervention.
MetalGear: ....
Bartimeaus: .... Help from God.
MetalGear: Oh!..... That's bull.
Bartimeaus: Then how do you explain this?
MetalGear: ... Solar winds.
Bartimeaus: ... Solar winds?
MetalGear: ... Yes.
Bartimeaus: Solar fucking winds? Solar winds which are formed on the sun, which have the vast emptiness of space to travel through, this one happened to somehow, travel into this apartment, and distort the path of all of those bullets, at that very second.
MetalGear: .... Yes.
Bartimeaus: What about the fact that some of these bullets are floating in mid-air? *Picks up a bullet, which is just floating there*
MetalGear: .... That's reasonable.
Bartimeaus: And what about this? *Points to grafitti on the wall*
*Grafitti reads: "Jesus was here, and saved your ass."*
MetalGear: .... That-.... That was there before.
Bartimeaus: .... *Walks to the door* Serbitar, come with us.
MetalGear: *Looks around*... *Chuckles* That Bart; crazy... *Laughing* divine.... inter-... interde-... interdemension.
Jesus: *Walks around behind MG*.... *Eats a Cheez-It*... *Vanishes*
MetalGear: *Walks out, oblivious*
*Later, in car*
MetalGear: *In passenger's seat* Maybe.... Maybe we're in the Matrix.
Bartimeaus: We're not in the goddamn matrix.
MetalGear: God-dammit Bart-
Bartimeaus: Don't use blasphemy!
MetalGear: .... You just said "goddamn matrix" 2 seconds ago!
MetalGear: ....
Bartimeaus: ... I'm retiring after this.
MetalGear: Oh come on!
Bartimeaus: No, I'm quittin'.
MetalGear: *Looks in the back seat* Serbitar, what do you think?
Serbitar: No opinion.
MetalGear: Oh-
MetalGear: Oh, hang on, you have a fly on your nose. *Points gun and shoots*
*Blood splatters everywhere*
Bartimeaus: WHAT THE FUCK!?
MetalGear: *Spits out a chunk of flesh, which has flown in his mouth* Damn! I must've missed.
MetalGear: I wasn't thinking!
Bartimeaus: Oh my God! Did your mother drop you as a child?!
MetalGear: Twice.... why?
Bartimeaus: .... Shit.
MetalGear: And there was that time, when my dad accidently left me in the washing machine, during heavy rinse.
Bartimeaus: O_o.... I know a guy around here. We'll head to his house. *Turns*
*Bartimeaus is in a kitchen, sort of cleaned up, but his clothes are still soaked with blood*
Bartimeaus: Man, we really appreciate this. *Drinks coffee*
Bartimeaus: Damn. This is some good shit. I believe I taste some whiskey in here, too.
Vdg X: *In a bathrobe, staring, angrily* ......
Bartimeaus: I mean.... we would've been happy with regular coffee.
MetalGear: *Walks in; a toilet is flushing as he enters* Damn. Don't go in your bathroom for awhile. I couldn't find any paper, but don't worry, I found a towel.
Vdg X: ....
Bartimeaus: Ummm... *Nervous laugh* I mean this is-
Vdg X: Cut the shit. I know how good the fucking coffee is... I know that I put whiskey in it. That's not what concerns me. What concerns me is the dead fucker in my garage.
Bartimeaus: ....
Vdg X: Let me ask you, when you drove up did you see a sign that said, "Dead Fucker Storage?"
Bartimeaus: ....
Vdg X: Did you see the fucking sign, that said, "Dead Fucker Storage?"
Bartimeaus: ... V, we d-
Vdg X: Answer the damn question! Did you see the sign that said, "Dead Fucker Storage?!"... You know why you didn't see that sign?.... Cause you ran it the fuck over, when you pulled into my lawn! Now I gotta go out there, and fix that fucking sign, which I don't even know why I have any more. Because I DON'T FUCKING STORE DEAD FUCKING FUCKERS ANYMORE!!!
Bartimeaus: V-
Vdg X: NO! If my fucking wife comes home, she is going to hand my balls to me in a box!
Bartimeaus: When did you get married?
Vdg X: 2 years ago, and thanks for not coming to the wedding asshole!
Bartimeaus: I'm sorry, something came up.
Bartimeaus: .... Oh yeah.
Vdg X: Now, I'm gonna get divorced, cause you hide a corpse in my garage! Make some calls, get the fuck outta here!
Bartimeaus: Right.
*At a fancy pool party*
Mizua: *Picks up phone* Yeah?.... Oh shit..... Yes, we do have a problem..... I don't know..... I'll send, "Him"..... Yes, him..... Right. Bye..... Well, we don't really have time.... No, I like talking to you..... Well, tell MG I said Hi too..... That's really none of your business..... We don't have time for this.....
*He hangs up and picks up a newspaper*
Mizua: *Reads* Ah, my horoscope.... "You will recieve an unexpected romance soon".... Hmmm... Nice.
Mizua: *Over phone* Can you handle it?
Brick: Waffle Drive, right? That's a 40 minute drive. I'll be there in 10.
9 minutes and 59 seconds later...
Brick: *Gets out of car and looks at watch* Fuck, I am good! *Walks into house*
Brick: Okay. You must be Vdg.
Vdg X: Yeah.
Brick: And your wife is coming home in an hour?
Vdg X: Yeah.
Brick: And I imagine she does not want to find a corpse in her garage?
Vdg X: Well.... Not that corpse.
Brick: ..... Right. Gentlemen, let's get to work.
*In the garage, Brick inspects the car, which is covered in blood and guts*
Brick: Shit... Looks like the car I lost my virginity in... One shot did this?
MetalGear: *Coughs*
Bartimeaus: *Annoyed voice* Somebody shot him 5 more times, because he doesn't like walking around with a clip unless it's full.
MetalGear: ... It bothers me.
Brick: .... Riiiiight. You two, get to work scrubbing out all of the guts, don't worry about the stains from the blood...... and what appears to be semen.
MetalGear: I told you I heard him jacking off back there.
Bartimeaus:: Yeah, yeah.
Brick: Now, once you get all of the messy parts out, you gotta clean those windows. Really good.... well... Which is it?
Bartimeaus: I think it's "well".
MetalGear: No, that's a big fish.
All: *Stare at MG*
MetalGear: .... It IS a fucking fish!
Brick: *Cough* ... Anyway, you two get it clean. Vdg, come with me. *They leave*
Bartimeaus: *Gets a sponge*
MetalGear: *Gets a swiffer*
Vdg X: These sheets are really expensive.
Brick: Yeah, but we need em to cover the blood.
Vdg X: But-
Brick: Vdg, why don't- *Takes out a roll of $100 bills and starts counting out several of them* you take some money and buy a new tv... A big ass, flat-screen TV. I like Panasonic myself, how about you.
Vdg X: *Watches him count out more money* .... Panasonic's good.
*MG and Bart are cleaning the car quickly*
Bartimeaus: *Scrubs out the seats and puts the body in the trunk* There. How you coming?
MetalGear: *Cleans hood*
Bartimeaus: ... Was there blood on the hood?
MetalGear: ..... No.
MetalGear: .... There were bugs on it.
Bartimeaus: ....
*Vdg X and Brick walk in*
Brick: That's good. Now follow me outside.
*They head into the backyard*
Brick: Strip to your underwear.
*They do so*
Bartimeaus: *Strips to boxers* Now-
All: ....
MetalGear: *Wearing a bright red thong* ..... What?
Brick: .... Ummm.... *Hoses them off*
Both: AHHH!
Bartimeaus: Geeze that's cold!
Brick: *Turns off water*
Vdg X: *Throws them some clothes and they put them on*
Bartimeaus: *Wearing cut-off jeans and a tank-top*.... You gotta be kidding.
MetalGear: *Wearing tight leather pants and a t-shirt, reading "Slut"* .... It's breezy. *Stretches*
Vdg X: .... You guys look like a couple of.... something that even RIO won't let me say.
*Outside of an impound*
Bartimeaus: ....
MetalGear: .... Does this shirt clash?
Bartimeaus: *Glares angrily*
MetalGear: .... Yes?
Brick: *Walks out with a mechanic* Boys, it's all taken care of.
Livewire420: *Wipes hands on his pants* Yeah i- *Looks at their clothes*... Ummm, it's all taken care of.
MetalGear: The car?
Livewire420: Um, we scrapped it.
MetalGear: ... Was that necessary?!
Livewire420: No, we put it on the wrong list. *Walks back inside*
Both: .....
Brick: Well, I'm off. See you guys later. *Gets in car*
Bartimeaus: How about a li- *Dirt spins in his face*
*The car speeds off*
Bartimeaus: ... Isn't that just wonderful.... FUCKING PERFECT! *Kicks ground*
MetalGear: ... I'm hungry. Wanna go to IHOP?
Bartimeaus: ....
MetalGear: .... Yeah, I'm going to IHOP. *Walks away*
Bartimeaus: ..... *Follows*
*In a diner, MetalGear has a plate of waffles and sausage, Bartimeaus has a plate of pancakes and bacon*
MetalGear: *Pours syrup* .... You gonna eat that bacon?
Bartimeaus: Nah. *Gives it to him*
MetalGear: You Jewish?
Bartimeaus: No, I'm trying to cut back on grease. It's bad for you.
MetalGear: Bullshit. The grease thing is just a scam. *Bites bacon, grease pouring from mouth*
Bartimeaus: ... Maybe.
MetalGear: ..... *Hits chest* .... Sorry, my heart stopped for a second.
Bartimeaus: .... You know, I'm still bothered by that little event.
MetalGear: Dammit, Bart! It was Mardi Gras, I thought you were supposed to jump on the floats!
Bartimeaus: No, not that. I've made my peace with that.
MetalGear: ... Oh... Good. *Chuckles* Stole that asshole's beads.
Bartimeaus: That was Snoop Dogg.
MetalGear: .... So?
Bartimeaus: Anyway, I'm thinking of the miracle this morning.
MetalGear: Miracle? *Snorts*
Bartimeaus: Do you even know what a miracle is?
MetalGear: Hockey movie..... With Kurt Russell.
Bartimeaus: *Slaps forehead* You dumb mother-... NO! A miracle is an event in which God interferes so that his plans will continue in motion.
MetalGear: Blah, blah, blah... So you're really gonna quit?
Bartimeaus: Yep. Maybe become someone important, like a dentist, or a figure-skater.
MetalGear: What if you wind up broke?
Bartimeaus: I can dig into our "Cuss Jar".
*Quick shot to a bucket, filled to the rim with $100 bills*
MetalGear: Oh yeah.... Well I think it's silly.
Bartimeaus: You can, but I think it is God's will.
MetalGear: ..... I'm bored. I'm gonna go masturbate in the restroom. *Gets up and exits*
Bartimeaus: *Drinks coffee*
Shadow: Alright! *Pointing gun* Everybody be cool!
Bartimeaus: .... Un-fucking-believable.
Bartimeaus: *Gets out wallet and puts it on the table*
Shadow: *Collects people's wallets* Alright, this is good.
Shelby: *Runs into the kitchen*
*Crashing and banging*
Shadow: Holy shit! Is everything alright?
Shelby: I ran right into the fucking wall!
Shadow: .... Right. *Goes to Bartimeaus* What's in the briefcase?
Bartimeaus: Your mama.
Shadow: WHAT?! *Points gun at his face*
Bartimeaus: *Chuckles* That's funny, cause while you were distracted I was able to get out my gun. *Reveals pistol under the table.... Ha*
Shadow: .... *Sits down and drops the gun*
Bartimeaus: I'm gonna open this briefcase... You look inside.
Shelby: *Walks out* I got so-... *Points gun* OH MY GOD!
Bartimeaus: *Opens case*
*Meanwhile in the bathroom*
MetalGear: *Grunting repeatedly, oblivious to the chaos outside*
*In the diner*
Shadow: Is that what I think it is?
Bartimeaus: Yep. Amazing isn't it?
Shadow: It's beatiful.
Bartimeaus: Yeah.
Shelby: *Still fidgeting, pointing gun around*
Bartimeaus: Now let's be like Mr. T.... What is Mr. T like?
Shelby: He-he's... uhh...
Mr. T: I'm cool, fool. *Leaves*
Shelby: Cool?
Bartimeaus: Right... Now normally, both of you would be dead. But today, my life has changed... Today I witnessed a-
MetalGear: *Walks out of bathroom*... HOLY FUCK! *Takes out gun and shoots Shadow and Shelby*
Shadow: *Hit in the ass* AHHHHHHHH! *Falls down*
Shelby: *In the leg* OH MY GOD! *Falls, shooting the manager*
Manager: AHHHHHHH!
MetalGear: *Shoots two pedestrians*
Shelby: *Fires at MetalGear, but hits another guy behind him*
*Everyone wriggles around on the floor*
MetalGear: .... *Empties clip into the ceiling*... I don't know...
Bartimeaus: .... *Looks at everyone, moaning on the floor, the place is filled with blood*
MetalGear: .... I think we should go.
Bartimeaus: ... Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
*The two walk out, with the briefcase, and into the sunset*
Shelby: .... What was in the case? *Grimaces at wound*
Shadow: ... It was the most amazing thing ever... it was- *Gets shot in arm* AHHHHHHHH!
Bartimeaus: *Distant* Dammit, MG!


Opening shot of the moon; The camera zooms in on a plack... plaque... whatever. It reads "Here in lies man's greatest achievement."... Camera pans over to grafitti reading, "Glerg was here."
*Shadow covers the moons surface*
*In a big city*
Panning shot of a big traffic jam
MetalGear: *Is buying a hot dog*
Hot Dog guy: Dat $2.
MetalGear: ... *Sniff*... *Sniff* It smells like pee.
Hot Dog guy: No ee don't. You lie. Gib me $2.
MetalGear: *Opens flap and looks into stand*... THAT IS PEE!
Hot Dog guy: .... No ee not.
MetalGear: My God!.... There's a piece of shit floating in there!
Hot Dog guy: .... Dat a Polish dog.
MetalGear: There's corn in it!
Hot Dog guy: .... Dat Polish corn.
MetalGear: .... *Puts the hot dog into the urine filled vat and walks away*
Hot Dog guy: ... FINE! You no get Polish dog! *Pulls down pants and climbs on top of stand* Ahh.... *Reads news paper*
*As MetalGear walks down the street*
Morgan Freeman: *Unseen*No one would have believed in the first years of the twenty-first century that this board was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than RIers's and yet... that is not saying much.
MetalGear: *Stops* .... Morgan Freeman?
Morgan Freeman: Er... No.... Go away.
MetalGear: No, I know your voice. *Laughs* You're Morgan Freeman!
Morgan Freeman: No I'm not. Piss off.
MetalGear: Whoa, you're a lot nicer in movies.
Morgan Freeman: I AM NOT MORGAN FREEMAN, GOD DAMMIT! Now go the hell away before I narrate your ass write out of the story!
MetalGear: O_o... *Walks on*
*Meanwhile in a White House style building*
FireCrotch: *Gets out of bed* Ahhh. *Yawns*... *Gets up and puts on bathrobe*.... Now, to do.... presidential things. *Walks out*
*Cut to shot of FireCrotch playing Pac-Man on an arcade cabinet, in the dining room*
FireCrotch: Come on!
Game: Wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka. Blerup! WAKKA-WAKKA-WAKKA! ERUMPH! WAKKA WAKKA! Wakka-wakka-wakka
FireCrotch: OH GOD! There's too many!
Game: Wakka-wakka-wak- Er-er-er-er-er-uh... Buh-buh.
FireCrotch: Dammit! These ghosts are a threat to national security! BRICK!
Brick Elite: *Walks in* *Ted Kennedy voice* Errrr... uh-Sir?
FireCrotch: Get this... *Looks at title, closely* Namco, guy's location. I want him arrested at once.
Brick Elite: Uhhh.... Right away sir.
FireCrotch: I'm hungry. Are my Spaghettios ready?
Brick Elite: Err... Yes sir. *Brings him a bowl*
FireCrotch: *Smiles and takes bowl* Alright! *Lifts spoon, stops, and looks sad* What the... These aren't my Batman Spaghettios. Brick! We have a mystery to investigate! *Grabs gun* We gotta find those bastards and get my Batman Spaghettios! *Cocks gun* Let's go! *Runs out door*
Brick: Errr... Um... Right away sir. *Grabs shotgun*
*In a house; bedroom*
Belmont: Zzzzzz....
*House starts to shake*
Belmont: *Gets up* That an Earthquake?
Wife: Not even a 2 pointer. Go back to bed.
Belmont: .... When the hell did I get married?
Wife: 2 years ago.
Belmont: ..... Dayum. *Goes back to bed*
*House continues to shake*
Kid: *Runs in* Daddy! There's aliens outside! *Runs out*
Belmont: ... When did we have a kid?
Wife: .... We didn't.
Belmont: *Gets up and grabs a bat* Aw hell naw! I ain't gonna let some punk kid just run in my house, call me "Daddy." Nuh-uh. *Walks out*
Kid: *Runs outside laughing* Hehehe! Let's play tag daddy!
Belmont: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU BITCH! *Chases him outside*...... *Looks up*..... *Drops bat*
Wife: *Walks outside* I think he might be Larry's kid... You know the one with ADD... Honey? *Looks up* .... Oh my God.
*Alien space-ship hovers over-head, completely covering the city*
Belmont: ... I'm gonna need a bigger bat.
*Walks into a nasa-like room*
Bartimeaus: *Walking* Morning everybody. Keep looking at those rythems. We might find something.
Guy: *Runs by crying* We're all gonna die!
Bartimeaus: ... Well, we all are some day. *Keeps walking*
Woman: GOD HELP US! *Runs out the door*
Bartimeaus: ... That's right, Mary... Keep the faith.
Joe: Bart! What are we gonna do?
Bartimeaus: The same thing we always do. Look at those boring as mathematical equations and try to find life in the galaxy. *Drinks a soda*
Joe: .... You don't know?
Bartimeaus: .... What?
Joe: *Turns on tv*
ahahahaMOO: And that's how my visit to the gynocolegist went. In other news, large space-ships float over large sections of RI today... So, you might want to fill out those life insurance forms.
Bartimeaus: .... Holy shit.
MetalGear: *Operates a crane*
*Shot shows, that he is actually playing tetris using real cargo boxes*
MetalGear: Ah, new high score. *Gets out of crane and starts walking*
Foreman: .... MG! You were supposed to put that shit on the boat! NOT PLAY TETRIS!
MetalGear: *Chuckles* You got that right!
Foreman: What?
MetalGear: That's what my ex-wife tells me.
Foreman: You aren't listening to a damn word I say.
MetalGear: Keep it up, man! See you monday.
MetalGear: I love you too! *Walks home, where his ex-wife is*
Ex-Wife: Listen, I'm going to Vegas, and you have to take the kids.
MetalGear: Oh come on, I don't like them.
Ex-Wife: Too bad, I need some me-time. You know... Gambling, drinking, getting a boob-job, and premiscuous sexuality.
MetalGear: Well, I need to do those things too.
Ex-Wife: Grow up. *Calls to the kids* CAROLINA!
Carolina: *Walks up* Hi, dad.
Ex-Wife: Numb-Nuts!
Numb-Nuts: ... *Listening to Simple Plan on his iPod*... You don't understand me!!!!! *Run upstairs crying*
MetalGear: .... I hate these fucking kids.
Carolina: ... I'm right here.
MetalGear: Oh.... Well... Daddy always loves you.
Carolina: ... You just said you ha-
MetalGear: Hey! Let's get some ice cream out of the fridge!
Brick Elite: Uhm... Sir. I think we better address the board on the whole-er... Alien ship, matter.
FireCrotch: Right, right. Let's have a news conference.
*Cut to shot of Mizua at a podium*
Mizua: Weeeeeell, let's take some questions.
*Reporters all try to get attention*
Reporter: Sir, what is FireCrotch doing about this?
Mizua: Well, right now I'd imagine he's in the White House filling out forms, and talking to big important people.
Reporter: What do the aliens look like?
Mizua: Like, us, but darker-skinned and they tend to wear sombreros.
Reporter: What is the intent of the aliens?
Mizua: We can't comment on our theories at this time. But on a completely unrelated note, it would be nice if you could fill out the funeral information forms you've been issued.
Reporter: What is the official stance on shooting firearms at the ships from the ground.
Mizua: It won't do any good, and it'll probably piss them off... But, it's the thought that counts.
Reporter: Are you delcaring a state of alarm?
Mizua: No, but I really should be.
*At old crappy house, the sky is filled with dark clouds and the wind is blowing*
MetalGear: *Walks out* That is so weird... The wind is blowing away from the storm.
Carolina: That's how it's supposed to work.
MetalGear: .... Shut up.
Numb-Nuts: *Walks out* Dad, I hate you! And my iPod is out of batteries! Take me to Wal-Mart.
MetalGear: Maybe I should just tell all of your friends, that you're sixteen and haven't hit puberty yet!
Carolina: *Giggles* Really?
Numb-Nuts: Uhh... SHUT UP!
MetalGear: Last night, I caught him trying to glue hair to his crotch.
Carolina: Oh my God! *Laughs* How small is it?
MetalGear: Honestly it's like your little toe.
Both: *Laugh*
*Lightning strikes near them*
Carolina: AHHH!
MetalGear: It's alright, Lightning doesn't strike the same plac-
*Numb-Nets gets struck*
MetalGear: Nevermind.
Numb-Nuts: *Gets up... having a massive afro*.... What?
*Lightning strikes like crazy as they run inside*
MetalGear: *Goes to tv*
ahahahaMOO: In other news, alien attacks with lightning and and stuff... Freaky ass shit.
MetalGear: Alien attack! OH MY GOD! *Grabs a gun and goes to the door* Kids! Come on!
Carolina: What is it?
MetalGear: Alien attack, we have to go.
Numb-Nuts: That's stupid! You're stupid dad! *Lightning strike roof* SAVE ME, DAD!
*They all run outside and into the car*
MetalGear: *Turns key and car sputters* .... My God!... The aliens must've destroyed our ignitions!
Carolina: *Looks at EMPTY light on dash above the gas*... Umm... Dad. *Points*
MetalGear: .... Oh. Well, let's go steal a car. *They all run out*
*The kids run to a service station as MetalGear stops and looks around*
MetalGear: ... I wonder if-
MetalGear: What the hell was that?
*Unipod hops around the town*
MetalGear: OH MY GOD!..... Wow... one leg... that seems kind of like a bad idea.
Unipod: *Shoots lasers at people*
Man: AHHHHH! *Gets vaporized*
Woman: AHHHHH! *Clothes get vaporized down to her underwear*.... *Covers bra* Heeeeey! *Gets vaporized*
MetalGear: O_O *Runs, along with a crowd of a hundred other people*
Guy: *Running along side him* Hey, that's weird. Everyone seems to be being vaporized except for you. Why is that?
MetalGear: *Running* One of the perks of being a main character.
Guy: Oh. *Gets vaporized; Sand remaints fly into MetalGear's face*
MetalGear: *Coughing* AUGH!... Right in the eyes!... *Continues running*
*Laser hits random pedestrians*
MetalGear: Dammit! *Runs to service station and gets in the car with the kids* Whose is it?
Carolina: Some old lady we beat to death.
MetalGear: .... Alright then.... Disturbing. *Starts car and drives off*
Numb-Nuts: *Is in the back seat by himself* Those aliens don't understand me. They only try to- *Pants get vaporized*
Carolina: *Looks back* .... *Bursts into laughter*
Numb-Nuts: ... What?
Carolina: Your pubes are red!
MetalGear: Wait, did you use that clown wig I got you last halloween!? AHAHAHA!
Both: *Laugh*
Numb-Nuts: SHUT UP!
Carolina: That is ridiculous.
Numb-Nuts: Yeah... well... A lot of girls like it. *Pube get vaporized*
Carolina: *Looks back again*... Okay, even if they liked the red pubes I think the half-incher right there might turn them off *Laughs hysterically*
Numb-Nuts: ... *Covers ears and starts humming Simple Plan lyrics loudly*
*Bartimeaus is going into a big garage*
Bartimeaus: This is amazing! Think of the possibilities!
Joe: One city's already been attacked!
Bartimeaus: I'm sure those were other aliens. These are the good ones. They just cooincidently showed up on the same day.
Joe: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Bartimeaus: *Puts a bag in his trunk and turns on his laptop* I wonder if.... Oh my God! They're using Wi-Fi! That's amazing.
Joe: Why would they use Wi-Fi.
*Cut to shot of scaly green hands playing Tetris DS online*
DS: Player Exit.
*Back to Bartimeaus*
Bartimeaus: Wait... They're sending messages in binary. If I translate them. *Clicks around* There!

1: hay d00d wuts^?
2: not much. u?
1: jus da usual d0g.
2: i hear ya
1: anyway here that code u need
2: awesome
1: u get that email yesterday?
2: the porn? yeah that was cool
1: yah cool

Bartimeaus: Why would they need to send this coding?
Joe: Why would their use of binary translate back to English?
Bartimeaus: *Clicks* Here it is..... Oh.... My.... God.... It's a timer.
Joe: For what?
Bartimeaus: I don't want to think about it.
Joe: What now?
Bartimeaus: Get the hell out of the city. I got to get to FireCrotch.
Joe: FireCrotch? Bart, you remember what happened last time?
Bartimeaus: I'm sure he's forgotten that?
Joe: You got drunk and shat on his girlfriend!
Bartimeaus: Time changes people, I'm sure.
Joe: *Gets in his car* Well, when does the timer end?
Bartimeaus: Tonight. So, get out of here.
*Joe drives off*
Bartimeaus: I gotta get to the White House... I should probably pick up dad, too.
Meanwhile... In a strip club.
Stripper: *Puts on earring* This is my first night.
Wife: Are you nervouse. *Applies perfume*
Stripper: Yeah... How long have you done this?
Wife: 5 years. It's how I met my husband.
Stripper: What's your name?
Wife: Part7.
Stripper: ... Strange name.
Part7: Well what's yours?
Stripper: Stripper.
Part7: .... That's your birth-name?
Stripper: Nah, I changed it to this, I was too embarassed from my first name.
Stripper: What was it?
Stripper: Drunkenprsostitute.... It's Polish.
Part7: Oooh.
Belmont: *Is in a locker room at a base* If these aliens attack us... I'm gonna be all like- AW HELL NAW! *Immitating gunfire* WELCOME TO RI! *Explosion sounds* Oh I know you didn't shoot that green shit at me!
snydfd83: Yeah, man. I'm gonna build like a gun... that shoots boots... So I can be like... "I'm shoving a boot up your ass!" And then do it! Without getting out of the plane.
Belmont: Hey. *Hands him cigar* When the fat lady sings.
snydfd83: Right. *Inspects cigar* Hey... This isn't a cigar!
Belmont: .... It's a Jamaican cigar.
Bartimeaus: *Is weaving through traffic*
rom_maniac: *Jewish stereotype* Whatzit? Take the tunnel why don't you?
Bartimeaus: Dad, the tunnels are blocked even worse.
rom_maniac: I really wish you wouldn't call me dad.... It freaks me out.
Bartimeaus: Well, you were married to my mother for a month.
rom_maniac: Oy vei, we were drunk, it was an accident.
Bartimeaus: Whatever, anyway we have to get to the White House.
rom_maniac: You know, one of those ships positioned itself over the White House.
Bartimeaus: I know. And we're gonna be in trouble if we don't get there in time.
rom_maniac: Why don't you take the tunnel?
Bartimeaus: .... Are you serious?.... I just explained that like... 5 seconds ago.
rom_maniac: ... Shut up.
*The family is riding in the car*
MetalGear: ...
Numb-Nuts: *Has taken off his shirt and is using it for pants*
Carolina: For crying-out-loud! Either staple the neck hole closed or cross your legs!
Numb-Nuts: .... *Clenches the neck hole together*
Carolina: .... I have to pee.
Numb-Nuts: Yeah.
MetalGear: Fine. *Pulls over and gets out*
*The kids get out*
Carolina: Don't you think about peeking!
MetalGear: *Vomits* Oh! God... First off, you're my daughter, second your eyes look like they'd pop out if someone hit you in the back of the head hard enough. I do not want to watch you pee.
Carolina: ... A "No," would've been fine. *Walks off*
MetalGear: *Unzips*
Numb-Nuts: *Pulls neck-hole open*
MetalGear: *Goes* Ahhh.... *Looks over to Numb-Nuts*
Numb-Nuts: *Pees in an odd, wide sputtering spray, instead of a stream*
MetalGear: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Numb-Nuts: ... What?
MetalGear: That is just...
*Urine-spray starts to sputter rapidly*
MetalGear: O_O.... *Zips up and walks away*
Carolina: AHHHHHHH!
MetalGear: Numb-Nuts, I swear to God, if you looked, I'm ripping your fu-
Carolina: It's not that! Come quick.
MetalGear: *Comes to her and finds a body beached by a stream* Eww...
Carolina: *Is shaking*
MetalGear: Go to the car.
*She does*
MetalGear: *Walks over to it and looks around* .... *Takes the guy's wallet* Hehehe... *Pushes him downstream*
*He goes to the car and they continue*
*Shot of a cropduster flying around over a field*
HiFiSi: *Piloting* WHOOOOOOO! *Drops pesticides* Hahaha.... *Lands* A job well-done.
Son: Dad! What the hell are you doing?
HiFiSi: Just finishing up.
Son: You idiot! You were supposed to dust at the Leelens' place! You just dusted the wildlife sanctuary.
HiFiSi: Huh? *Looks over*
Deer: .... *Coughs and falls over*
Squirrel: *Starts to have a seizure*
*Butterflies catch on fire*
HiFiSi: .... Shit.... *Opens a flask and drinks*
*Later at a diner*
HiFiSi: *Sits alone, drinking*
*A group laughs at him*
who: You'd be a hell of a pilot if you ever sober up enough to know where to fly.
HiFiSi: I fly better when I'm *hic* drunk.
*All laugh*
who: Were you drinking when the aliens abducted you?
*All laugh*
HiFiSi: *Defensive* It happened!
who: *To everyone else* He was on the Rosie O'Donnel show one time. He's convinced he was abducted.
HiFiSi: *Shivering* It wasn't human.
FireCrotch: Well, maybe we can put up a big umbrella... and people will just forget it's there.
Brick Elite: Uhh... Sir, two men just entered the building. We couldn't stop er- them.
FireCrotch: .... This is the White House... We can't stop two unarmed men?
Brick Elite: ....
Bartimeaus: FireCrotch!
rom_maniac: Oi! The White House... this, I like.
FireCrotch: Oh God! Get him out of my face!
Bartimeaus: You have to listen to me.
FireCrotch: Why? So you can shit on all of us!?
Bartimeaus: ... That was a misunderstanding. But this is an emergency!
FireCrotch: .... This better be good.
Bartimeaus: I picked up the alien's code. It's a timer.
FireCrotch: A timer for what?
Bartimeaus: We can only imagine... But it's probably gonna kill all of us.
FireCrotch: Yes, there was that one attack earlier. When does the timer end?
Bartimeaus: In like 10 minutes.
FireCrotch: Holy hell! Brick, Bart, Jewish Sterotype...
rom_maniac: Oi.
FireCrotch: Lieutenant Shaft, advisors, asshole who's gonna almost fuck everything up later in the story, all of you get on Air Farce One!
*All run*
FireCrotch: Mizua!..... You umm.... stay here and watch the fort. *Runs to the plane*
Mizua: *Looks up at alien ship* .... Screw it. *Gets in car and leaves*
Part7: *Puts on coat*
Stripper: You should come to the, "Let's all get on the building directly under the mysterious spaceship that we know nothing about, I'm sure it'll be okay," party we're having.
Part7: I don't think so. I'm still scared by those things.
Stripper: Well I'm going.
Part7: Okay. *Gets up*
Stripper: .... Wait, you think it's going to kill us, but you have no objection for me going?
Part7: .... Yeah, pretty much. *Walks out and drives away*
Stripper: .... *Puts on shirt* Bitch.
Meanwhile in a rural area...
VE_hystrix: *Sits on couch reading the Weekly World; Headline reads, "Who's wrong now, bitch?"*
Girl: *From outside, in the distance* DAAAAAAAD!
VE_hystrix: Wha?! *Jumps up and runs outside*
*VE_hystrix looks around, she calls again*
VE_hystrix: The hell?
Jon Ace: *Runs up* What's going on?
VE_hystrix: I'm not sure. *They run through the cornfield*
Man in Suit: A cornfield, perhaps? Or maybe our two heroes have just frollicked through a field that leads down a one way road... straight to... The Twilight Z- *Gets run into by the others* Ow!
Jon Ace: STAY OUT OF OUR FUCKING YARD, FRED! *Continues to run*
VE_hystrix: *Finds his son and daughter* What is-.... *Notices the massive crop circles* My God...
Jon Ace: .... Those bastards fucked up our corn!.... DAMMIT! What are we gonna eat with our chicken now?
VE_hystrix: *Stares at Jon*
Jon Ace: .... Oh yeah... the circle's weird too.
*Air Farce One is taking off*
FireCrotch: How much longer do we have?
Bartimeaus: *Opens laptop* ....
*Laptop beaps*
Laptop: All your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive, make your time.
Bartimeaus: *Looks up* .... Time's up.
*White House explodes as they take off*
*Everyone is partying on a big building in the city*
Woman: Take me!
Man: Was Star Trek real?
Stripper: WHOOOOOO! Aliens! *Drinks*
*Spaceship opens*
All: Ohhhhh!
*Lasers activate*
All in unison: Oh shit.
Man: That's odd. That saucer looks different than the rest.
Woman: You idiot, that's not the aliens. That's just Pizzaman13.
*On the inside of the saucer, banjo music is playing*
Pizzaman13: Whoooo-doggies! I done went and got be a flyin' saucer! I wonder what this button does? *Presses*
*Mounment is destroyed*
MetalGear: *Drives down empty roads in darkness, until suddenly he comes to a crowd of people* Huh?
*People jump on car and try to stop it*
Carolina: *Screams*
Numb-Nuts: *Spray comes out of neck-hole in shirt*
MetalGear: .... *Takes out gun and gets out of car* GET THE HELL AWAY! I stole this fair and square!
MushroomStomp: *Points his gun* Too bad! I need a car!
Serbitar: *Gets out knife* Oh yeah?... Wait... Knife... gunfight.... Oh sh- *Gets shot*
MushroomStomp: Just step away from the car.
*Numb-Nuts and Carolina get out*
MushroomStomp: ... Why is your boy wearing a shirt for pants?
MetalGear: Long story. *Pulls back hammer*
MushroomStomp: Bring it o-
Twilightfan: *Starts car* AHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Drives off*
MetalGear: .... What an asshole.
Boatman: 3 more! Family's first!
MetalGear: A boat?! Come on! *The three run to the boat* It's just me and my daughter.
Numb-Nuts: .... Ahem.
MetalGear: ... Oh, and him.
Boatman: Alright, get on.
*They get on the boat as it leaves*
MetalGear: Well... I guess we're home free now.
*Suddenly a unipod knocks the boat over*
MetalGear: Aw, hell. *Gets knocked in the water*
A few minutes later...
*The three wash up on shore*
MetalGear: Well... That was bad.
Numb-Nuts: Aww, I lost my shirt.
MetalGear: That's worse. Let's keep going.
*They walk through a vast amount of fields*
*Suddenly there's an explosion*
MetalGear: Oh my God. They're bombing the place! We have to find shelter!
Numb-Nuts: No! I want to fight.
MetalGear: Stop being stupid! We can still...
Numb-Nuts: You watch! I'm gonna save everybody.
MetalGear: You're naked, you idiot.
Numb-Nuts: I know... The aliens won't expect that!
MetalGear: O_o
Numb-Nuts: *Runs toward explosions* I'm gonna save humani- *Gets hit with a laser... burns down to skeleton and falls to pieces*
MetalGear: .... Ewww.
*Penis, lands unharmed at their feet*
Carolina: EWWWWWW!
MetalGear: Well.... That... kinda sucks.
???: *Holds up shotgun* In here. It's safe.
*They run to him and go into his cellar*
???: *Closes door*
MetalGear: Thanks.
Vdg X: Don't mention it. *Thunder*
VE_hystrix: Thanks for all the help.
Police-Woman: Don't worry, we'll question the Millers later, father.
VE_hystrix: I told you, I'm not a clergyman anymore.
Police-Woman: Because you lost your faith?
VE_hystrix: No, they caught me stealing from the tithes, and plus I went to the sacramental wine bin and I-
Police-Woman: I get it!.... Sheesh. *Gets in car and leaves*
VE_hystrix: *Notices car in driveway*... *Walks to it*
Gruntlord1331: *Sits, clutching the wheel* Hello, father.
VE_hystrix: I told you, those tests came back negative.
Gruntlord1331: ... Oh... I want to apologize about that night.
VE_hystrix: .... Accidents happen.
Gruntlord1331: No, it was inexcusable...
VE_hystrix: *Goes down road in car* Wow, this has been such a depressing day. Banned from the church, got that $5000 fine, the electricity got turned off, I stepped in dog crap, I wonder what else can go wrong?
Police-Woman: *Flags him down* .... Umm... VE.... It's Shelby.
VE_hystrix: What's a matter? *Gets out*
Police-Woman: The car... hit her... into a tree.
VE_hystrix: ...
Police-Woman: She's like this... *Pulls out hotdog*
VE_hystrix: NO NO NO!... They already did this joke in Scary Movie 3.
Police-Woman: .... Oh... Well, maybe you should just talk to her.
*He walks down the road*
Policeman: What exactly were you doing?
Gruntlord1331: Well... You ever see that Red Skelton skit, "Pedestrian Polo?"
*Continues walking*
Shelby: *Cough* I'm dying VE.
VE_hystrix: *Looks at car* .... No shit.
Shelby: Promise me you'll take care of the kids.
VE_hystrix: Yeah, I'll take care of.... umm *Thinks of their names*.... them.
Shelby: And tell Jon to *Cough* Swing like shit.
VE_hystrix: Of course.
Shelby: Oh, and I think I might've left the iron on, check it when you get back.
VE_hystrix: ..... Right.
Shelby: Give me one last kiss. *Cough* HACK! *Blood pours out of mouth*
VE_hystrix: O_o.... What's a kiss, more than a handshake?
Shelby: I'll live as long as the car-
*Car backs up and she falls apart*
VE_hystrix: O_O OH MY GOD! Grunt! What the hell?!
Gruntlord1331: *In car* .... Were you not done?... I really wanna go home and watch Mama's Family.
End Flashback...
VE_hystrix: .... You're right you were an asshole.
Gruntlord1331: Yeah... *Is about to back up* Oh by the way, I caught one of the aliens in my bathroom... He can't open the door. *Backs out*.... *Distant* Oooh!
Woman: AHHHH! *Smack*
Gruntlord1331: 20 points!
VE_hystrix: .... *Goes back inside*
Jon Ace: *Watching TV in a tin foil hat*
VE_hystrix: Don't tell me you actually think that'll help?
Jon Ace: What?.... No I bought this at Sears. I thought it looked cool.
VE_hystrix: Oh.
Jon Ace: Look at this.
*TV shows wreckage of cities*
VE_hystrix: My God.
Jon Ace: Keep watching.
*TV shows saucers floating in the air*
Jon Ace: A few minutes ago, they turned invisible. And a bird flew into one of them, and then they went visible, and the same bird flew into them again.
VE_hystrix: .....
Jon Ace: ... Y-yeah... They think the bird might've breathed in lead poisoning... and it messed up its head.
VE_hystrix: .... Alright.
Jon Ace: What'll we do?
VE_hystrix: ... Let's go to Home Depot.
Jon Ace: Yeah! They have those new lawn mowers with the two levers, instead of the wheel. They're really comfortable, and fa-
VE_hystrix: No you idiot. We need supplies.
Jon Ace: ..... Oh.
*At air base*
Sickler: *At the front of the room, explaining the mission* Gentlemen, our people have been killed... Our cities have been exploded... Where will it end?.... With them talkin' jive about our mamas?
Man: *Jumps up* OVER MY DEAD BODY!
Sickler: We will lead a frontal assault using all aircraft at our disposal.
Belmont: *Listens*
snydfd83: We finally get some action.
Belmont: Yeah.
Sickler: ... Something to talk about Belmont?
Belmont: Just anxious to get up there and drop a toaster is Alf's bathtub.
All: *Laugh*
Alf: .... Fuck you. *Eats a cat and leaves*
*An air fleet flies over the remaints of the city*
Belmont: ....
snydfd83: ... Don't worry man, I'm sure Part7 got out alright.
Belmont: Yeah... But still...
Sickler: *On radio* You approaching the target. Activate your weapons.
snydfd83: *Switches* Missiles active.
Belmont: *Switches* Missiles active.
Spock: Phasers function, Captain.
All: ....
*They get a clear view of the ship*
Belmont: On my lead. Wait until we get ridiculously close... So close it'll be difficult to bank.
All: Roger.
Belmont: Ready..... FOX 1! *Launches*
snydfd83: FOX 1! *Launches*
All: FOX 1! *Launch*
Fox McCloud: ME! *Launches*
Red Baron: After this, I'll make you all a pizza! *Launches*
*Missiles slowly approach*
Belmont: Well, I guess, that's a mission wel-
*The missiles get activated near the ship, and have no effect*
Belmont: HOLY HELL! They have shields!
snydfd83: Who would've thought an alien species with greatly advanced technologies could stop our missiles?
Belmont: Everyone pull up!
*They all bank*
Belmont: Biggs! Pull up!
Biggs: ... Dammit, I can't believe this is happening again. I never should've left Tatooine. *Crashes into shield*
Belmont: Damn! They're dropping like flies!
Pilot: Don't worry. I got this. *Rises up, three-dimensionally*
snydfd83: How'd you do that? You completely defied gravity, inertia, and pretty much all other physics.
Pilot: .... Oh shit. *Vanishes in a puff of logic*
Belmont: Aw hell naw!
Alien: *Shoots green missiles at them*
Belmont: *Looks through, "English to Will Smith Dictionary"* I know you just did NOT shoot that green shit at me!
Alien: *Locks on snydfd83*
Belmont: snydfd83! Get out of there! Wh-.... PUT YOUR MASK BACK ON!
snydfd83: *Is shaving* ... Hang on, I gotta get my sideburns. *Gets blown up*
Belmont: SNYDFD83!!!! ... Oh well. *Avoids the missiles*
Alien: RRRRRRRRGGGG! *Continues to fire*
Belmont: How do I kill this guy? ..... *Hits breaks and ejects*
Alien: AAARAARARARARAUUGGGHHKKKK! *Flies into plane and crashes*
Belmont: *Lands and walks to the wreck* Alright. *Smokes cigar and opens the alien hatch* Where are you.
Alien: *Pokes head out*
Belmont: *Punches the alien out* Welcome to RI, bitch! ..... Yeah, you gonna get some. *Humps the alien* Yeah! YOU FEEL THAT! I FEEL IT! *Humps faster*
HiFiSi: *Drives down road in a camper* I knew them aliens would get us!
Son: Yeah... yeah.
HiFiSi: And I was right. *Drinks from flask*
Son: ... Maybe I should drive.
HiFiSi: Nonsense. *Camera reveals the camper is going backwards*
FireCrotch: I don't believe it. Brick, what's the report.
Brick Elite: Uhm, er- It appears, that the ummm....
FireCrotch: Jesus! Will you quit with the Ted Kennedy crap?
Brick Elite: .... I was just trying to add some difference to the characters! Damn.
Serbitar: Sir, we should all just let the aliens rule us. It's only logical.
FireCrotch: .... How the hell is that logical?
Lieutenant Shaft: .... Their shields are strong. Our entire airforce was wiped-out.
rom_maniac: Oy vei. You coulda stopped this.
FireCrotch: .... And how is that?
rom_maniac: That uhh... UFO you got in the base... what's it called. Area 69.
FireCrotch: There is no area 69.
Serbitar: ... Actually.... that's kind of.... false.
Bartimeaus: .... Oh snap.
*VE_hystrix and Jon Ace are at a hardware store*
VE_hystrix: *Has a shopping cart full of wood and nails* Where the hell is Jon?
Jon Ace: *Is arguing with an employee* Well, if the aliens make it through the perimeter, I want to know what chainsaw would be the best. Tell me now, dammit!
Old Lady: .... Umm... I have to go help someone in home decor. *Runs away*
Jon Ace: Thanks a lot, ass-fuck!
Grizzles Old Employee: *Walks up to him* Well, I reckon that this model would get jammed on the alien tissue. This one *Points* should be able to cut their squishy skin, real easy.
Jon Ace: ....... You.... are awesome..... I'm going to pay you $20... Just for... that awesome thing that you just said. *Hands him a twenty and picks up the chainsaw*
A few minutes later...
Jon Ace: *Joins VE_hystrix*
VE_hystrix: Is the chainsaw necessary?
Jon Ace: It is more necessary than anything that has ever existed.
VE_hystrix: ...... Alright.
*They buy everything and drive*
VE_hystrix: .... I'm gonna pull over at Grunt's house real fast. *Pulls over*
Jon Ace: Okay... He moved right? *Gets out*
VE_hystrix: *Gets out* Yeah, why?
Jon Ace: Dumbass left his lawn ornaments. And I'm takin' em.
VE_hystrix: .... Right. *Goes inside and looks around*
Jon Ace: *Picks up a garden gnome* .... Your name is Patches.
*On the inside*
VE_hystrix: *Finds the door to the bathroom and notices shadow moving around the crack in the door* ..... *Grabs a knife and looks under the crack*
.... *Hand reaches for knife*
VE_hystrix: AHHHHH! *Stabs hand.... his own hand* AUGH! DAMMIT!... *Stabs again*
Alien: RAW! *Pulls hand back*
*VE_hystrix runs outside*
VE_hystrix: We're leaving! *Gets in truck and starts it*
Jon Ace: *Throws lawn chairs and various ornaments in the back of the truck* .... Did he leave anything else inside?
VE_hystrix: WE'RE LEAVING!
Jon Ace: .... You're right.... We can come back with the flat-bed. Get more stuff. *Gets in*
Carolina: *Lies on couch* ...
MetalGear: You gonna be okay?
Carolina: ... This couch smells like sperm.
MetalGear: ... Just get some sleep. *Walks away*
Vdg X: *Sits in a chair, drinking coffee* These aliens are something, aren't they?
MetalGear: Yeah.
Vdg X: You know.... This isn't a war.... It's an extermination.
MetalGear: ....
Vdg X: They want our planet. So they can use it... to build an intergalactic Starbucks. They don't think I know... but I know.
MetalGear: .... Alrighty then.
Vdg X: They'll exterminate us like mice... They'll capture us, and do tests... Make us wear little hats and run around in their own versions of Stuart Little!
MetalGear: How did you come to this conclusion?
Vdg X: Think about... the clues are all there.
MetalGear: .... What clues?
Vdg X: Well.... they attacked earth.... Earth is the 3rd planet. Pluto was removed to make 8. Multiply 8 by 3. That gives you 24. 24 is a TV show, that stars Keifer Sutherland who worked with Michael Douglas in "The Sentinel." Michael worked with Danny DeVito in "The War of the Roses." Danny DeVito worked with Michael J. Fox in "Mars Attacks!" Which is an alien movie... cooincidence?... I think not. Michael J. Fox is the very same who voices...... Stuart Little.
MetalGear: *Sits with jaw opened* ..... Dude..... I wants some of what you've been smokin'.
Vdg X: You can't deny the logic.
MetalGear: .... Yes, I very damn-well can. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Vdg X: .... Maybe. But when we're all in little mazes, I'm not gonna share my cheese with nobody.
MetalGear: .... *Walks back to the couch*
Area 69... The desert.

Man: Mr. President. This is a clean enviroment. You'll need a suit.
FireCrotch: Up yours.
Man: As you wish sir. *Walks away with a cucumber*
All: O_o
*The doors open and they walk in to find hundreds of experiments in place*
Bartimeaus: .... Oh my God.
Man in Suit: Just explain to me how you got here.
Man1: *In bathrobe* Look! I don't how we sodding got here! We just pressed the button and... *Sigh* ... I hate Thursdays.
Man2: *Looks confused* Magrathea?
Man3: *Holding a towel* For the hundredth time- No.
Robot: Inside jokes are so depressing.
FireCrotch: My God... Why wasn't I told about this.
Serbitar: Well.... We didn't have to pay taxes on it if it wasn't established as existing.
Lieutenant Shaft: You couldn't tell the damn president?
Serbitar: ... No, if we did.... It was a good idea at the time.
rom_maniac: Bah! I've seen better secret facilities. *Rubs finger on desk* Look at this... Dust! Oy. Menorah, yamakah, etc.
Bartimeaus: Think of all the possibilities that this could hold. I mean, we could develop a cure for the AIDs.
Serbitar: Actually we have.
All: .....
Serbitar: .... We're gonna announce it.... eventually.
Lieutenant Shaft: .... Have you guys invented a-
Serbitar: Soda that'll never go flat? Yes.
All: Oooooooooh!
Serbitar: It's a Red Rock.
All: Awwwwwwwwww.
*Cut to shots of Jon Ace and VE_hystrix boarding up the house*
Jon Ace: *Finishes hammering* There. *Tries to move hand* .... *Realizes he nailed his hand to the door* .... Dammit.
VE_hystrix: We're out of nails.
Jon Ace: *Pulls hand off of door and puts a band-aid over the hole in his hand* We're also out of band-aids. *Lifts shirt to show hundreds of band-aids*
VE_hystrix: Well... We have Elmur's Glue.
Jon Ace: .... Let's do it.
*They start glueing boards on the house*
Son: .... What if we don't live?
VE_hystrix: We're gonna be fine.
Daughter: Are we gonna be ok?
Son: Probably not. The aliens are probably gonna eat us.
VE_hystrix: Stop scaring her. Now... speaking of food. What do you kids want?
Son: Spaghetti, potatoes, hamburgers, pizza, hot dogs, steak, and candy.
VE_hystrix: .... Are you kids high?.... Oh well, we'll have all of that.
Even later...
*Everyone sits at the feast*
Son: *Doesn't eat* ....
Daughter: *Eats spaghetti*
Jon Ace: *Is eating pure sugar*
VE_hystrix: .... You wanted it. Eat it.
Son: *Crying* We're all gonna die.
VE_hystrix: Dammit! We're not gonna die! Eat your food.
Son: .... I hate you.
All: ...
Son: I hate you! You let mom die!
VE_hystrix: You know I cou-
All: .....
Jon Ace: .... Well that was a bit of an over-reaction.
Daughter: *Pokes him with her fork*
Meanwhile in the desert...
Belmont: *Dragging alien body* Gah! Dammit! I could be at a barbecue!... I could... be in a porno theater!... But naw. I gotta drag your green ass all through the desert.
*Group of people walk by*
Belmont: Hey!... Ya'll got any water?
Lonestar: Screw you! *Carrying large box*
Barf: *Panting*
Belmont: Nevermind. *Keeps walking*...... *Notices something*
*An RV drives forward*
Belmont: ..... Hey. *Waves*
Part7: *Wanders around destroyed city* Is anyone alive?
Man: No! Quit asking!
Part7: ... Dick.
Joe: *Crawls out of car* I can't believe I lived! It's a mira- *Gets squashed by falling car*
Part7: Anyone?!.... In the porno house?... Don't be embarrased, I'm a stripper.... This sucks.
mercenarie213: *Comes running from lab* Mr. President! Oh, this is really exciting! *Shakes everyone's hand* This stuff has been going on, and these gadgets all started to activate. Really exciting stuff.
FireCrotch: People are dying out there. How is that exciting?
mercenarie213: .... Geez... You're a glass half-empty kinda guy aren't you?
FireCrotch: *Grits teeth*
Lieutenant Shaft: Ummm... Is there anything useful to us?
mercenarie213: Well... We have alien corpses. And the ship they crashed in.
FireCrotch: Show us.
*They enter a dark room and sit down in chairs*
mercenarie213: *Stands at black podium to the side of a large tank filled with blue liquid* Ladies and gentlemen, please put on your 3D glasses.
All: *Put on glasses as bar comes over their waist*
mercenarie213: Now, get ready for "Alien Adventure" enjoy the ride, and the rest of your visit to Area 69... "The happiest place on earth... That you've never heard about."
rom_maniac: Disney's gonna file a lawsuit on somebody.
*Suddenly three tanks appear with alien corpses, gray-style*
FireCrotch: My God!
rom_maniac: I'm kerplemphed.
FireCrotch: Are they stronger than us?
mercenarie213: No. These two died in the crash, this one got his head stuck in hole and died of thirst. You just have to get around their technology... Which is far more advanced than ours. They're already on the Playstation 16.
FireCrotch: Dammit, man. How do we stop them?
mercenarie213: .... I 'unno.
*Suddenly the doors open*
Belmont: *Drags the alien*
HiFiSi: I knew it! There is an area 69!
Man2: Magrathea?
All: NO!
mercenarie213: How long has be out?
Belmont: How long of a drive is it from here to the city.
mercenarie213: ..... Damn. Get him in the lab!
FireCrotch: *Looking through window, wearing an Area 69 T-Shirt* What if something goes wrong.
Serbitar: I'm sure it won't.
Lieutenant Shaft: *Grips pistol*
Bartimeaus: This is so exciting! *Sips from a novelty alien-head cup*
*In the operation room*
mercenarie213: *Turns on saw* Now... Let's just slowly lower the saw to the skin.
Dart the Pirate: I need 20ccs of morphine.
Nurse: *Injects him*
Dart the Pirate: O_O ..... *Walks around aimlessly*
Jonny Dangerpants: *Sips martini* I like my alien, sawed... not sliced.
mercenarie213: ... Geez..... Where'd the fuck did we hire you guys? *Is about to saw*
Jonny Dangerpants: .... Did that arm just move?
mercenarie213: ... Wha- *Gets thrown into the glass*
Jonny Dangerpants: ... Yep, I think that arm moved. *Gets thrown across the room*
All in Viewing Room: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Dart the Pirate: *Walks around with his pants at his ankles*
*Alien shoots a tentacle from his gills and wraps it around mercenarie213's neck*
mercenarie213: Release me....
Serbitar: Let him out!
FireCrotch: No, it's the alien.
Serbitar: I know. I still think we should surrender. *Gets punched*
FireCrotch: What do you want?
mercenarie213: ... A DVD copy of "Terms of Endearment."
All: *Gasp in disgust*
FireCrotch: You'd like that, wouldn't you, you squishy son of a bitch..... What will bring peace?
mercenarie213: No peace.
FireCrotch: Why not?
mercenarie213: Cause I'm a fucking alien. We all hate you.
FireCrotch: What are you gonna do?
*Weird sound*
FireCrotch: AHHH! *Appears to have a headache* He's transmitting.... his thoughts.
Bartimeaus: ... If he could use telepathy, why'd he bother using mercenarie as a host?
mercenarie213: ..... Shut up.
FireCrotch: They're gonna exterminate all of us... hundreds of soldiers.... They look like Kathy Bates... but naked.
All: OH GOD!
Lieutenant Shaft: Is that glass bullet-proof?
Serbitar: No... We don't have that much money. Tourism sucks when everybody gets shot who enters.
Lieutenant Shaft: *Takes out pistol and shoots alien*
mercenarie213: *Is released* Oh thank G- *Gets shot*
Lieutenant Shaft: ..... Sorry.
FireCrotch: ... Let's nuke the bastards.
MetalGear: *Is sitting by Carolina*
Carolina: I can't sleep... Sing me a lullaby.
MetalGear: Can't... That joke was already in Scary Movie 4.
Carolina: ... Fucking David Zucker.
*Suddenly there's a thump*
MetalGear: *Gasp*... *Grabs Carolina and they run to the other side of the room*
Vdg X: *Grips axe*
MetalGear: ... What is it?
Vdg X: Shhh...
*Suddenly a long tube comes through the window*
All: O_O
*The tube has a camera on it and it looks around*
Vdg X: .... *Throws axe*
Tube: Ow... Bitch. *Dies*
MetalGear: ... DAMMIT! Now they know we're here!
Vdg X: HAHAHAHA! Too bad, I'll be on my way to freedom! *Gets a spoon and runs into a small room, with dirt floor; he begins to dig*
MetalGear: Carolina.... Look away.
Carolina: *Nervously covers her eyes*
MetalGear: *Slowly creeps up on Vdg X*.... *Locks the door* There. That solves everything.
*Tentacles burst through the walls*
MetalGear: HULY FOCK! *Pushes Carolina* TAKE THE GIRL! LEAVE ME!
Carolina: *Is carried away* DAD, YOU BASTARD! AHHHHHH!
MetalGear: Hehehe.... I am so-
*Tentacles come back*
MetalGear: AHHHH! *Runs out door*
VE_hystrix: Well, now that Mr. "Over-fucking-reaction" woke up. Le-
VE_hystrix: ... Everyone downstairs.
*They all run*
Jon Ace: *Holds onto Patches the Gnome* ... Maybe they'll leave.
Son: ... We forgot grandma.
*Sounds coming from upstairs*
Grandma: Hello? Where did everyone go? *Giggles* Are you trying to hide from me? Oh! Hello, Mr. GreenMan... My... you have some big teeth the- OH MY GOD! RRRRRGHHHGGG! DEAR LORD NOOOOO! *RRRIIIIIIP!*.... *TEAAAR!* OHHHHH! WHHYYYYY!? WHYYYYYYY?! AHHHHHHH! *Gurgling noise*
*The children look mortified*
Jon Ace: ... Did she sign those papers?
VE_hystrix: .... Yeah.
Jon Ace: Aw, fuck yeah! I'm gettin' a Cadillac! You hear that Patches? We're gonna be pimps. Then your name will be Bigdadd-
VE_hystrix: Shhh!... I don't hear anything.
Jon Ace: .... Maybe they found our porn.
Son: *To daughter* .... You don't wanna die a virgin do you?
Daughter: ... What's a vergen?
Son: Well... Why don't you take off your clothes an-
Jon Ace: *Pushes Son down and starts whaling on him with Patches*
VE_hystrix: ... Did we block all the entrances? I feel air.
Jon Ace: *Looks around* I think there's an old shaft around he-
*They look at an old coal shaft where Son is standing*
Son: .... What? *Alien arm moves*

Part7: *Wanders around, pulling a wagon of survivors*
Survivor: We're hungry.
Part7: *Sigh* All of the food is gone.
Survivor2: My ass hurts.
Part7: Too bad.
Survivor3: Are we there yet?
Kid: Mommy! Mommy! Look it!
Part7: Oh Jesus. You're still alive?
Kid: *Runs in circles laughing*
Part7: *Looks up*
*Helicopter comes in to land*
Part7: ... Belmont?
Belmont: *Runs out of helicopter* Part7?!
*Cheesy slow-mo, run/embrace*
Kid: Now we're a family agai-
*Belmont hits him in the head with a bat*
Kid: *Head flies clean off, no blood or anything, just gets hit 20 yards back*
Meanwhile at Area 69....
FireCrotch: Well.... what if we-
Brick Elite: No. We cannot move the sun.
FireCrotch: ... Fine.
Lieutenant Shaft: ... Maybe, we could get an army of prostitutes...
FireCrotch: .... And?
Lieutenant Shaft: .... Well, I'll die happy.
FireCrotch: DAMMIT! Can't anyone think of anything?
Serbitar: Yes! We fucking surrender! How hard is that?
FireCrotch: SHUT UP! You're fired.
Serbitar: FINE! *Walks out with a white flag*
Bartimeaus: Umm, guys come here for a minute.
*They walk into a room with an alien ship*
FireCrotch: ... It's one of their ships... Where'd you find this?
Bartimeaus: We reconstructed on from the wreckage that Belmont created. the systems were still entact. Lt. Shaft, try to shoot that beer can off of the top of the ship.
Lieutenant Shaft: ... Where'd you get the beer?
Bartimeaus: *Sigh* ... *To a scientist* Get him a beer.
Lieutenant Shaft: *Takes beer and sips* Alright. *Points gun and fires*
*Shields reflect*
All: WHOA! *Jump away from bullet*
Bartimeaus: ... Now try it again.
Lieutenant Shaft: ..... *Gulps whole can of beer* .... *Shoots, and knocks off the can*
FireCrotch: ... How'd you do that?
Bartimeaus: I gave it a virus. With their perfect society, nobody ever was as much of an asshole to make a virus, therefore, nobody ever made a firewall or anti-virus program.
FireCrotch: My God...
HiFiSi: *Drinks in the parking lot*
Shadow: *Through bullhorn* Can anyone else fly a plane?
HiFiSi: ... *Burp* I can ply... I'm a flylot.
Shadow: .... I'll bet you are. *Bullhorn* Anyone else?
HiFiSi: Hey! I may seem a little unorthadox, but maybe it is this policy that needs to change. *Dramatic music* I can only do 3... 4.... 5 things. Eat, sleep, drink, crap, and fly. Most of em' at the same time.... But that's what this place is about... It's truly the meaning of the term, freedom.
*Camera backs up to reveal he's looking in the wrong direction*
Shadow: ..... *Bullhorn* You're talking to a trashcan. And you look like ass.
Bartimeaus: O_O..... Dude.... put in the keys.
Belmont: .... Oh..... Shutdafuckup!
Bartimeaus: *Looks forward quickly, to avoid eye-contact*
*In the hangar, the ship is ready for take-off*
Part7: *To herself* Belmont, don't get us all killed.
*In cockpit*
Bartimeaus: Alright. I have the virus. The tank's full. We got everything.
Belmont: ... Aw shit! We need cigars.
rom_maniac: *Appears behind them*
Both: ROM!
rom_maniac: Check your glove compartment, I put two cigars in there. And remember, MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOU! *Starts to shake as he vanished* Ayi-ayia-a *Disappears*
Belmont: ... The hell?
Jon Ace: *Pulls the kid away from the arm* Everyone upstairs!
*They all run*
Son: *Cough* Random asthma attack for the win! *Passes out*
VE_hystrix: NO! *Tries to get him to breathe*
Daughter: *Walks in* The people on tv are doing this! *Lifts shirt*
VE_hystrix: JON!
Jon Ace: Hey, I stopped paying for it. If they kept it on our channel guide, that's their fault.
*They look up to see an alien in their living room*
Alien: Clk! K-crek!
Jon Ace: .... Who the fuck let this asshole in?
*Alien grabs Son*
VE_hystrix: NOOOOOO!
*MetalGear runs outside as a unipod hops over head*
MetalGear: Dammit! *Looks on the ground* What the hell?... A grenade? Who leaves a grenade lying on the ground?
*Red plants start to grow on the ground*
MetalGear: ... My God, they're using us like fertilizer... for these annoyingly bright plants. *Is grabbed by a tentacle* AHHHH!
*MetalGear is placed into a holding cell under the unipod's main structure*
MetalGear: Geeze, it's crowded in here.
13ullithole: Hi. I've been here since yesterday.... Wanna play 20 Questions?
MetalGear: ..... No.
13ullithole: .... Nobody ever wants to play 20 Questions. *Sigh*
Carolina: DAD! Help me!
MetalGear: Where are you? *Walks around on top of the pile of people*
Random people: Ow! Watch it! Ooh! Hey! That tickles.
MetalGear: *Pulls up someone from pile* Carolina?
Dakota: Tom Cruise?
MetalGear: You wish. *Throws her back and grabs someone else*
Waldo: ... *Sigh* It's people like you who make my job difficult. *Is put back*
MetalGear: *Lifts someone else up*
Will: Henry? Beanpole? You haven't been capped have you?
MetalGear: *Looks at camera* Okay, there's no way in hell anybody's gonna get that joke.
*Outside all of the aircraft are ready to fly as pilots are getting briefed*
Sickler: There are two primary weapons on your plane. The machine guns, and your missiles. Try to preserve your missiles unti- *Missile flies over head* ....
Guy: Sorry!
Sickler: Anyway, we will attack the ship and lead on a dogfight. We have to buy time until we get those shields down.
Lando: Aw hell, not this again.
Sickler: One they're down blow the living shit out of them.
HiFiSi: *Sits in cockpit, drinking*
Son: Dad, you need to sober up. *Hands him coffee* Do it for me. *Smiles and walks off*
HiFiSi: *Smiles* Okay, son. *Waits for him to be out of sight and pours the contents of his flask into the coffee* Stupid runt.
FireCrotch: *Turns on bullhorn* Good morning. Today is a big day. Today we kick some alien ass. Sure it's been done before, and probably a lot better.... But today is special. Aliens have attacked RI and they're gonna do it again.... we think. And that's not cool. So today we celebrate our victory... Today we celebrate.... OUR INDEPENDRINCE DAY! Who's with me?!
All: *Are sleeping* Zzzzzzzz.....
FireCrotch: .... I'll buy you all a beer later.
FireCrotch: *Puts on fighter helmet and gets into plane*
Lieutenant Shaft: And just what do you think you're doing?
FireCrotch: I gotta take action. Gotta fight. Satisfy my violent male urges.
Lieutenant Shaft: We all have to do that. That's why we play videogames... or masturbate.
FireCrotch: I can do that later. Today, I'm gonna blow something up.
Lieutenant Shaft: .... Alright, but I disapprove.
FireCrotch: Don't we all.
Lieutenant Shaft: *Confused* .... Y-yeah.... *Rolls eyes*
*In the hangar*
Serbitar: Okay, lift-off in 10... 9... 8...
*Guy taps him on shoulder*
Guy: Yeah, they kind of wanted an employee to do the countdown.
Serbitar: ... I'm keeping my Presidential mug! *Storms off*
Guy: 8... 7... 6... 5...... You know what? *Pushes button and ship takes off*
Bartimeaus: Whoa! Whoa!
*The ship flies out of atmosphere*
In space...
*Satellite flies by*
Satellite: Dudes, you're tuned in to MTV the station ONLY about music! Now let's watch some boring-ass reality sh- *Ships crashes through it*
Bartimeaus: I think you hit something.
Belmont: Probably space trash.
*They fly over to the mother ship*
Bartimeaus: Wow! Think of all we could learn from this mystical technology.
Belmont: Too bad, we're blowing it up.
Bartimeaus: ... But-
Belmont: No!
*They fly into the docking bay where aliens are congressing*
Bartimeaus: ... Holy shit.
Belmont: Damn... It's like some kind of crazay alien party thing...
*They approach the ship hangar and the ship stops*
Bartimeaus: Relax! They're just verifying the ship's syste-... Oh shit....
Belmont: What?
Bartimeaus: Some of the main systems were damaged, we had to... change some things.
Belmont: Like what?
*In control room*
Alien1: ... Rask uropitor oyoopia... qwertomunid. (What the hell is a Microsoft?)
Alien2: *Clicks around* Arenif odda boal lippy. (My God.... We have to disarm the MineSweeper program!)
Alien1: Ballicky analntroozin. (Hit that one on the left.)
Alien2: *Clicks* ... TRENSVISTATEINSTALL! (Oh shit! The we activated the mines!)
*They duck, screaming*
*In the unipod holding cell*
MetalGear: CAROLINA!
Carolina: Dad!
*They find each other*
MetalGear: There, everything turned out fine.
*Tentacles reach down from a grinder up ahead*
MetalGear: .... Shit. Wait! The grenade! *Pulls pin and throws it* AHAHAHAHA! *Grenade falls down beside them* AHHHH! *Throws it again, into the grinder*
*The unipod explodes and the cell falls down, freeing everyone*
Carolina: *Hugs MetalGear* I thought we were gonna die!
MetalGear: No, we'll be fine. Now to begin the long trek of journeying through cities over-run with unipods with death rays.
Carolina: .... Fuck.
Alien: Langue folle d'étranger d'âne.
Jon Ace: He's gonna kill us!
VE_hystrix: ....
Shelby: Remember... Swing like shi- *Moth flies in mouth* Ewwww.
*End flashback*
VE_hystrix: Jon... Swing like shit.
Jon Ace: Right! *Picks up a baseball bat* Die, you alien bastard! *Bat deflates* ... Oh yeah, I won this at the fair.
VE_hystrix: Dammit.
Son: *Cough*
VE_hystrix: Daughter, did I ever tell you about when you were born?
Daughter: No.
Jon Ace: ... You're seriously gonna do this now?... With a fucking alien, two feet in front of you.
VE_hystrix: Well, your mom was bleeding, and they didn't think she'd make it. But she did, they pulled out the baby, and sure enough... It was dead.
Daughter: O_o
VE_hystrix: Your mother was so depressed, so we went into the nursery and stole the first baby we saw. And while we were running from security, I looked at you... And you smiled.
Daughter: ... What the hell?!
VE_hystrix: That was the happiest day of my life... until we made bail, then I was even happier.
Jon Ace: ... That's the dumbest story I ever heard.
Alien: Je suis très ivre, je projette sur aller à la maison et battre vers le haut de quelques prostituées.
Jon Ace: I don't know what you just said... But your reign of evil ends now! *Picks up Patches and throws him at the alien's face*
*Patches shatters over the alien's face, and the alien is completely unaffected*
Alien: .... Diable était le point de celui?
*Suddenly bright lights fill the room*
All: O_O
Alien: ... Vous de se demander, les étrangers ont-ils obtenu parlent-ils réellement cette langue ? Ou est-il juste un certain cooincidence fou qu'ils retentissent la même chose ?
*Suddenly a giant, ghost-like image of Patches appears*
All: ....
Daughter: ... Man, this story doesn't make any damn sense.
Patches: Srekooh erom lik ot si efil fo terces eth. (Thank you for freeing me of my ceramic prison. I will repay you.)
*Lasers shoot from Patches and burn a hole through the alien's chest*
Alien: ARGH! *Raises finger in the air* Tout le heil Napoleon! *Falls over dead*
Patches: *Begins to fade away*
Jon Ace: *Touches Patches's energy field* Patches, you are... and always will be... my friend.
Patches: Dlrow eth yortsed ot denitsed, nomed elbirret a yllautca ma I. *Fades away*
Jon Ace: .... *Makes fist* Rock on.... Rock on.
*Immense air battle is taking place*
FireCrotch: *Avoiding missiles* We gotta buy them a little more time!
Hyren: *Shoots* This is ridiculous! These shields are tough!
Sickler: Goose, get out of there!
Goose: I can't!
*Goose explodes*
Pilot: Fucking Belkans!
All: What?
Pilot: ... Nothing.
Belmont: ... So we're gonna die.
Bartimeaus: .... Yep.
Belmont: .... That sucks.
Bartimeaus: .... Yep.
Belmont: Maybe we should upload that virus.
Bartimeaus: ... Oh yeah. *Clicks something* There. The shields are down.
Belmont: *Takes out cigars and lights them*
Bartimeaus: *Takes one and smokes*.... Wait.
Belmont: *Smoking* What?
Bartimeaus: We have a missile!
Belmont: Yeah! We just gotta press that button!
Bartimeaus: AHAHAHA!
Belmont: *Fires*
Computer: Missile Failure.
Both: .... Damn.
*Back in the battle*
Ackbar: The shields are down! Commence all fire on the main deck!
*Everyone launches missiles into the ship*
FireCrotch: WOOHOO!
*Back at the mother ship*
Belmont: .... So....
Bartimeaus: Yep.
Belmont: ... I always wanted to get this off my chest.... In the 9th grade, I paid a bunch of girls to pee on me.
Bartimeaus: ... Well... I guess some people would call that sexy.
Belmont: ... Then I made them poop all over me, rip off my clothes, and drag me from the back of their car, down the street.
Bartimeaus: O_O
Belmont: .... It was hot at the time.
Bartimeaus: ... Right.... I just thought of something.... *Hits Ctrl+Alt+Delete*.... *Clicks, "Certain Death- End Task"*
*The ship becomes free*
Belmont: The hell with the fat lady!
Rosie O'Donnel: FUCK YOU!
*The attack ship has a lot of little fires, but no major damage*
Hyren: They're opening the laser!
Sickler: DAMMIT!
FireCrotch: Doesn't anyone have any damn missile left?!
HiFiSi: *Flies into view* Sorry I'm late, Mr. President!
FireCrotch: Who the hell is that guy?!
Sickler: Some drunk.
FireCrotch: Lesser lifeform, are you armed?
HiFiSi: Armed and dangerous to anything that moves.
FireCrotch: Hahaha.
HiFiSi: .... I'm serious, get the fuck out of the way.
FireCrotch: ... Oh... right.
*Planes hold off the fighters*
FireCrotch: We got em runnin'! Let's pave the road.
Man: *Paves road with a steam roller* ...... PUNS ARE FUN, BITCH!
FireCrotch: Indeed they are. HiFiSi, take out that laser. You're the only one with missiles!
HiFiSi: *Launches all four missiles* FOX... ALL OF EM!
*Missiles fly*
*Missiles all miss*
All: .....
Sickler: WHAT THE HELL?!
FireCrotch: ....Oh.... my.... GOD!
HiFiSi: .... Whoops.
FireCrotch: You just doomed humanity, and you say... whoops?
HiFiSi: ...
FireCrotch: ... Gentlemen, it's been fun. Since we're all gonna die, I think I should tell you all.... I hate you.... Every last one of you.
All: .....
HiFiSi: *To himself* I gotta do the greater good... I have to end it. I have to sacrifice myself to save everyone.
*Laser glows*
HiFiSi: ... Fuck that. *Nudges Biggs with his wing*
Bigg: Not again! *Flies out of control, into the laser*
*In control room*
Alien: .... Mother fu-
*Whole ship explodes*
FireCrotch: ... Umm... I was just joking earlier.
Bartimeaus: Must go faster! GO GO GO!
Belmont: *Accelerates as ships chase them out of the mother ship* We're not gonna make it.
Computer: ... Drop a bomb, dumbass.
Belmont: ... Bombs? We have bombs?
Bartimeaus: I don't know, press something!
*Windshield wipers come on*
Belmont: ... No. *Presses something else*
Radio: They see me rollin'... They ha- *Gets turned off*
Belmont: Here! *Presses button*
*Big-ass bomb hits the floor of the ship*
Belmont: WHOOOHOOO! *Flies through the cargo doors*
*Ship explodes*
*Ship crashes into ground*
Belmont: ... Awesome... That was awesome!
Bartimeaus: ... Where'd we land?
Belmont: Who cares?
*They get out, and walk along a beach*
Belmont: ... What the-?
Bartimeaus: ..... Oh no.
Belmont: .... Oh, that is just bullshit.
Bartimeaus: You maniacs! YOU BLEW IT UP! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!
Belmont: *On knees, punding fist into ground* DAMN YOU!... DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
*Suddenly a truck drives up*
Belmont: I ain't goin' out without a fight!
*Two men get out*
Lieutenant Shaft: ....
FireCrotch: ... What the fuck?
Belmont: .... Oh.
Bartimeaus: .... *Puts down stick*
Belmont: ... But... the statue.
FireCrotch: "The Statue in Honor of How Awesome Planet of the Apes Was"? What about it?
Bartimeaus: ....
Belmont: ..... Nothing.
Part7: *Runs to Belmont* I thought you were dead. *Cries*
Belmont: Aw, baby. I'm back, you don't have to cry.
Part7: Right. *Shows him life insurance forms* I COULDA BEEN RICH, ASSHOLE! *Storms off*
Bartimeaus: .... That kinda sucks.
*At wreckage of a giant assault ship*
*Fires engulf the entire ship*
Serbitar: *Through bullhorn* ... We are willing to cooperate.
*Ship falls apart*
MetalGear: *Walks through decayed city*
*Unipod hops around*
Carolina: OH NO!
Unipod: I'M CHARGIN' MEH LASER! *Laser flashes* SHOOP DA WO-oooooooo.... *Powers down*
MetalGear: The hell?
*Unipod falls over*
Soldier: *Walks up* We found their weakness.
MetalGear: *Nods* They weren't immune the air that we breathe.
Soldier: No. They could survive fine. But luckily they were weak against a special bacteria we found from some hotdogs. Funny huh? *Bites hotdog and throws it at a unipod* Mmmmm, Polish dog.
MetalGear: Please tell me you didn't buy those from-
Hotdog Guy: *Sitting with pants down, on the hotdog cart* .... Howdy naybor! Want to buy Polish dog? Kill aliens real good!
Carolina: Can we get a hotdog, daddy.
MetalGear: FUCK NO!
*The family is outside*
VE_hystrix: Breathe! BREATHE! *Gives Son mouth-to-mouth*
Jon Ace: *Takes picture* Hehehe...
VE_hystrix: You have to breathe!
*Son opens eyes and coughs*
Son: I'm okay.
VE_hystrix: YES!
*Triumphant music*
*Piece of mother ship falls and pierces his brain*
VE_hystrix: .... The fuck?!
*Music stops*
Jon Ace: ..... That was fucking retarded!
VE_hystrix: ... Oh well... Who wants Dairy Queen?
*They all agree and drive off, leaving the body*
HiFiSi: *Walks around airfield* Son!
Son: I can't believe dad killed himself for us.
HiFiSi: .... What?
Son: I'll always be proud of that.
HiFiSi: ... I'm literally right in front of you, dumbass.
Son: *Walks off*
HiFiSi: ..... Idiot. *Drinks*
*MetalGear walks with Carolina to a hotel in Vegas*
MetalGear: You take her, bitch! *Walks the direction from which he came*
Wife: ... What happened to Numb-Nuts?
Carolina: He's gone now, but we'll always remember him... With this. *Takes out necklace with a tiny shriveled penis on it*
Wife: OH MY GOD! You sick freak!
Meanwhiler... >_>
VE_hystrix: *Sits reading paper*
Jon Ace: *Sits by him, fiddling with a Rubix Cube* ..... Dude... What'd we do with the alien corpse?
VE_hystrix: ... I don't know... And where's my daughter?
*Growling and crying upstairs*
Jon Ace: .... Should we do something?
VE_hystrix: Yeah.... Let's get the hell out of here.
Jon Ace: I heard that. *Gets keys and puts on a pimp hat*
Part7: *In bed, shirtless, blankets barely covering her* That was amazing.
Belmont: *Also shirtless*I know.
FireCrotch: *Is smoking* Yeah.
Bartimeaus: *Takes out ball-gag* Eh, I've had better four-ways.

Morgan Freeman: *Offscreen* And thus, it was. RI was saved from the dark alien menace. Including the penguins, the penguins were saved too. But for how long will this peace last? How long will RI go without a new conflict. I don't know... But I'm glad I don't go there. This is Morgan Freeman saying, Peace out, bitches. I'm out.



*A patch of dirt suddenly starts moving*
Vdg X: *Bursts through the ground* AHA! I made it! *Sees a sign saying, "New on video: Stuart Little 3!"* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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I'm a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and put into a box of weirdness. And I sleep with confusion.