*Against a black screen*
Brick: I hope you don't find me too much of an asshole.
to Part7 on the floor, beaten badly*
Part7: *Struggles to breathe; Shakes from the desire to kill him*
Brick: I bet
I could fry an egg on your head right now.... Mmmm... I could go for some eggs.... I wonder if there's a waffle house around
*Camera backs out*
*Behind Brick, 5 people in suits stand*
Brick: Now, I didn't do this just in the name of
evil.... No, I just wanted to straighten some things out.
Part7: B-Brick... I'm pregnant!
The 4th Skit for RIO by Vdg X...
*Cut to a dead woman on the floor*
That was the maid of honor.
*Cut to headless body in a chair*
... That was the best man.
*Cut to a shot of a man
That's Tony Danza.... I don't know why that picture's in here.
*Cut to shot of a man with his face blown in*
The groom.... Who I was to marry.
The piano player...
His friends... The groom's,
not Tony Danza's...
*Cut to Part7, knocked out... bullet wound in the side of her head*
to Part7, later... driving an old car*
Part7: *Driving* Looked dead didn't I? Well I'm not. But I was in coma, for 3 years.
Three long years. And I'm out for revenge. I've killed..... Ummm.... *Takes out a calculator and messes with it* ... That
decimal shouldn't be there... Uhhh *Throws it out* I killed a lot of people to be here. But I still have one more.... I am
gonna... kill.... Brick.
Part7: *Gets out of car and knocks on a door*
*Opens the door* ... O_O
Part7: Brick, can't we ju- *Gets punched in the stomach and goes down* AUGH!
*Stares her down*
Part7: *Stares back*
Cornet: *Stares* .... *Sneezes* .... *Has snot dripping from nose* Ewww.
.... Aw shit. *Gets kicked in the face*
Part7: *Tackles her, into the house, as the door closes*
Cornet: Dammit! *Picks
up a fire poker and swings it around*
Part7: Uhhh.... *Picks up a poodle*
Part7: *Hits Cornet with the
Cornet: AHHH! *THWACK* UGH! *THWACK!* OOOH! *Runs into kitchen*
Part7: *Throws the dog behind her*
Part7: *Runs into kitchen*
Cornet: *Throws a cookie jar in her face*
Part7: OW! That really hurt, you
bitch! *Grabs a knife and throws it in her arm*
Part7: *Gets another knife* Time to finish this!
*Enters* Mommy, I'm back from school.
Part7: *Hides knife*
Cornet: .... Hey... baby.
Girl: Why is there a mess in
the living room?
Cornet: .... Umm... It was Mitzy.
Mitzy: *Lies motionless on the floor*
is there a knife in your arm?
Cornet: Oh... It was a magic trick. *Pulls out knife* AHHH! MOTHER FUCK!.... *Holds knife*
S-see.... m-m-magic. *Blood squirts from arm*
Girl: .... Who's this lady?
Cornet: This is mommy's friend.
Hi... You know, I would've had a kid your age... But fate didn't allow it... *Tears up* .... You two... could've been friends....
You could've made E-Z Bake cookies together.... You could of experimented with heroine, for the first time together... And
you'd all go to school, and get suspended for- *On the verge of bursting with tears*- giving some boys a feel for $5.... *Sniff*
BUT NO!.... CAUSE IT ALL HAD TO BE RIPPED AWAY!.... BY THE CRUEL HANDS OF THE REAPER!
Girl: ... I'm gonna go play Barbie.
Part7: *Recovers entirely* Cute kid.
*They sit down and have coffee*
This mom used to be one of
us... A killer. She goes by Cornet, but back in the day, her codename was, "SPACESLUT"... She didn't have a very good codename....
Mine was "DARK WALRUS".... You know, most of us didn't have good codenames.
Cornet: So how have things been, "(BLEEP)".
O_O The fuck did you just call me, bitch?!
Cornet: Sorry, I'm a little tipsy.
Part7: .... Alright.
Cornet: I'm really
sorry ab- *Throws salt in Part7's eyes* HYAH!
Part7: ..... Ow!
Cornet: *Grabs a gun*
Part7: *Throws a knife in Cornet's
Cornet: ... Dammit... Didn't even make past the second post. *Falls down*
Part7: *Stands up and walks to the
Girl: *Stands there*
Part7: I'm sorry... She had it coming. When the time comes, you may fight me... In the
Part7: .... You know what? *Stabs her* I better be cautious. *Leaves*
few years earlier...
*Part7 lies motionless in a hospital; Still in a coma*
*A man in a female nurse's
Twiggy: *Sigh* I always get the tranny jobs. Alright. *Gets out a bottle of liquid* Time to finish this,
*Cell phone plays "Ridin' Dirty"*
Twiggy: *Sigh* ... *Picks up phone* Yeah? .... Hi Brick.... Yes, I'm in her
room right now.... No, but I just about to.... What?!.... You said "DON'T kill her?" .... No fucking way!.... Are you serious?
.... You said that?.... This is unbelievable! I DROVE FOR 9 HOURS TO GET HERE! .... OH MY GOD!.... That is unbelievable! ....
Well now what do I do? ..... Yeah, I'm near there...... *Sigh* Is the gift shop even open at this hour? ..... Alright, I'll
get one of those snowglobe things.... Okay, bye. *Hangs up* OH MY FUCKING GOD!
Twiggy: You were lucky this
time.... But if you ever wake up, I'll kick your ass. *Turns to door and leaves*
His name was Twiggy... Codename
"DRUNKEN HAMSTER".... For some reason Brick always gave him the missions that involved cross-dressing.... Never knew why.
there is movement*
Part7: *Jolts forward, awake*... What the hell? *Looks at a near-by calender* .... Oh my God.... I'VE
TRAVELED FORWARD THROUGH TIME!.... *Sees medical chart under it* ... Oh... Coma... That's cool too.... Wait... My baby!
*Looks down* Oh my God! They took my baby! *Wriggles around* Ooh, I bet I could fit into my jeans from high school now...
But still, my baby!
*Suddenly footsteps are heard*
Orderly: *Laughing like a moron* Hehe. Uh-yeah, she in dere. She
in dere, and she sleep. She sleep fo-evah!
*He enters with a trucker*
Orderly: Yeah, you see? You see? I tol' you! I
tol' you she be sleep! And now, you can have seximal introcurse. An' she no know.
Trucker: .... Okay, then.
Yeah. *Pulls off the blanket*
Part7: *Thinking* What the fuck?
Orderly: *Opens her gown, exposing her* Yeah.
Dat. *Points* Dat where you put it in.
Trucker: ... I am aware.
Orderly: Good... Cuz nobuddy tol' me.
Great, just wonderful.
Orderly: Now, you pay me. You pay me TWENTY-SAYVEN dollar! NOW!
Trucker: *Hands him some
Orderly: Ok, now I go buy candy. *Hunches over and hurries out the door*
Trucker: .... You know... This feels
wrong, and I think I may just have to reconsider my future plan of actions, for fear of the very thing I'm about to do, will
in turn betray my soul...
Part7: Oh thank God.
Trucker: .... Nah. *Drops pants*
Part7: Oh you little-
*Eats candy bar quickly and walks back towards Part7's room*
Trucker: Oh God! *BASH*
Shhhh! You gon' get me in trouble!
Trucker: PLEASE! SOMEBODY- *BANG!*
Orderly: ... Hey..... Whatch you doin' in dere?
pours under the door*
Orderly: .... YOU NOT DOIN' IT RIGHT! *Runs in, dropping the candy bar wrapper*
*Inside the place
is a mess, the trucker is in several pieces; Part7 is nowhere to be seen*
Orderly: ............... *Seems to put a thought
together* .......... *Loses that thought* .......
*Part7 comes out of nowhere and kicks him*
Orderly: OW! *Is grabbed
and his head is placed on the hospital bed*
Part7: *Grabs the bed remote and presses "Close"*
*The bed slowly moves
in a sandwhich position, with a buzz*
Orderly: NO! NO!... AHHHHH!! OH
Part7: ... *Yawns*
Orderly: OH NO!... OH NOOOOOO! OH GOD!... AHHHHHHHHH!
*Bed finally lightly closes in on his head*
Part7: *Stops* Where is Brick?!
I NO KNOW BRICK! YOU STUPID LA-Y!
Part7: You're lying!
Orderly: NO! I JUS' SELL HOTDOGS, WORK IN HOSPITAL, AND TELL
PEOPLE TO JUMP OUT OF PLANE!
Part7: ..... What?
Orderly: *Pants fall down, revealing a tatoo reading "Sam" on his ass*
Sam: My name Sam.... I gonna rub my ice cream on you nipple. *Holds a Klondike Bar*
.... *Holds down button*
Bzzzzzzzz- SQRISH! *Blood splatters everywhere*
Part7: Alright then. *Takes Sam's clothes
and puts them on* .... *Finds his wallet, full of cash* Hehe... *Pulls out keys and looks at the tag on them* ..... Party
*In a parking lot*
Part7: *Crawls on her belly* Gah... Fucking paralysis! *Continues to crawl
until she finds a bright green jeep, with "Party Wagon" written on the back*... That's it.
*She opens the door and crawls
Part7: *Panting, she crawls into the seat and focuses on her foot* Move your foot... Move your foot.... Move you
As I tried to move my foot, I thought to the guys who did this to me.
THE PERFECTLY EVIL
NINJA-LIKE INTERNATIONAL SQUAD! or P.E.N.I-.... You get it.
Part7- AKA: DARK WALRUS
Shelby- AKA: DIRTY LOBSTER
Twiggy- AKA: DRUNKEN HAMSTER
MetalGear- AKA: SHIFTY TURTLE
All led by: BRICK
first one I had to kill... Shelby (DIRTY LOBSTER). Her parents were killed right in front of her..... by Pandas. An unusual
sight, but horrifying non-the-less. She became a soldier, and one day, she slipped some poison into the bamboo heading to
the Chinese Zoo where the pandas were kept... She got her revenge. Later she would join P.E.N.I.S..... *Giggles*
Wiggle your foot... *Knees self in the face* OW!..... You know what?.... That's good enough. *Starts to jeep and drives off*
*Part7 gets out of the jeep; time has apparently passed, as she as gotten new jeans, a t-shirt, and a jacket*
*Walks with a shovel until she reaches a patch of dirt* Aha!
Part7: *Pulls out something* Huh? *Pulls out
a skull with a headress*.... Junk. *Tosses it and pulls out a box* Here we go.
I pulled out the things I had buried
to escape my past. A magnum... A snub nose... A field knife... A shotgun... A vibra-... Um, I mean a flask >_>... and
a picture of my unborn child... Then I found a few other boxes... Loaded with cash.
Part7: Oh yeah...
got my money and went to a place where I'd only heard of... I went to the finest swordsman in all of RI....
a Japanese styled grill, no customers are there*
Vdg X: *Cleans the bar*
Joe: *Watches TV*
Part7: *Enters and sits
at the bar*
Vdg X: *Smiles* English?
Part7: Umm, yeah I speak English.
Vdg X: No I was asking if your name was "English."
.... Uhh... No. Were you expecting someone named "English."
Vdg X: No, not really.
Part7: .... Umm, I'll have some sake.
X: Joe! SAKE!
Joe: *Gets up angrily and throws a bowl at the wall* ENOUGH!.... Every day, it's get the sake. Always, I
get the sake. I'm TIRED OF GETTING THE SAKE!
Vdg X: Well, that's your fucking job, THAT'S WHY I FUCKING PAY YOU!
You pay me under minimum wage! That's illegal!
Vdg X: Shut up, Ching Chong!
Joe: That's another thing! You are blatantly
racist against Asians!
Vdg X: Listen! I do not speak Chinese, okay?!
Vdg X: Now you get the sake, Ching
Joe: MY NAME IS NOT CHING CHONG! You are racist!
Vdg X: You may know kung-fu, but I'll still kick your ass!
*Angrily storms off behind the bar*
Vdg X: Asshole...
Vdg X: So, what brings you here?
Part7: I'm looking
for a man.
Vdg X: Me too, bastard stole my lucky hat.
Part7: ... I'm looking for Vdg X.
Vdg X: .... Vdg X?
*Walks out with a bottle of sake* There, enjoy. *Walks away*
Vdg X: ... What do you want with Vdg X?
Part7: I need RI
Vdg X: Oh! Well, I have a mattress out back. It's pretty cozy, I could put on some records and we-
NO NO!... No.... I need a sword.
Vdg X: Oh... Why?
Part7: I have vermin to kill.
Vdg X: Then you take this. *Puts
a bottle of Raid on the bar*
Part7: ... No, it's a metaphore.
Vdg X: .....
Part7: .... I have to kill people.
X: OH!... You very misleading. *Puts Raid next to various bottles on a shelf, all similar*
Part7: ... Umm, maybe you should
seperate those more.
Vdg X: No, keeps roaches out of bottles.
*Later in the attic*
Vdg X: These
are my art. *Shows her hundreds of swords*
Part7: May I?
Vdg X: Yes.
Part7: *Picks up a sword*
Vdg X: You like
swords?.... I like baseball. *Throws baseball, hard*
Part7: *Turns* Wha- *Gets hit square in the face* OW! *Covers eye
with hand* OH MY GOD! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
Vdg X: .... *Drinks from bottle of sake*
Part7: *Falls on knees*
Damn!... That's SO gonna be black eye!
Vdg X: ... I no longer make weapons of death. Now, I dull swords and sell them to
kids on eBay.
Part7: .... Then I'll take one of these and sharpen it.
Vdg X: NO! If I give away an item already on bid,
my history will go down like 10%... And I can't afford for that to happen.
Part7: .... Please, help.
Vdg X: Why should
Part7: The vermin I intend to kill... Is someone you know.
Vdg X: Ah.... Kelly Ripa.
Part7: Uh- yeeeeeah. *Rolls
Vdg X: Fine. I shall make your weapon. In the mean-time, train. Train li- *Throws baseball without warning*
Wai- *Gets hit again* AUGH!... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Vdg X: .... Train. *Leaves*
X: *In a bathrobe, like a kimono* I am doing what I swore I would never do again.... Ching Chong, give it here.
but gives him the sword* I'm not even Asian.
Vdg X: SILENCE, CHING CHONG!
Vdg X: I say,
with only the slightest of drunkeness, that this is my finest sword. If you come across God in your journey, God will say,
"Damn, man... That is a sharp sword." *Unsheathes it slightly* Revenge is never an easy path... It's like a hall of mirrors.
You walk in there, and you're taking it easy then you're all, "Oh shit! I just ran into a mirror."... And... then the carnival
worker has to come help you find a way out.
Part7: .... Right.... I guess.
Vdg X: My red-headed warrior... Repeat after
Part7: After me.
Vdg X: ... No, I me-.... Repeat all I say after this.
Vdg X: Killing thy enemy
Part7: Killing thy enemy is all...
Vdg X: Kill whoever stands in your way, whether it be a deadly ninja, a
feeble old woman, or a small child.
Part7: Kill whoever stands in your way, whether it be a deadly ninja, a feeble old
woman, or a small child.
Vdg X: I am...
Part7: I am...
Vdg X: Sofa-King...
Vdg X: Or knee.
Vdg X: Repeat that sentence.
Part7: Umm... I am Sofa-King or knee.
Vdg X: *Laughs* I'm sorry, I couldn't
Vdg X: Now arise, warrior. Find and kill Kelly Ripa.
Part7: *Takes sword* ... Right.... Kelly
Ripa. I'm gonna go and..... kill Kelly Ripa, then. *Hurries out*
Shelby hunted down all of the gangs
in RI and killed everyone who didn't cooperate. In case you're wondering how Shelby became the leader of criminal activity
in all of RI... It was only brought up once...
*Gangs are at a table, all of them are laughing and socializing,
except one; Shelby sits at the end of the table*
rom_maniac: *Asian sterotype* AHAHA! Yes, very good time we having. Yes
I rearry rike getting together like this. AHAWHAWHAWHAW!
Hyren: *Steams distressed* ........ *Throws bowl at wall, then
goes back to staring at his nails*
rom_maniac: .... YOU INSANE IN MEMBRANE?! That bowl very expensive! YOU
PAY FOR BOWL! And you make mess on carpet! It just creaned this morning! YOU PAY ME!
Hyren: How can you all be joyous in
this occasion!? We give up our hertiage.... For this?!.... To someone *Grimaces* .... whose name begins with an "S"
All: *Talk amongst themselves*
Shelby: *Smirks and jumps on the table*
rom_maniac: OOOOOOOOHHHHH! YOU WALK ON
TABLE! YOU GET TABLE DIRTY! *Hits table* YOU PAY ME!
Shelby: *Reveals sword and slices off Hyren's head*
rom_maniac: ....... AWWWWWW! You know how much this cost to clean?!
Shelby: You listen here! I'm going
to say this in Engrish to prove how serious I am! .... As your leader, I the complete knowledge that -- -- occasionally
and with the method always of displaying appreciation, and my decision is final, encourage in order to ask a question to my
logic. When it is not course of action agreeing upon of specification and I am wisest, it decided, so call to me. But permit
the fact that you have of me be convinced. And I taboo... do not promise present time the right, under the argument which
is subject excluding the subject which is fair.
rom_maniac: ...... *Hissing laugh* What the fuck? How drunk am I?
*Picks up head* When you have negativity, I of the thing which it comes having simultaneously on the first letter of my
name gather the price which pays your very head. Exactly, like this fucker here. Now you is not slowly when something other
ones you obtain in order to say now very there is a time.
*In a restaurant,
a private section for Shelby's crew*
Shelby: *Stands on a walk-way on the second floor*
*A large party commences below*
were the Retarded 69. A gang dedicated to Shelby. They always wore tuxedos and Groucho Marx masks.
They were legendary
for their skills with a sword.... And they were also legendary for what they could do with a cat, but we probably shouldn't
get into that...
Livewire420: *Laughs at a bar*
Livewire420, the bald guy, led them. He has killed many.
Men, women, children, and certain types of birds; He's killed them all.
Sickler: *Walks around, dressed normally*
wasn't a member of the 69. He was in-fact O Re-.... Er... Shelby's lawyer. He's been able to get her off for any charge they've
put her up for.
Judge: Shelby, you stand accused of murder, thievery, and raping a schoolboy. How
do you plead?
Sickler: *Stands and speaks for Shelby* Not guilty.
Judge: .... You realize we have pictures. *Shows a
picture of Shelby slicing up an old lady*
Sickler: ... Obvious photoshop... You can tell. that picture's far to realistic
for real life.
Judge: ... And the video?
*Video shows Shelby shooting up a bar*
Sickler: .... An actor.
Shelby on Tape: You like naughty girls? *Zip*
Boy on Tape: Look at dis color I make you! I color really pertty
Sickler: .... That is taken entirely out of context!
Dart the Pirate: *Sits at bar,
Woman: You wanna go back to my place?
Dart the Pirate: You wanna screw me?
Woman: *Giggles* Maybe.
the Pirate: ..... *Gets out a power drill* Or shall I screw you? *Laughs and inches closer*
*Screaming and blood splattering*
the Pirate: Hahaha! .... Get it?.... It's a pun!.... I "screwed" you!.... That's really fucking funny.
A deadly assassin. Crazy as well. One time he rushed the stage at Cirque De Soleil. A lot of people died... It was on the
news, Katie Couric covered it, and I think she actually won an Emmy for it... I'm not positi-... You get the point.
*Outside* This is where the fun starts. *Tries to unsheathe sword from her back*... *Can't quite reach high enough to get
it fully out* Dammit! Come on! *Pulls repeatedly* Co- *Gets it, and loses balance* Whoa-whoa-whoa! *Falls into some trash*
Dart the Pirate: *Looking at a waitor* You look like someone.... Who is it?
a green shirt and brown pants*
Dart the Pirate: Shaggy! Shaggy from Scooby Doo! You look like Shaggy! Oh my God! That is
fucking hilarious. You're like a friggen mirror image of him. *Laughs*
Waitor: .... I miss the gang. It just hasn't been
the same since Scooby died.
*In a bathroom in New Jersey*
Fred: *Crying in the shower* DAPHNE!... WHY DID YOU LEAVE
ME DAPHNE?! YOU HATEFUL BITCH!
*At a Wal-Mart*
Velma: *Handing out carts* Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart..... Welcome to
*At a rave*
Daphne: *Sniffs a line of cocaine* Ahhh! *Looks up, eyes bloodshot, mascara running* Auugg!
*Starts to shake, and foam at the mouth*
Guy: Holy shit!
Daphne: *Passes out*
Guy: ... *Shakes her* .... *Unbuttons
*Back to the restaurant*
Waitor: .... *Walks out*
*At the front door*
Sickler: *Opens the door*
Part7: You Sickler?
Sickler: Yeah, why?
Part7: *Punches him in the stomach*
*Across the room the band is
playing Numa Numa*
Shelby: I like this song.
Part7: *From across room* SHELBY!!!!
All: *Look to her*
Sickler with his arm twisted behind his back*
Sickler: OW! That really hurts, bitch!
Part7: We have unfinished business!
members of the Retarded 69 jump to their feet and get their swords ready*
Part7: O_O You kiss your
mother with that mouth?
SOMEBODY FUCKING HELP ME!
Part7: *Slices off Sickler's arm*
Sickler: AHHHHHHHH! *Blood gushes out in immense proportions*
OH GOD! *Gush* My arm! MY ARM! *Splatter*
*Huge spray of blood covers the floor*
Sickler: AUGH! OH GOD! *Squrish!* AHHHH!
*Slips in his own blood* AHHH! *Falls down*
Retarded 3: O_O
Retarded 5: Oh my God, that is just gross.
in pool of blood* ..... I need a Band-Aid!
Shelby: Prepare for you demise! *To her assistant by her* Is that janitor still
here? Get him up here with a mop.
Retarded 22: *Runs at Part7 with sword*
Part7: *Slashes sword in
Adam & Jamie: Bullshit. *Walk out*
Retarded 22: .... *Gets stabbed in the stomach and falls backwards*
Shelby: ..... KILL HER!
*All 10 of the present Retarded 69 present jump up and run toward her screaming*
*Makes a few simple slashes*
All: ..... *Fall*
*Outside we can hear
cars pull up*
*Helicopters drop off several members*
... You didn't really thi-
*More cars pull up*
Shelby: .... As I wa-
You didn't really think it'd be that easy, did you?
Part7: You know, for a second there... Yeah, I kinda did.
Part7: I'm coo-coo for CoaCoa Puffs.
Shelby: .... What?
Part7: ... You know, like the commercial.
No, that's a different cereal. The Silly Rabbit thing is from Trix.
Part7: The one with the marshmellows?
that's Lucky Charms. Trix is the one with, "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids."
Part7: Oh! Yeah, I know that one.
amouth of the Retarded 69 burst through the door and surround them*
Part7: .... Holy hell.... I thought there were only
69 of you!
Retarded 72: We no count good.
Part7: .... Oh.
Singer: .... They're about to fight.... We better play
a more badass song.
*Band plays heavier music*
Part7: ... Bring it!
Part7: *Slices his arm off*
Retarded 76: AHHHHHHH! *Falls down*
Part7: Oooh. I like this song. *Starts
*Blood spatters everywhere*
Part7: *Starts break-dancing, while slicing off their legs*
Part7: *Continues to slash*
Retarded 43: *Charges at her* AHHHHH!
Part7: *Falls backwards*
*Is about to stab her*
Part7: *Locks her legs around his waist*
Retarded 43: Hot! *Gets thrown down and then slashed
through the neck*
Part7: *Jumps up and slashes an attacker's hands off*
Retarded 68: AHHHHH!
Part7: *Slashes at the
crowd in a fury of strikes* AHHHHH! *Slash* AHHHHHH! *Slash* AHHHHHH! *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash* *Slash*
Part7: *Looks down; has sliced off clothes to her black underwear* Uhh... *Blushes* Hold
on a second. *Runs off screen, then back in the exact same jumpsuit she had earlier* Ok, now. *Kills 5 people*
are still alive and in one piece*
Part7: *Runs up the stairs as the swordsmen follow*
*Everyone runs into a room where
the lights go off*
Part7: .... Who the hell turned off the lights?!.... And who's humping my leg?!
*5 surround her*
*Slices off one's head*
Retarded 5: *Squares off with Part7*
Part7: *Blocks, stabs the person behind her, then goes
back to fighting the one in front of her*
Retarded 5: *Gets sliced in the chest and starts swaggering backwards*
3: *Gets hit by 5 and falls out window* AHHHHH!
Part7: *Turns her attention to the last one*
Retarded 55: *Shakes*
*Turns on light and sees that the fighter is just a young boy*.... *Sigh*... *Slashes his sword off*
Retarded 55: AHH!
Part7: *Slices his belt*
Retarded 55: *Pants fall down*
Part7: *Brings sword down an inch above his
Retarded 55: AHHH! *Shakes*
Part7: Now go home, before I give you a bris!
Retarded 55: *Runs out the door*
*Part7 slices several others apart*
Livewire420: *Draws blade* You have done well... for a girl. But now you
will meet your maker!
Part7: .... *Readies blade*
Livewire420: Hehehe.... Now we shall see how much of a warrior you
are. It is back to the truly basic elements of combat. Steel, bone, flesh, and mind.... and blood too. All of these things
equal to the ultimate human expression. Civilized battle. The one element of society that is a constant. It is all that will
ever be, or ever was. Yes, all cultures practice it. It is the e-
Part7: E-excuse me. Can I just say something?
Part7: I'm sorry, you were dragging on there, so I went ahead and just sliced off your arms.
*Stops monologuing and looks at the stubs remaining*..... Ah, dammit!
Part7: .... Yeeeeah.
Livewire420: That just sucks!
*Starts walking out the door* Fucking sucks! Somebody with all their fingers call me a cab! *Exits*
Part7: Hehe. Looks
like I w- *Gets struck on her ass and falls forward* AUGH! *Gets up and looks behind her*
Dart the Pirate: *Has a ball
on the end of a chain* I have a ball on the end of a chain... >_>
Part7: .... So I see.
Dart the Pirate: *Swings
Part7: *Watches, moving her head, following the ball*
Dart the Pirate: *Smashes the ball into the wall*
Dart the Pirate: ... *Strikes and hits a post* FUCK! This thing is hard to aim!... Screw it! *Grabs chain
and lunges at Part7*
Part7: AHH! *Is taken down and strangled*
Dart the Pirate: *Squeezing the chain tighter* I am gonna
kill you until you die!
Part7: *Struggling for air, notices something to her side*.... *Reaches for it*
Dart the Pirate:
.... *Looks at watch*
Part7: *Finally grabs the item*
Dart the Pirate: ... *Has a swan's neck driven
Swan: *Head protruding through the other side of Dart's skull* QWACK! WHACK! *Flaps wings*
Dart the Pirate:
... Ow. *Falls over*
Part7: *Rubs neck and gets up* .... *Climbs stairs and looks at the mass of dead and injured*
*Slips in blood*
Bob Saget voice-over: *Mimicing old woman* I've fallen and I can't get up!
Those of you lucky enough to still be alive, you will leave today, and forget your life of crime. But leave your limbs to
me!... I know some people who'd pay a lot for that shit! *Turns around and opens a door to the outside*
walks into a snow-covered garden*
Part7: *Shivers and rubs arms* Jesus, that's cold!
Shelby: *In a kimono, with a sword*
You've done well so far.
Part7: Dammit! *Rubs hands*
Shelby: ... It's not that bad.
Part7: Hey! I'm wearing all an
all leather jumpsuit! And not real leather! I got this shit at a Japanese flea market.
Shelby: ... Do you want a jacket
Part7: ... Nah, I'm good. *Readies sword*
Shelby: You're tool is fine indeed.
Part7: I DO NOT HAVE
A PENIS! You take that back!
Shelby: ... The sword.
Part7: .... Oh. Ohhhhh! Yeah, I got it from great swordmaker.
Part7: Vdg X.
Shelby: LIES! LIES AND SLANDER!
Part7: Oh no, it's quite true.
Shelby: Prove it.
As you wish.
*They charge and slash swords*
Part7: You've gotten better.
Shelby: As have you... Which is really insulting
to me, considering that you've been in a fucking coma for years... There's something you should know... I'm not left-handed.
*Tosses sword to right hand*
Part7: Neither am I. *Changes hands*
*They slice some more at each other*
protrude from suit*... FUCK! It's cold.
Shelby: *Blood drips down sleeve* ... Odd, considering I don't have any slashes
in my clothing.
Part7: This is it.
Part7: Re- *Sneezes*...
Part7: *Ahem* Ready?
Part7: *Does the same... the sword backwards* ... Umm... *Switches*
*They run at each other*
*They both stand 5 yards away from each other*
Shelby: *Turns around* Ha! I am unharmed.
*Realizes "Part7 was here" has been sliced into her stomach*.... That really was a Vdg sword.... *Falls down*
Shelby: Did he make it for you?
Shelby: He must've liked you.
Part7: ... He was also
pretty drunk >_>.
Part7: *Pleased* I am the victor. *Turns around to reveal huge slash in the back
of her top, from the ends of each shoulder blade*... Aye. I better get the Neo Sporin.
Sickler: YOU FUCKING BITCH! OH MY GOD! You sliced my fucking arms off! My legs!!! RIGHT FUCKING OFF!
*Bashing head into side of the trunk he is in* OH... MY... FUCKING... GOD! You sliced them off!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!
Part7: Where is Brick?
Sickler: I'll never tell you!
Part7: ..... *Unzips his pants
and gets out a knife*
Sickler: ON SECOND THOUGHT, he'll probably go to tell MetalGear that you're coming, MetalGear lives
in a trailer out in the middle of nowhere, around a desert.
Part7: Good. *Sheathes knife* Now, you tell Brick that I'm
coming. And there's gonna be hell to pay!
Sickler: What are you- *Gets pulled out of the trunk and thrown down a hill*
AH-AH-AH-AH! *Rolls into some trash cans*
Part7: *Gets on motorcycle and tries to kick start it*... Come on..... *Kicks*
Dammit! *Bike starts suddenly and the back wheel catches her pant leg* What the?! *All of her clothes rip off suddenly* ......
*Sits on the bike, naked as the day she was born* ....
Sickler: *From the ditch below* HAHAHA! Smooth! *Laughs* Nice ass!
*Mutters incoherently* Just great! *Rides off*
*In a dark room*
Sickler: *Is propped up in a chair*
*Circles menacingly* So... She's heading to MetalGear next?
Sickler: Yeah probably.
Brick: And you told her where he
Brick: ... Now explain to me why I shouldn't kill you.
Sickler: Listen, do you realize how hard
it's going to be to jack off without any arms?
Brick: .... Good point. I suppose you've suffered enough.
Brick: I have one more question.
Brick: Does she know her child is still a- *Slips and
falls* OW! Dammit! Who left this fucking banana peel here?
TO BE CONTINUED..................................................................................
PULP [pulp] n.
1. A soft, moist, shapeless mass or matter.
2. A magazine or book
containing lurid subject matter and
being characteristically printed on rough, unfinished paper.
3. The chunky
shit that those guys put in your orange juice that nobody likes, and you're trying to drink a nice smooth orange juice, then
you start choking on it and you're all like, "What the fuck? That is just retarded."
Webster's Dictionary: Simple
*Two people sit at a table in a diner*
Shadow: Forget it, I don't want to do it.
Shelby: You always
Shadow: Yeah, but I'm right this time.
Shelby: No you're not, you're never right.
Shadow: Name one time
I was wrong.
Shelby: Well let's see... Oh yeah, I seem to remember a little incident at a birthday part-
Shelby: Yeah, and my grandmother really enjoyed seeing your little- *Dangles index finger*
Shadow: Look! I
thought a stripper would be funny, and it would be too awkward if it wasn't someone we all knew.
Shelby: You ruined the
Shadow: IT WAS A BIG CAKE! MOST OF IT NEVER TOUCHED MY PENIS!!!
*Waitress pours coffee*
Waitress: O_O *Sets
coffee down and runs out*
Shadow: ..... Thank you!
Shelby: Look, let's just do this. One last time.
Shelby: *Smiles* Alright Nutty-Butty.
*They jump up with guns*
Shadow: EVERYBODY BE COOL! THIS IS
Shelby: If any of you dicks, so much as sneeze I'll slit your throats an pee in it!
Shadow: O_O .... Dude,
*Cut to a car driving down a road*
Bartimeaus: *Driving* Okay, tell me about the SK markets.
What about em?
Bartimeaus: Well, what's the thing with it?
MetalGear: Well, you can just come out and say, "I want SK
for pics of my dick." And get paid, and they can't even get you if you don't fork over the pics.
What else they got?
MetalGear: Well, the best part are the little differences. Like over there, they don't call SK "SK"...
They call them kudos.
MetalGear: Yeah. You know what they call topics?
Bartimeaus: Hehe.... Threads. What do they call posts?
MetalGear: Shit, I don't know. I never really looked
*Car is stopped as they stare into the trunk*
MetalGear: We should have shotguns for this.
MetalGear: Or tigers.
Bartimeaus: .... Tigers?
MetalGear: Yeah! We release some tigers, and they're all, "Ahhhhh!
What the fuck!" *Chuckles* "Where'd the tigers come from." *Chuckle* Hehe... Yeah.
*Gets pistol and walks away*
MetalGear: Yeah.... tigers. *Closes trunk*
*They're in a building*
MetalGear: So what's her name?
When did Mizua meet her?
Bartimeaus: I don't know. She used to be an actress.
but just some skits.
Bartimeaus: Yeah. You ever read a-
Bartimeaus: I didn't
finish. You ever re-
Bartimeaus: .... Well, when you do re- *Waits*
.... When you do, skits are these little things, where some guy writes these comedy things in like a movie script form.
Never heard of 'em.
*They step on an elevator*
Bartimeaus: You know oblivios?
MetalGear: What? Wasn't listening.
MetalGear: .... Yeah, I know em.
Bartimeaus: Well, Mizua messed him up last week.
MetalGear: For what?
MetalGear: Did he fuck her?
MetalGear: Did he shoot whipped cream into her ears and pee
in her mouth?
Bartimeaus: .... HOW THE FUCK, DO YOU GO FROM... Nevermind. No he didn't. Foot massage.
MetalGear: ..... What'd Mizua do?
Bartimeaus: Well, he grabbed him, ran him over the side of
a balcony, he fell 5 stories into a fucking greenhouse.
MetalGear: Shit. He still alive?
Bartimeaus: Yeah, don't worry.
Something broke his fall.
Bartimeaus: *Sniff* Cutest little kindergarden class.
*They walk into the hall*
MetalGear: You don't think it was an overreaction?
Well he should've known.
MetalGear: But it's a foot massage. I would've atleast liked to rip off her clothes and pour mustard
all over her.
Bartimeaus: ..... Nobody loved you as a child did they?
MetalGear: ..... Emotionally or physically?
*They walk to door "42"*
MetalGear: Hehe... neat.
Bartimeaus: When it's time, we'll bust in. Then we mess with
em a bit.
MetalGear: Alright. *Whispering* Hey... Is Part7 hot?
Bartimeaus: Why do you care?
MetalGear: He wants
me to take care of her while he's on a trip.
Bartimeaus: Whoa... you mean.... *Makes pelvic thrusts*
He wants me to take her out. Show her the town and shit. Maybe go to that 90s resteraunt they just opened up.
*Looks at watch* We gotta go.
*They walk in*
MetalGear: Damn, they should really lock their door.
*Walking in* Hiya fellas!
*Two guys sit a table; One with his back against the wall*
... I said, Hi.
Bartimeaus: ..... I said.... Hi.
Twiggy: .... Hi.
Bartimeaus: There we go.
*Walks to the fridge* You got a Yoohoo?
Bartimeaus: *Sigh* MG!
MetalGear: .... What?
Bartimeaus: You're ruining the
MetalGear: .... What, I'm thirsty.
Bartimeaus: You can't wait for a few seconds.
MetalGear: If I want a goddamned
Yoohoo, I can get a goddamned Yoohoo!
Bartimeaus: ..... *Back to Twiggy* We're associates of your business partner... Mizua.....
You remember Mizua?
Twiggy: .... Y-yeah.
Bartimeaus: *Looks at the table* Looks like we caught you at breakfast. Whatcha'
Twiggy: .... B-....
Bartimeaus: What kind?
Twiggy: Burger King.
Aw shit, yeah! I found a Yoohoo! *Shakes bottle*
Bartimeaus: ..... MG, dammit!
MetalGear: .... *Opens it and drinks*
I love Burger King. What kind you get?
Twiggy: The.... Texas Double Bacon Whopper.
Bartimeaus: Ooooh.... That's the
one with the peppers.
Bartimeaus: That's good. Mind if I take a bite? *Picks up burger and takes a bite*
Mmmmm... That's a tasty burger. MG, you want a bite?
MetalGear: *Drinks* After two people already bit some of it off? No.
... What? You're a germaphobe now?
MetalGear: No, I'm not a fucking germaphobe. That's just disgusting.
You sayin' I have a germy mouth?
MetalGear: You know what I mean!
Bartimeaus: No, I'm afraid I don't.
Bartimeaus: .... *Points to cup* What's in this? *Picks it up, ready to drink*
*Opens lid and looks inside* ..... Ya'll some fucked up motherfuckers.
MetalGear: *Stands with jaw wide open*
.... *Sets the cup back down*... *To the other person at the table* Where's the stuff?
Holy Monkey: *Thinks*
*Against the wall* It's unde-
Bartimeaus: I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GODDAMN THING!
Serbitar: Geeze, somebody's a
Bartimeaus: Wha-.... Shut up! *Back to Holy Monkey* Where is it?
Holy Monkey: Under the bed.
*Reaches under the bed and pulls out a briefcase, he opens it and checks out what's inside*
Bartimeaus: We cool?
..... We VERY cool.
MetalGear: *Closes and walks to Bartimeaus*
Twiggy: Look, I'm real sorry
about this. I just wanted Mizua to know tha-
MetalGear: *Shoots Holy Monkey several times*
Twiggy: HOLY FUCK!
As you were saying?
Bartimeaus: What does Mizua look like?
Bartimeaus: What country
Twiggy: .... What?!
Bartimeaus: If a train leaving Seattle is going 50mph has left the station at 5:30 AM,
how long would it take to cross paths with a train leaving New Jersey going 80mph, is neither made any stops along the way?
*Is writing on a notepad* Uhhh.... What?
Bartimeaus: ALGREBRA-MOTHERFUCKER-DO YOU KNOW IT?!
Bartimeaus: ... What?
MetalGear: What, what?
Bartimeaus: *Takes out gun* OKAY! I'm seriously confused now! Next person who says "what?" one
more goddamned time, gets a bullet!
Bartimeaus: Now, let me retort... Mizua... Does he look like a bitch?
Bartimeaus: *Not thinking, shoots him in the thigh*
MetalGear: AUGH! Dammit!
Bartimeaus: Oh shit! Sorry, I
MetalGear: YOU BITCH! AHHHHH!
Bartimeaus: You ever read the bible Twiggy? Well there's this one verse
I got memorized. Deuteronomy 25:11-12. "If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from
his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand." *Points gun* "Show her
no pity." *Shoots*
Twiggy: *Falls over dead*
MetalGear: Dude... That was nice.
MushroomStomp: *Runs out and shoots*
"METALGEAR AND PART7"
*In the back of a private bar*
ItachiUchiha: I don't wanna
throw any fights.
Mizua: Well, you don't have many options. If you win, I lose. I lose, you lose.
in order for me to lose, I will win. Which is winning.
Mizua: .... Shut the fuck up. The fact of the matter is. You're
*Throws down money*
ItachiUchiha: .... *Takes*
Mizua: .... Any questions?
ItachiUchiha: ... Why do
you have a band-aid on the back of your head?
Mizua: ... Bowling.
ItachiUchiha: .... Bowling?
Bartender: I heard you're taking out Part7.... Don't do anything stupid.
MetalGear: I fucking
won't. I know she's with Mizua. And he'll fuck me up.
Bartender: You ever wish you were a German?
MetalGear: .... What?
Hehehe. I think you know what I mean. *Winks* You know.... with the ducks.
MetalGear: ...... *Drinks*
goes to sit down at a bar beside MetalGear*
ItachiUchiha: I'll have a pack of Green Limes.
Bartender: Filtered or shoved
up a live squirrel's ass?
ItachiUchiha: N-..... *Looks at Bartender*...... Non-Filtered.
Bartender: At once, your honor.
*Gives him a pack of cigarettes*
ItachiUchiha: .... *Notices MetalGear staring* You want something compadre?
I ain't your father.
ItachiUchiha: .... What?
MetalGear: .... You heard me.
Mizua: MG! In here.
into the room*
ItachiUchiha: *Realizes he's with Mizua* Guess I better let off.
Bartender: *Cleans bar* My sister can
touch her ass with her nose.
ItachiUchiha: ..... *Looks at bartender*
*In a shabby bedroom*
This is the cheapest I got. It's basic.
MetalGear: *Inspects bag of white powder* What about the other stuff.
Sickler: It's very concentrated. Great stuff.
MetalGear: ..... Fine. *Pays him and takes
a bag* This sugar will make my muffins taste great! .... Now about that coke.
Sickler: Oh yeah, here. *Throws him a bag*
*Catches and puts in his coat* You know what some asshole did to my car last month?
Sickler: Keyed it?
Filled it full of human shit.... I swear to God. I had to buy a new one.
MetalGear: This world's pretty
fucked up, you know? Sometimes I think we're the only good people left.... Well I'll be back for more cocaine next week, tomorrow
I have to kill a hooker and cut off her daughter's legs.
Sickler: See ya.
Later... At Mizua's place.
*MetalGear walks to the door, straightening out his suit*
note* "Hi, MG. I'm getting dressed. Come on in and have a drink."... *Turns nob*... Nobody fucking locks their door anymore.
*He wanders around, finding the bar*
MetalGear: Alright. *Pours vodka and RealLemon*
Part7's Voice: *Over
Intercome* Enjoying yourself?
MetalGear: *Spits out drink* HOLY SHIT! GHOSTS! *Takes out gun and rolls behind the
Part7's Voice: ..... Ummm... It's me... Over the intercom.
MetalGear: *Gets up, rubbing his hair* Knew
that. *Goes back to his drink*
Part7's Voice: Make yourself at home and I'll be down in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
*Mumbling* Fucking British. *Drinks*
*Part7 walks down the stairs, in a white blouse and black pants*
Part7: I'm rea-
*Trips down the stairs, but lands on her feet* ...... *Regains balance*... I'm ready.
*In the car in
front of RabidSquirrel Flat's steakhouse*
MetalGear: The fuck?
Part7: This is it. It's a 90s diner.
Not what I expected it to look like.
Part7: Come on, don't be such a- *Draws triangle with fingers*
You mean square?
Part7: ... Right.
*Part7 and MetalGear are sitting at a booth*
Waitor: *Dressed as John Travolta from Pulp Fiction*
Hi, I'm Vincent, what do ya' want?
*MetalGear and the Waitor stare at each other*
Both: Nice suit.
have a ribeye.
Waitor: Red or Well-Done?
MetalGear: Still on the fucking cow.
Part7: I'll have the same, and a cherry
Waitor: Okay. *Mumbling* I hate my fucking life. I'm go- *Indistinct*
MetalGear: Did you just order a $4
Part7: ..... Yeah.
MetalGear: Was it full of heroin?
Part7: ... No.
MetalGear: .... Shit, that's a lot.
... Most shakes tend to be that much.
MetalGear: .... Shut up. *Takes out a cigarette and lights it*
Part7: Mind I have
MetalGear: Go buy your own fucking cigarettes! These are mine!
MetalGear: I mean.... Sure. *Hands
her one and lights it*
Part7: *Smokes* Thanks.
MetalGear: So I heard you did a skit.
Part7: Two actually.
What were they about?
Part7: Well, one was poking fun at MGS3.
MetalGear: Really? Sounds like fun. *Smokes*
The best part was, I was going to be able to tell a joke at the end... But it was cut.
MetalGear: What was the joke?
It's kinda corny.
MetalGear: Try me.
*5 Minutes later*
MetalGear: *Jaw wide open*
Part7: *Laughing* - So then
she pulls the balloon out of her vagina, while the priest cleaned off his penis and then the rabbit walks in and says, "You'll
never guess what happened to me today!" HAHAHA!
Waitor: *Sets things on table*
MetalGear: .... They
were gonna let you use THAT joke?
Part7: What?.... OH! The joke! No, this is just what happened at my 17th birthday party.
.... What about the joke?
Part7: I can't, it sucks.
Part7: Hey, they're having a dance contest. How
about we enter it?
MetalGear: I ain't no dancer..... Not anymore.
Flashback voices: TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!
MetalGear: .... Don't concern yourself.
Joe: *Onstage* Alright, due to people being completely stupid, we are not allowing any more submissions
of the macarena.
Joe: ... Anyone else gonna dance?
Part7: Come on.
Part7: I'll tell
Mizua that you gave me a foot massage.
MetalGear: ..... Damn.
*They walk up onstage*
Part7: *Takes off high-heels
and sets them aside*
snydfd83: *Grabs shoes* .... *Sniffs them and runs away with them*
Joe: Alright. Are you ready?....
Fuck it, I don't care. Just dance.
*"You Never Can Tell" plays*
MetalGear: *Takes off shoes and slides around in his
Part7: Wow..... You suck.
MetalGear: I'm just warmin' up. *Spins her*
Part7: *Swings back* Not bad.
gets progressively more skilled*
MetalGear: *Shuffles arms and then grabs Part7*
Part7: *Dips him.... Drops him*
Part7: ... Sorry, that looked easier than it was.
MetalGear: *Gets up... Puts rose in mouth*
Part7: *Swings around
him and grabs the stem with her teeth*
MetalGear: *Spins her at amazing speed*
Part7: *Is practically one big blur*
watches, eyes following the spins*
MetalGear: .... *Looks at watch*
*Part7 slows down*
Part7: *Losing balance* ....
Whoa. *Straigthens out* Here. *Picks up some knives and tosses them to MetalGear*
MetalGear: ... I got ya. *Starts throwing
Part7: *Dodges them with amazing acrobatics*
MetalGear: Not a scratch.
Part7: Yeah. *Turns around to reveal
horrifying scratches on her back*
MetalGear: O_O Aye!
Part7: *Turns back* What? What is it?
MetalGear: ..... Nothing.
they're at the house, with the trophy*
Part7: *Holding trophy, wearing MetalGear's jacket* I can't
believe we got it.
MetalGear: Good thing I saw who won, or else we wouldn't of known who to beat up.
Part7: Yeah. *Wipes
blood off trophy* I'm gonna go freshen up. *Notices white powder in pocket* Hmm.... Sugar?
*In the living room*
ahahahaMOO: We believe that the aliens came he-
MetalGear: ... Part7?... *Gets up and walks upstairs*
Par- *Sees her, knocked out*..... Oh fuck.
Sickler: *Masturbating in the kitchen*
Sickler: DAMMIT! I never get to fucking
finish! *Picks up phone* Hello?
MetalGear: *Driving very fast* Sick?! I need help man! I'm in deep shit!
up* How deep?
MetalGear: PART7, MIZUA'S GIRL, JUST FUCKIN' OD'D ON COKE!
Sickler: *Jaw open* .... Go to a fucking hospital!
I CAN'T! They'd arrest me, no question. I'm heading over there.
Sickler: WHAT?! No! No!.... Are you on a cell phone?! I
don't know you! PRANK CALL! PRANK CALL! *Bashes phone into table* PRANK CALL! *Throws it in a pot, and turns on the stove*....
*Fills the pot with oil, lighting it's contents on fire* PRANK CALL! *Throws the contents on the floor and stomps on the phone*
*Tires screech outside*
Sickler: Oh God! *Looks for a book* Cornet! Where's the fucking book?!
Sickler: THE GOD-DAMN MEDICAL BOOK! He's gonna be here soon!
*Car crashes through wall*
Cornet: .... He's here.
Sickler: ... Really? I had no fucking IDEA!
MetalGear: *Gets out, carrying Part7* WHAT
DO I DO?
Sickler: Shit! I don't know!
Cornet: Who's that?
Sickler: She's none of your fucking business! *Runs into
the kitchen* Come on!
*Part7's head bashes into the side of the door*
MetalGear: What do we
do?! *Drops her*
Sickler: *Finds book* AHA! *Reading, grabs knife* Commence the preperation!
*Looks at cover* Fucking Lovecraft! *Finds other book*
MetalGear: WHAT DOES IT SAY!
Sickler: *Thumbs through it* I gotta
find it! Umm.... Right now, elevate her legs. Or something! Make sure she can breathe.
MetalGear: *Is slapping Part7 repeatedly*
Sickler: .... Dude... The fuck?
MetalGear: .... So she can breathe.
..... We need a needle! I have some in my car. *Runs outside*
MetalGear: *Drags her by the arms*
Part7: *Slides* .....
*Pants and underwear slide off*
*They all are outside*
Sickler: *Opens trunk* Here! *Takes out needle and a few bottles*
Alright! *Drops Part7's hands* Now what?
Sickler: *Reads* Give me a sec.
*Dog grabs onto Part7's shirt and pulls it
MetalGear: *Oblivious* Hurry!
Part7: .... *Completely naked*
MetalGear: *Picks her up, under her armpits*
The important thing is not to make a scene.
*A group of people stare as MetalGear holds Part7's naked, knocked-out body*
..... Back inside.
"THE GOLD-PLATED WATCH THAT DOESN'T EVEN WORK ANYMORE"
*About 30 years ago, in a suburban house*
Mom: Son, somebody's here to see you.
ItachiUchiha: *Very young*
VE_hystrix: *Walks in, wearing a military uniform* Umm... *Slow, creepy kind of voice* Hello... Little fella. I was
a good friend of your father's... Back in the Spice Wars. This was before the incident, when, while your father was getting
a felatio from a woman, who we assume was Portuguese, was crushed by a large pile of elephant shit that for some reason, was
in the room above him.... Anyway, that's not really important. The main thing is, that while serving with your father, he
told me about you... your mother... and a cheap floozy who he was seeing on the side.
I'm sorry.... I thought you left.... You know, it's sort of rude to spy in on other people's conversations.
Mom: .... *Storms
off in anger*
VE_hystrix: Anyway, back to the story. He told me about you, your mom, and Mrs. Gallen. He said that if something
were to ever happen to him, and we were sure that he couldn't come back as a zombie, or his ghost didn't find me in 48 hours,
I was supposed to give you his watch. *Holds out watch* Now, son... This watch was very important to your daddy. It was first
stolen by your great-grandfather off of the corpse of a child who he stabbed to death, in a violent, drunken rage. After that
it was passed down to your grandfather... who lost it in a poker game.... But stole it back, the next night. Then it was given
to your daddy, who I fought with in the war. We were both captured and became POWs.... So he hid it in his ass... The truth
be told, they didn't ever search anybody. And your father knew that... So until this day, I wondered why he hid it in his
ass... I'll never truly know. When he died, his final wish was for me to hide it in my ass, until I could give it to you.
I of course, didn't put it in my ass... Because their was honestly no point to it. So I give you this watch today. And you
may one day pass it on to your son.
*Hands him watch*
ItachiUchiha: ... *Sniffs*
Ted: *Sportscast* My God, Al... I've never seen a fight like that... ever!
Al: It was truly vicous, Ted. I gotta
wonder did Itachi even know he was killing that guy?
Ted: I don't think so... But you know, after he killed him, and was
having sex with his corpse, I think it hit him.
Al: Agreed. But I think he beat the shit out of that old lady, just out
Ted: Still, it was brutal.
Al: ..... Ted?
Ted: ... Yeah?
Al: .... I love you.
Ted: .... The hell?
to a taxi cab*
Belmont: *Driving* Where ya headin'?
ItachiUchiha: Somewhere away from here.
Belmont: *Drives* You're
that guy right? The one from the news?
ItachiUchiha: For the last goddamn time, she said she was 20!
Belmont: No! The
fighter. You're the fighter.
ItachiUchiha: .... Oh.... Yeah.
Belmont: You really beat that guy?
It's a little fuzzy... I don't remember anything after his head fell off.
Belmont: I can't believe you killed him.
Belmont: Yes, this is common to people whose heads fall off.... So what was it like?
What's it like to kill a man.... With the sweat flying in the spotlight... Blood all over the floor, you grab both of his
lifeless shoulders, then you pull down your pants-
ItachiUchiha: You're kinda messed up aren't you?
to ItachiUchiha at a payphone*
ItachiUchiha: Listen! I fucking killed him! I wasn't even supposed to win..... Yes, I do
think Mizua will be mad!..... What?.... There's a bear in your house, you say? I'll be right over! *Hangs up* .... Wait, my
name's not Smith.
*Later, the taxi pulls up in a parking lot of an apartment complex*
ItachiUchiha: Now if anyone asks
who gave you your fare... You say what?
Belmont: The truth.... That you never paid me.
ItachiUchiha: .... Right. *Gets
*The next morning*
ItachiUchiha: *Dresses after showering* You ready, sugarbump?
Where will we go, lemon-pie?
ItachiUchiha: I don't know, schmoopy. But it'll be fine.
Wife: I trust you.
No matter where we are, we'll have each other, love. *Looks in suitcase* .... *Throws suitcase down angrily* YOU FUCKING BITCH!
*Throws her into the wall*
Wife: AHHHH! *Falls down*
ItachiUchiha: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY WATCH?! *Throws TV*
ItachiUchiha: Speak ENGLISH, RETARD!
Wife: I... thought I packed it.
ItachiUchiha: You thought?...
YOU THOUGHT!? YOU WHORE! YOU FUCKING WHORE! I'M GONNA SLIT YOUR GODDAMN THROAT! I SWEAR TO GOD!
.... I'm sorry, that wasn't cool.
ItachiUchiha: Okay, you forgot it... I'll go get it.
Wife: ... Won't
the gangsters be looking for you?
ItachiUchiha: AW SHIT! I FORGOT THE GANGSTERS! YOU LITTLE BITCH! *Is about to punch her*
.... Naw, it'll be fine. *Walks outside*
*Later, ItachiUchiha drives to a street and gets out*
casual... then jumps on a fence... the fence falls with him on it* Ow!.... Shit! *Gets up and continues into his old apartment*
*Looks around and finds the watch* Alright. *Puts it on and sniffs it* This is it. *Gets a Coke out of the fridge* Hehe....
*Notices something on the table* .... *Picks up a large machine gun* The hell?
MetalGear: *Walks out of bathroom, spraying
Lysol everywhere* Fucking nachoes. *Sees ItachiUchiha*
ItachiUchiha: .... *Grips gun*
MetalGear: .... Shit.
ItachiUchiha: *Holds down trigger*
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
BANG BANG Click click click
MetalGear: .... *Unharmed, looks at the bullet holes all around him* ... Dude, you
suck... You were literally 3 feet in front of me.... I honestly don't even see how it is humanly possible to miss from that
MetalGear: *Gets out a knife* Hehe- *Plaster falls on head, knocking him out*
.... *Gets a napkin and wipes the prints off of the gun and sets it down, walking away* .... *Gun explodes* ..... *Looks back;
*ItachiUchiha pulls up to a red light and stops, singing along with his radio*
... My, my, this here Anakin guy, maybe Va- *Sees someone in front of him* Holy shit.
Mizua: *Turns to look at him*
... The hell?
ItachiUchiha: ... *Hits the gas and rams him*
Mizua: *Flies backwards, doing a flip*
up 9.8 signs as crowd cheers*
*ItachiUchiha crashes into a streetlamp*
ItachiUchiha: AUGH! *Gets out and catches breath*
Ow, my ass! *Gets up and points gun* You son of a bitch! *Fires*
ItachiUchiha: SHIT! *Runs*
*Runs into a Pwn Shop*
Hyren: *At counter* Can I help you? Jewelry, lawn mowers, hardcore anal rape, or a DVD?
N-.... *Stares at him*.... No.
Mizua: *Runs in, to get punched out by ItachiUchiha*
Hyren: Oh snap.
*Grabs gun and points it at Mizua* I'll show ya.
Hyren: *Points shotgun* STOP!
ItachiUchiha: This doesn't concern you!
YES IT DOES! HELP!
Hyren: *Picks up phone* I got us some sexy toys.
Mizua: ... Nevermind! It doesn't concern you!
*In a dark room below the pawn shop*
ItachiUchiha: .... *Is tied to chair, with
ball-gag in his mouth*
Mizua: *Is also restrained, but for some reason is tied to the chair backwards* ..... *Tries to
talk through gag* Ooo aohe ee uh ou al!
ItachiUchiha: ..... Uh oo.
Hyren: *Walks down stairs*
Belmont: *Follows in
Belmont: Who's first?
Hyren: The one on the left. He's got a pretty
*They drag the chair with Mizua into a back room*
Hyren: As for you... *Pulls lever and
a trapdoor opens, a man walks out with a mask and tights*
ItachiUchiha: *Thinking* A gimp?
*Man walks into the
El Excretio: Aye aye aye! *Is a Lucha Libre wrestler*
*Mexican hat dance plays*
ItachiUchiha: The fuck?!
*Is thrown into the wall*
El Excretio: AHAHAHA! ¿Que pasa? *Flexes*
Hyren: *Walks into back room and closes door*
OW! I gotta get free.
Sny: *Rocks in an old chair, playing the banjo; Laughing hickishly* Eeehee-hee-hee-heeee-haw!
ItachiUchiha: *Tries to break the ropes*
El Excretio: *Throws him again*
ItachiUchiha: *Realizes one
arm of the chair has broken, slides ropes off of the arm*
El Excretio: *Walks forward* AHAHAHA!
chair across Excretio's face, shattering it*
El Excretio: Buenos noches. *Passes out*
ItachiUchiha: *Frees self and
takes out the gag*... *Looks at Sny*
Sny: *Continues to rock, laugh, and pick* Ahee- *Banjo gets smashed over head*...
ItachiUchiha: Ha! *Goes upstairs but hears something*
Mizua: Why do you need KY Jelly?....
Why are you pulling my pants down?..... Why are you pulling YOUR pants down?!.... Fuck... NO, NOT LITERALLY!
ItachiUchiha: Nobody deserves that... Except for maybe Hitler and K-Fed.... Definately K-Fed. *Looks around the
shop* Knife?... Too short. *Looks* Bat?... Not strong enough. *Looks* Fully-loaded machine gun?... That'd work, but it's a
little flashy, ya know. *Looks* .... Aha! *Smiles*
Belmont: *Is humping away*
OW-AH! HOW FUCKING LONG DO YOU NEED?! OWWW! OH COME ON, YOU'RE DONE, I could feel it five minutes ago!
*Turns* Huh? *Is mauled by a bear* AHHHH!
Bear: RRAAAAWWWWRRRGGGGH! *Claws Hyren violently*
Hyren: OH GOD! AHHHHHH!
*Is ripped apart*
Mizua: *Pulls up pants and straddles over to ItachiUchiha* Ow.... Thanks.
Yeah. Luckily I knew their only weakness... Getting eaten by bears.
Mizua: .... *Glances at him*
Belmont: *Gets tackled
by bear* AHHHHHHH!
ItachiUchiha: .... What now?
Mizua: Us? We're done. This shit never happened. You get the hell out
of here, and we never speak of this to nobody.
ItachiUchiha: .... That was a double negati-
*Runs out and finds a motorcycle; rides away*
Wife: *Gets on* Where will we go?
ItachiUchiha: I don't know,
but we'll be fine.
Wife: *Reads the side of the bike* Who's Fonzie?
ItachiUchiha: ..... Nobody.... Nobody. *Rides off*
*Runs to where the bike was, just a second too late* Ah! *Yelling* GO SIT ON IT!.... Jerk.
*Scene fades out to the theme
of "Happy Days"*
MushroomStomp: *Holds the gun, out of bullets*
.... *Looks at self*... *Looks to Bartimeaus*
Bartimeaus: *Looks to MetalGear; they both look to MushroomStomp*
raise their guns and blow him away*
Bartimeaus: Holy shit...
MetalGear: Yeah, how lucky were we?
That ain't fucking luck! The bullets went right through us!
Bartimeaus: *Look at the bullet holes*
*Looks at wall*
*The wall is filled with holes, every inch of it*
MetalGear: .... Your point?
Bartimeaus: ... It
is im-fucking-possible to for all of those bullets to make that type of contact with the wall, without a single one touching
us. This wasn't luck. This is devine intervention.
MetalGear: I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM GOD-DAMMIT! *Smokes*
.... DIVINE intervention.
Bartimeaus: .... Help from God.
MetalGear: Oh!..... That's bull.
Then how do you explain this?
MetalGear: ... Solar winds.
Bartimeaus: ... Solar winds?
MetalGear: ... Yes.
Solar fucking winds? Solar winds which are formed on the sun, which have the vast emptiness of space to travel through, this
one happened to somehow, travel into this apartment, and distort the path of all of those bullets, at that very second.
Bartimeaus: What about the fact that some of these bullets are floating in mid-air? *Picks up a bullet, which
is just floating there*
MetalGear: .... That's reasonable.
Bartimeaus: And what about this? *Points to grafitti on the
*Grafitti reads: "Jesus was here, and saved your ass."*
MetalGear: .... That-.... That was there before.
.... *Walks to the door* Serbitar, come with us.
MetalGear: *Looks around*... *Chuckles* That Bart; crazy... *Laughing*
divine.... inter-... interde-... interdemension.
Jesus: *Walks around behind MG*.... *Eats a Cheez-It*... *Vanishes*
*Walks out, oblivious*
*Later, in car*
MetalGear: *In passenger's seat* Maybe.... Maybe we're in the Matrix.
We're not in the goddamn matrix.
MetalGear: God-dammit Bart-
Bartimeaus: Don't use blasphemy!
MetalGear: .... You
just said "goddamn matrix" 2 seconds ago!
Bartimeaus: JESUS CHRIST! I KNOW WHAT I GODDAMN SAID! I'M ASKING YOU NOT TO USE
THE LORD'S GODDAMN NAME IN VAIN!..... Mary mother of Jesus...
Bartimeaus: ... I'm retiring after this.
Oh come on!
Bartimeaus: No, I'm quittin'.
MetalGear: *Looks in the back seat* Serbitar, what do you think?
MetalGear: Oh, hang on, you have a fly on your nose. *Points gun and
*Blood splatters everywhere*
Bartimeaus: WHAT THE FUCK!?
MetalGear: *Spits out a chunk of flesh, which has
flown in his mouth* Damn! I must've missed.
Bartimeaus: DID YOU JUST TRY TO FUCKING SHOOT A FLY OFF A MAN'S FACE?!
I wasn't thinking!
Bartimeaus: Oh my God! Did your mother drop you as a child?!
MetalGear: Twice.... why?
MetalGear: And there was that time, when my dad accidently left me in the washing machine, during heavy rinse.
O_o.... I know a guy around here. We'll head to his house. *Turns*
*Bartimeaus is in a kitchen, sort of cleaned up, but his clothes are
still soaked with blood*
Bartimeaus: Man, we really appreciate this. *Drinks coffee*
Bartimeaus: Damn. This is some
good shit. I believe I taste some whiskey in here, too.
Vdg X: *In a bathrobe, staring, angrily* ......
I mean.... we would've been happy with regular coffee.
MetalGear: *Walks in; a toilet is flushing as he enters* Damn. Don't
go in your bathroom for awhile. I couldn't find any paper, but don't worry, I found a towel.
Vdg X: ....
Ummm... *Nervous laugh* I mean this is-
Vdg X: Cut the shit. I know how good the fucking coffee is... I know that I put
whiskey in it. That's not what concerns me. What concerns me is the dead fucker in my garage.
Let me ask you, when you drove up did you see a sign that said, "Dead Fucker Storage?"
Vdg X: Did you
see the fucking sign, that said, "Dead Fucker Storage?"
Bartimeaus: ... V, we d-
Vdg X: Answer the damn question! Did
you see the sign that said, "Dead Fucker Storage?!"... You know why you didn't see that sign?.... Cause you ran it the fuck
over, when you pulled into my lawn! Now I gotta go out there, and fix that fucking sign, which I don't even know why I have
any more. Because I DON'T FUCKING STORE DEAD FUCKING FUCKERS ANYMORE!!!
Vdg X: NO! If my fucking wife
comes home, she is going to hand my balls to me in a box!
Bartimeaus: When did you get married?
Vdg X: 2 years ago,
and thanks for not coming to the wedding asshole!
Bartimeaus: I'm sorry, something came up.
Vdg X: YOU WERE THE FUCKING
Bartimeaus: .... Oh yeah.
Vdg X: Now, I'm gonna get divorced, cause you hide a corpse in my garage! Make some
calls, get the fuck outta here!
*At a fancy pool party*
Mizua: *Picks up phone* Yeah?.... Oh shit.....
Yes, we do have a problem..... I don't know..... I'll send, "Him"..... Yes, him..... Right. Bye..... Well, we don't really
have time.... No, I like talking to you..... Well, tell MG I said Hi too..... That's really none of your business..... We
don't have time for this.....
*He hangs up and picks up a newspaper*
Mizua: *Reads* Ah, my horoscope.... "You will recieve
an unexpected romance soon".... Hmmm... Nice.
Mizua: *Over phone* Can you handle it?
Brick: Waffle Drive,
right? That's a 40 minute drive. I'll be there in 10.
9 minutes and 59 seconds later...
Brick: *Gets out of car
and looks at watch* Fuck, I am good! *Walks into house*
Brick: Okay. You must be Vdg.
Vdg X: Yeah.
And your wife is coming home in an hour?
Vdg X: Yeah.
Brick: And I imagine she does not want to find a corpse in her
Vdg X: Well.... Not that corpse.
Brick: ..... Right. Gentlemen, let's get to work.
*In the garage, Brick
inspects the car, which is covered in blood and guts*
Brick: Shit... Looks like the car I lost my virginity in... One shot
Bartimeaus: *Annoyed voice* Somebody shot him 5 more times, because he doesn't
like walking around with a clip unless it's full.
MetalGear: ... It bothers me.
Brick: .... Riiiiight. You two, get
to work scrubbing out all of the guts, don't worry about the stains from the blood...... and what appears to be semen.
I told you I heard him jacking off back there.
Bartimeaus:: Yeah, yeah.
Brick: Now, once you get all of the messy parts
out, you gotta clean those windows. Really good.... well... Which is it?
Bartimeaus: I think it's "well".
No, that's a big fish.
All: *Stare at MG*
MetalGear: .... It IS a fucking fish!
Brick: *Cough* ... Anyway, you two
get it clean. Vdg, come with me. *They leave*
Bartimeaus: *Gets a sponge*
MetalGear: *Gets a swiffer*
X: These sheets are really expensive.
Brick: Yeah, but we need em to cover the blood.
Vdg X: But-
Brick: Vdg, why
don't- *Takes out a roll of $100 bills and starts counting out several of them* you take some money and buy a new tv... A
big ass, flat-screen TV. I like Panasonic myself, how about you.
Vdg X: *Watches him count out more money* .... Panasonic's
*MG and Bart are cleaning the car quickly*
*Scrubs out the seats and puts the body in the trunk* There. How you coming?
MetalGear: *Cleans hood*
Was there blood on the hood?
MetalGear: ..... No.
Bartimeaus: THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CLEANING THE HOOD?!
.... There were bugs on it.
*Vdg X and Brick walk in*
Brick: That's good. Now follow me outside.
head into the backyard*
Brick: Strip to your underwear.
*They do so*
Bartimeaus: *Strips to boxers* Now-
MetalGear: *Wearing a bright red thong* ..... What?
Brick: .... Ummm.... *Hoses them off*
Geeze that's cold!
Brick: *Turns off water*
Vdg X: *Throws them some clothes and they put them on*
cut-off jeans and a tank-top*.... You gotta be kidding.
MetalGear: *Wearing tight leather pants and a t-shirt, reading
"Slut"* .... It's breezy. *Stretches*
Vdg X: .... You guys look like a couple of.... something that even RIO won't let
*Outside of an impound*
.... Does this shirt clash?
Bartimeaus: *Glares angrily*
MetalGear: .... Yes?
Brick: *Walks out with a mechanic*
Boys, it's all taken care of.
Livewire420: *Wipes hands on his pants* Yeah i- *Looks at their clothes*... Ummm, it's all
taken care of.
MetalGear: The car?
Livewire420: Um, we scrapped it.
MetalGear: ... Was that necessary?!
No, we put it on the wrong list. *Walks back inside*
Brick: Well, I'm off. See you guys later. *Gets in
Bartimeaus: How about a li- *Dirt spins in his face*
*The car speeds off*
Bartimeaus: ... Isn't that just wonderful....
FUCKING PERFECT! *Kicks ground*
MetalGear: ... I'm hungry. Wanna go to IHOP?
MetalGear: .... Yeah,
I'm going to IHOP. *Walks away*
Bartimeaus: ..... *Follows*
*In a diner, MetalGear has a plate of waffles
and sausage, Bartimeaus has a plate of pancakes and bacon*
MetalGear: *Pours syrup* .... You gonna eat that bacon?
Nah. *Gives it to him*
MetalGear: You Jewish?
Bartimeaus: No, I'm trying to cut back on grease. It's bad for you.
Bullshit. The grease thing is just a scam. *Bites bacon, grease pouring from mouth*
Bartimeaus: ... Maybe.
..... *Hits chest* .... Sorry, my heart stopped for a second.
Bartimeaus: .... You know, I'm still bothered by that little
MetalGear: Dammit, Bart! It was Mardi Gras, I thought you were supposed to jump on the floats!
not that. I've made my peace with that.
MetalGear: ... Oh... Good. *Chuckles* Stole that asshole's beads.
That was Snoop Dogg.
MetalGear: .... So?
Bartimeaus: Anyway, I'm thinking of the miracle this morning.
Bartimeaus: Do you even know what a miracle is?
MetalGear: Hockey movie..... With Kurt Russell.
*Slaps forehead* You dumb mother-... NO! A miracle is an event in which God interferes so that his plans will continue in
MetalGear: Blah, blah, blah... So you're really gonna quit?
Bartimeaus: Yep. Maybe become someone important,
like a dentist, or a figure-skater.
MetalGear: What if you wind up broke?
Bartimeaus: I can dig into our "Cuss Jar".
shot to a bucket, filled to the rim with $100 bills*
MetalGear: Oh yeah.... Well I think it's silly.
can, but I think it is God's will.
MetalGear: ..... I'm bored. I'm gonna go masturbate in the restroom. *Gets up and exits*
Bartimeaus: *Drinks coffee*
Alright! *Pointing gun* Everybody be cool!
Bartimeaus: .... Un-fucking-believable.
Shelby: *Screaming comically* ALLUVYOUPUNKSBETTAHLISTENORELSEI'LLKILLEVERYLASTONEOFYOU!!!
*Gets out wallet and puts it on the table*
Shadow: *Collects people's wallets* Alright, this is good.
into the kitchen*
*Crashing and banging*
Shadow: Holy shit! Is everything alright?
Shelby: I ran right into the fucking
Shadow: .... Right. *Goes to Bartimeaus* What's in the briefcase?
Bartimeaus: Your mama.
Shadow: WHAT?! *Points
gun at his face*
Bartimeaus: *Chuckles* That's funny, cause while you were distracted I was able to get out my gun. *Reveals
pistol under the table.... Ha*
Shadow: .... *Sits down and drops the gun*
Bartimeaus: I'm gonna open this briefcase...
You look inside.
Shelby: *Walks out* I got so-... *Points gun* OH MY GOD!
Bartimeaus: *Opens case*
MetalGear: *Grunting repeatedly, oblivious to the chaos outside*
*In the diner*
Shadow: Is that what
I think it is?
Bartimeaus: Yep. Amazing isn't it?
Shadow: It's beatiful.
Shelby: *Still fidgeting,
pointing gun around*
Bartimeaus: Now let's be like Mr. T.... What is Mr. T like?
Shelby: He-he's... uhh...
I'm cool, fool. *Leaves*
Bartimeaus: Right... Now normally, both of you would be dead. But today, my life
has changed... Today I witnessed a-
MetalGear: *Walks out of bathroom*... HOLY FUCK! *Takes out gun and shoots Shadow and
Shadow: *Hit in the ass* AHHHHHHHH! *Falls down*
Shelby: *In the leg* OH MY GOD! *Falls, shooting the manager*
MetalGear: *Shoots two pedestrians*
Shelby: *Fires at MetalGear, but hits another guy behind him*
wriggles around on the floor*
Bartimeaus: HOLY SHIT!..... WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!
MetalGear: .... *Empties
clip into the ceiling*... I don't know...
Bartimeaus: .... *Looks at everyone, moaning on the floor, the place is filled
MetalGear: .... I think we should go.
Bartimeaus: ... Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
*The two walk
out, with the briefcase, and into the sunset*
Shelby: .... What was in the case? *Grimaces at wound*
Shadow: ... It
was the most amazing thing ever... it was- *Gets shot in arm* AHHHHHHHH!
Bartimeaus: *Distant* Dammit, MG!
*Walks into a nasa-like room*
Bartimeaus: *Walking* Morning everybody.
Keep looking at those rythems. We might find something.
Guy: *Runs by crying* We're all gonna die!
Bartimeaus: ... Well,
we all are some day. *Keeps walking*
Woman: GOD HELP US! *Runs out the door*
Bartimeaus: ... That's right, Mary... Keep
Joe: Bart! What are we gonna do?
Bartimeaus: The same thing we always do. Look at those boring as mathematical
equations and try to find life in the galaxy. *Drinks a soda*
Joe: .... You don't know?
Bartimeaus: .... What?
*Turns on tv*
ahahahaMOO: And that's how my visit to the gynocolegist went. In other news, large space-ships float over
large sections of RI today... So, you might want to fill out those life insurance forms.
Bartimeaus: .... Holy shit.
MetalGear: *Operates a crane*
*Shot shows, that he is actually
playing tetris using real cargo boxes*
MetalGear: Ah, new high score. *Gets out of crane and starts walking*
.... MG! You were supposed to put that shit on the boat! NOT PLAY TETRIS!
MetalGear: *Chuckles* You got that right!
MetalGear: That's what my ex-wife tells me.
Foreman: You aren't listening to a damn word I say.
Keep it up, man! See you monday.
Foreman: YOU'RE FIRED, YOU ASSHOLE!
MetalGear: I love you too! *Walks home, where his
Ex-Wife: Listen, I'm going to Vegas, and you have to take the kids.
MetalGear: Oh come on, I don't like
Ex-Wife: Too bad, I need some me-time. You know... Gambling, drinking, getting a boob-job, and premiscuous sexuality.
Well, I need to do those things too.
Ex-Wife: Grow up. *Calls to the kids* CAROLINA!
Carolina: *Walks up* Hi, dad.
Numb-Nuts: ... *Listening to Simple Plan on his iPod*... You don't understand me!!!!! *Run upstairs crying*
.... I hate these fucking kids.
Carolina: ... I'm right here.
MetalGear: Oh.... Well... Daddy always loves you.
... You just said you ha-
MetalGear: Hey! Let's get some ice cream out of the fridge!
Brick Elite: Uhm... Sir. I think we better address the board on
the whole-er... Alien ship, matter.
FireCrotch: Right, right. Let's have a news conference.
*Cut to shot of Mizua at
Mizua: Weeeeeell, let's take some questions.
*Reporters all try to get attention*
Reporter: Sir, what is
FireCrotch doing about this?
Mizua: Well, right now I'd imagine he's in the White House filling out forms, and talking
to big important people.
Reporter: What do the aliens look like?
Mizua: Like, us, but darker-skinned and they tend to
Reporter: What is the intent of the aliens?
Mizua: We can't comment on our theories at this time. But
on a completely unrelated note, it would be nice if you could fill out the funeral information forms you've been issued.
What is the official stance on shooting firearms at the ships from the ground.
Mizua: It won't do any good, and it'll probably
piss them off... But, it's the thought that counts.
Reporter: Are you delcaring a state of alarm?
Mizua: No, but I really
*At old crappy house, the sky is filled with dark clouds
and the wind is blowing*
MetalGear: *Walks out* That is so weird... The wind is blowing away from the storm.
That's how it's supposed to work.
MetalGear: .... Shut up.
Numb-Nuts: *Walks out* Dad, I hate you! And my iPod is out
of batteries! Take me to Wal-Mart.
MetalGear: Maybe I should just tell all of your friends, that you're sixteen and haven't
hit puberty yet!
Carolina: *Giggles* Really?
Numb-Nuts: Uhh... SHUT UP!
MetalGear: Last night, I caught him trying
to glue hair to his crotch.
Carolina: Oh my God! *Laughs* How small is it?
MetalGear: Honestly it's like your little
Numb-Nuts: SHUT UP! I HATE ALL OF YOU!
*Lightning strikes near them*
It's alright, Lightning doesn't strike the same plac-
*Numb-Nets gets struck*
up... having a massive afro*.... What?
*Lightning strikes like crazy as they run inside*
MetalGear: *Goes to tv*
In other news, alien attacks with lightning and and stuff... Freaky ass shit.
MetalGear: Alien attack! OH MY GOD! *Grabs
a gun and goes to the door* Kids! Come on!
Carolina: What is it?
MetalGear: Alien attack, we have to go.
That's stupid! You're stupid dad! *Lightning strike roof* SAVE ME, DAD!
*They all run outside and into the car*
*Turns key and car sputters* .... My God!... The aliens must've destroyed our ignitions!
Carolina: *Looks at EMPTY light
on dash above the gas*... Umm... Dad. *Points*
MetalGear: .... Oh. Well, let's go steal a car. *They all run out*
kids run to a service station as MetalGear stops and looks around*
MetalGear: ... I wonder if-
What the hell was that?
*Unipod hops around the town*
MetalGear: OH MY GOD!..... Wow... one leg... that seems kind of
like a bad idea.
Unipod: *Shoots lasers at people*
Man: AHHHHH! *Gets vaporized*
Woman: AHHHHH! *Clothes get vaporized
down to her underwear*.... *Covers bra* Heeeeey! *Gets vaporized*
MetalGear: O_O *Runs, along with a crowd of a hundred
Guy: *Running along side him* Hey, that's weird. Everyone seems to be being vaporized except for you. Why
MetalGear: *Running* One of the perks of being a main character.
Guy: Oh. *Gets vaporized; Sand remaints fly
into MetalGear's face*
MetalGear: *Coughing* AUGH!... Right in the eyes!... *Continues running*
*Laser hits random pedestrians*
Dammit! *Runs to service station and gets in the car with the kids* Whose is it?
Carolina: Some old lady we beat to death.
.... Alright then.... Disturbing. *Starts car and drives off*
Numb-Nuts: *Is in the back seat by himself* Those aliens
don't understand me. They only try to- *Pants get vaporized*
Carolina: *Looks back* .... *Bursts into laughter*
Carolina: Your pubes are red!
Numb-Nuts: .... THAT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF PEOPLE!
MetalGear: Wait, did you
use that clown wig I got you last halloween!? AHAHAHA!
Numb-Nuts: SHUT UP!
Carolina: That is ridiculous.
Yeah... well... A lot of girls like it. *Pube get vaporized*
Carolina: *Looks back again*... Okay, even if they liked the
red pubes I think the half-incher right there might turn them off *Laughs hysterically*
Numb-Nuts: ... *Covers ears and
starts humming Simple Plan lyrics loudly*
*Bartimeaus is going into a big garage*
is amazing! Think of the possibilities!
Joe: One city's already been attacked!
Bartimeaus: I'm sure those were other
aliens. These are the good ones. They just cooincidently showed up on the same day.
Joe: That's the stupidest thing I've
Bartimeaus: *Puts a bag in his trunk and turns on his laptop* I wonder if.... Oh my God! They're using Wi-Fi!
Joe: Why would they use Wi-Fi.
*Cut to shot of scaly green hands playing Tetris DS online*
*Back to Bartimeaus*
Bartimeaus: Wait... They're sending messages in binary. If I translate
them. *Clicks around* There!
1: hay d00d wuts^?
2: not much. u?
1: jus da usual d0g.
2: i hear ya
here that code u need
1: u get that email yesterday?
2: the porn? yeah that was cool
Bartimeaus: Why would they need to send this coding?
Joe: Why would their use of binary translate back
Bartimeaus: *Clicks* Here it is..... Oh.... My.... God.... It's a timer.
Joe: For what?
don't want to think about it.
Joe: What now?
Bartimeaus: Get the hell out of the city. I got to get to FireCrotch.
FireCrotch? Bart, you remember what happened last time?
Bartimeaus: I'm sure he's forgotten that?
Joe: You got drunk
and shat on his girlfriend!
Bartimeaus: Time changes people, I'm sure.
Joe: *Gets in his car* Well, when does the timer
Bartimeaus: Tonight. So, get out of here.
*Joe drives off*
Bartimeaus: I gotta get to the White House... I should
probably pick up dad, too.
Meanwhile... In a strip club.
Stripper: *Puts on earring* This is my first night.
Are you nervouse. *Applies perfume*
Stripper: Yeah... How long have you done this?
Wife: 5 years. It's how I met my
Stripper: What's your name?
Stripper: ... Strange name.
Part7: Well what's yours?
Part7: .... That's your birth-name?
Stripper: Nah, I changed it to this, I was too embarassed from my first
Stripper: What was it?
Stripper: Drunkenprsostitute.... It's Polish.
Belmont: *Is in a locker room at a base* If
these aliens attack us... I'm gonna be all like- AW HELL NAW! *Immitating gunfire* WELCOME TO RI! *Explosion sounds* Oh I
know you didn't shoot that green shit at me!
snydfd83: Yeah, man. I'm gonna build like a gun... that shoots boots... So
I can be like... "I'm shoving a boot up your ass!" And then do it! Without getting out of the plane.
Belmont: Hey. *Hands
him cigar* When the fat lady sings.
snydfd83: Right. *Inspects cigar* Hey... This isn't a cigar!
Belmont: .... It's
a Jamaican cigar.
Bartimeaus: *Is weaving through traffic*
*Jewish stereotype* Whatzit? Take the tunnel why don't you?
Bartimeaus: Dad, the tunnels are blocked even worse.
I really wish you wouldn't call me dad.... It freaks me out.
Bartimeaus: Well, you were married to my mother for a month.
Oy vei, we were drunk, it was an accident.
Bartimeaus: Whatever, anyway we have to get to the White House.
You know, one of those ships positioned itself over the White House.
Bartimeaus: I know. And we're gonna be in trouble
if we don't get there in time.
rom_maniac: Why don't you take the tunnel?
Bartimeaus: .... Are you serious?.... I just
explained that like... 5 seconds ago.
rom_maniac: ... Shut up.
*The family is riding in the car*
Numb-Nuts: *Has taken off his shirt and is using it for pants*
Carolina: For crying-out-loud! Either staple the
neck hole closed or cross your legs!
Numb-Nuts: .... *Clenches the neck hole together*
Carolina: .... I have to pee.
MetalGear: Fine. *Pulls over and gets out*
*The kids get out*
Carolina: Don't you think about peeking!
*Vomits* Oh! God... First off, you're my daughter, second your eyes look like they'd pop out if someone hit you in the back
of the head hard enough. I do not want to watch you pee.
Carolina: ... A "No," would've been fine. *Walks off*
Numb-Nuts: *Pulls neck-hole open*
MetalGear: *Goes* Ahhh.... *Looks over to Numb-Nuts*
in an odd, wide sputtering spray, instead of a stream*
MetalGear: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Numb-Nuts: ... What?
That is just...
*Urine-spray starts to sputter rapidly*
MetalGear: O_O.... *Zips up and walks away*
Numb-Nuts, I swear to God, if you looked, I'm ripping your fu-
Carolina: It's not that! Come quick.
to her and finds a body beached by a stream* Eww...
Carolina: *Is shaking*
MetalGear: Go to the car.
*Walks over to it and looks around* .... *Takes the guy's wallet* Hehehe... *Pushes him downstream*
*He goes to the car
and they continue*
*Shot of a cropduster flying
around over a field*
HiFiSi: *Piloting* WHOOOOOOO! *Drops pesticides* Hahaha.... *Lands* A job well-done.
What the hell are you doing?
HiFiSi: Just finishing up.
Son: You idiot! You were supposed to dust at the Leelens' place!
You just dusted the wildlife sanctuary.
HiFiSi: Huh? *Looks over*
Deer: .... *Coughs and falls over*
to have a seizure*
*Butterflies catch on fire*
HiFiSi: .... Shit.... *Opens a flask and drinks*
*Later at a diner*
*Sits alone, drinking*
*A group laughs at him*
who: You'd be a hell of a pilot if you ever sober up enough to know where
HiFiSi: I fly better when I'm *hic* drunk.
who: Were you drinking when the aliens abducted
HiFiSi: *Defensive* It happened!
who: *To everyone else* He was on the Rosie O'Donnel show one time.
He's convinced he was abducted.
HiFiSi: *Shivering* It wasn't human.
FireCrotch: Well, maybe
we can put up a big umbrella... and people will just forget it's there.
Brick Elite: Uhh... Sir, two men just entered the
building. We couldn't stop er- them.
FireCrotch: .... This is the White House... We can't stop two unarmed men?
rom_maniac: Oi! The White House... this, I like.
FireCrotch: Oh God! Get him
out of my face!
Bartimeaus: You have to listen to me.
FireCrotch: Why? So you can shit on all of us!?
... That was a misunderstanding. But this is an emergency!
FireCrotch: .... This better be good.
Bartimeaus: I picked
up the alien's code. It's a timer.
FireCrotch: A timer for what?
Bartimeaus: We can only imagine... But it's probably
gonna kill all of us.
FireCrotch: Yes, there was that one attack earlier. When does the timer end?
Bartimeaus: In like
FireCrotch: Holy hell! Brick, Bart, Jewish Sterotype...
FireCrotch: Lieutenant Shaft,
advisors, asshole who's gonna almost fuck everything up later in the story, all of you get on Air Farce One!
Mizua!..... You umm.... stay here and watch the fort. *Runs to the plane*
Mizua: *Looks up at alien ship* .... Screw it.
*Gets in car and leaves*
Part7: *Puts on
Stripper: You should come to the, "Let's all get on the building directly under the mysterious spaceship that we
know nothing about, I'm sure it'll be okay," party we're having.
Part7: I don't think so. I'm still scared by those things.
Well I'm going.
Part7: Okay. *Gets up*
Stripper: .... Wait, you think it's going to kill us, but you have no objection
for me going?
Part7: .... Yeah, pretty much. *Walks out and drives away*
Stripper: .... *Puts on shirt* Bitch.
in a rural area...
VE_hystrix: *Sits on couch reading the Weekly World; Headline reads, "Who's wrong now, bitch?"*
*From outside, in the distance* DAAAAAAAD!
VE_hystrix: Wha?! *Jumps up and runs outside*
*VE_hystrix looks around, she
VE_hystrix: The hell?
Jon Ace: *Runs up* What's going on?
VE_hystrix: I'm not sure. *They run through
Man in Suit: A cornfield, perhaps? Or maybe our two heroes have just frollicked through a field that leads
down a one way road... straight to... The Twilight Z- *Gets run into by the others* Ow!
Jon Ace: STAY OUT OF OUR FUCKING
YARD, FRED! *Continues to run*
VE_hystrix: *Finds his son and daughter* What is-.... *Notices the massive crop circles*
Jon Ace: .... Those bastards fucked up our corn!.... DAMMIT! What are we gonna eat with our chicken now?
*Stares at Jon*
Jon Ace: .... Oh yeah... the circle's weird too.
One is taking off*
FireCrotch: How much longer do we have?
Bartimeaus: *Opens laptop* ....
All your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive, make your time.
Bartimeaus: *Looks up* .... Time's up.
House explodes as they take off*
*Everyone is partying
on a big building in the city*
Woman: Take me!
Man: Was Star Trek real?
Stripper: WHOOOOOO! Aliens! *Drinks*
All in unison: Oh shit.
Man: That's odd. That
saucer looks different than the rest.
Woman: You idiot, that's not the aliens. That's just Pizzaman13.
*On the inside
of the saucer, banjo music is playing*
Pizzaman13: Whoooo-doggies! I done went and got be a flyin' saucer! I wonder what
this button does? *Presses*
*Mounment is destroyed*
*Drives down empty roads in darkness, until suddenly he comes to a crowd of people* Huh?
*People jump on car and try to
Numb-Nuts: *Spray comes out of neck-hole in shirt*
MetalGear: .... *Takes out gun and
gets out of car* GET THE HELL AWAY! I stole this fair and square!
MushroomStomp: *Points his gun* Too bad! I need a car!
*Gets out knife* Oh yeah?... Wait... Knife... gunfight.... Oh sh- *Gets shot*
MushroomStomp: Just step away from the car.
and Carolina get out*
MushroomStomp: ... Why is your boy wearing a shirt for pants?
MetalGear: Long story. *Pulls back
MushroomStomp: Bring it o-
Twilightfan: *Starts car* AHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Drives off*
MetalGear: .... What an
Boatman: 3 more! Family's first!
MetalGear: A boat?! Come on! *The three run to the boat* It's just me and
Numb-Nuts: .... Ahem.
MetalGear: ... Oh, and him.
Boatman: Alright, get on.
*They get on the boat
as it leaves*
MetalGear: Well... I guess we're home free now.
*Suddenly a unipod knocks the boat over*
Aw, hell. *Gets knocked in the water*
A few minutes later...
*The three wash up on shore*
That was bad.
Numb-Nuts: Aww, I lost my shirt.
MetalGear: That's worse. Let's keep going.
*They walk through a vast
amount of fields*
there's an explosion*
MetalGear: Oh my God. They're bombing the place! We have to find shelter!
Numb-Nuts: No! I want
MetalGear: Stop being stupid! We can still...
Numb-Nuts: You watch! I'm gonna save everybody.
You're naked, you idiot.
Numb-Nuts: I know... The aliens won't expect that!
Numb-Nuts: *Runs toward
explosions* I'm gonna save humani- *Gets hit with a laser... burns down to skeleton and falls to pieces*
*Penis, lands unharmed at their feet*
MetalGear: Well.... That... kinda sucks.
up shotgun* In here. It's safe.
*They run to him and go into his cellar*
???: *Closes door*
X: Don't mention it. *Thunder*
Thanks for all the help.
Police-Woman: Don't worry, we'll question the Millers later, father.
VE_hystrix: I told you,
I'm not a clergyman anymore.
Police-Woman: Because you lost your faith?
VE_hystrix: No, they caught me stealing from
the tithes, and plus I went to the sacramental wine bin and I-
Police-Woman: I get it!.... Sheesh. *Gets in car and leaves*
*Notices car in driveway*... *Walks to it*
Gruntlord1331: *Sits, clutching the wheel* Hello, father.
VE_hystrix: I told
you, those tests came back negative.
Gruntlord1331: ... Oh... I want to apologize about that night.
Gruntlord1331: No, it was inexcusable...
VE_hystrix: *Goes down road in car*
Wow, this has been such a depressing day. Banned from the church, got that $5000 fine, the electricity got turned off, I stepped
in dog crap, I wonder what else can go wrong?
Police-Woman: *Flags him down* .... Umm... VE.... It's Shelby.
What's a matter? *Gets out*
Police-Woman: The car... hit her... into a tree.
like this... *Pulls out hotdog*
VE_hystrix: NO NO NO!... They already did this joke in Scary Movie 3.
.... Oh... Well, maybe you should just talk to her.
*He walks down the road*
Policeman: What exactly were you doing?
Well... You ever see that Red Skelton skit, "Pedestrian Polo?"
Shelby: *Cough* I'm dying VE.
*Looks at car* .... No shit.
Shelby: Promise me you'll take care of the kids.
VE_hystrix: Yeah, I'll take care of....
umm *Thinks of their names*.... them.
Shelby: And tell Jon to *Cough* Swing like shit.
VE_hystrix: Of course.
Oh, and I think I might've left the iron on, check it when you get back.
VE_hystrix: ..... Right.
Shelby: Give me one
last kiss. *Cough* HACK! *Blood pours out of mouth*
VE_hystrix: O_o.... What's a kiss, more than a handshake?
I'll live as long as the car-
*Car backs up and she falls apart*
VE_hystrix: O_O OH MY GOD! Grunt! What the hell?!
*In car* .... Were you not done?... I really wanna go home and watch Mama's Family.
.... You're right you were an asshole.
Gruntlord1331: Yeah... *Is about to back up* Oh by the way, I caught one of the
aliens in my bathroom... He can't open the door. *Backs out*.... *Distant* Oooh!
Woman: AHHHH! *Smack*
VE_hystrix: .... *Goes back inside*
Jon Ace: *Watching TV in a tin foil hat*
VE_hystrix: Don't tell me
you actually think that'll help?
Jon Ace: What?.... No I bought this at Sears. I thought it looked cool.
Jon Ace: Look at this.
*TV shows wreckage of cities*
VE_hystrix: My God.
Jon Ace: Keep watching.
saucers floating in the air*
Jon Ace: A few minutes ago, they turned invisible. And a bird flew into one of them, and then
they went visible, and the same bird flew into them again.
Jon Ace: ... Y-yeah... They think the bird
might've breathed in lead poisoning... and it messed up its head.
VE_hystrix: .... Alright.
Jon Ace: What'll we do?
... Let's go to Home Depot.
Jon Ace: Yeah! They have those new lawn mowers with the two levers, instead of the wheel. They're
really comfortable, and fa-
VE_hystrix: No you idiot. We need supplies.
Jon Ace: ..... Oh.
*At air base*
Sickler: *At the front of the room, explaining the mission* Gentlemen, our people have been
killed... Our cities have been exploded... Where will it end?.... With them talkin' jive about our mamas?
Man: *Jumps up*
OVER MY DEAD BODY!
Sickler: We will lead a frontal assault using all aircraft at our disposal.
We finally get some action.
Sickler: ... Something to talk about Belmont?
Belmont: Just anxious to
get up there and drop a toaster is Alf's bathtub.
Alf: .... Fuck you. *Eats a cat and leaves*
*An air fleet flies over the remaints of the city*
snydfd83: ... Don't worry man, I'm sure
Part7 got out alright.
Belmont: Yeah... But still...
Sickler: *On radio* You approaching the target. Activate your weapons.
*Switches* Missiles active.
Belmont: *Switches* Missiles active.
Spock: Phasers function, Captain.
get a clear view of the ship*
Belmont: On my lead. Wait until we get ridiculously close... So close it'll be difficult
Belmont: Ready..... FOX 1! *Launches*
snydfd83: FOX 1! *Launches*
All: FOX 1! *Launch*
McCloud: ME! *Launches*
Red Baron: After this, I'll make you all a pizza! *Launches*
*Missiles slowly approach*
Well, I guess, that's a mission wel-
*The missiles get activated near the ship, and have no effect*
Belmont: HOLY HELL!
They have shields!
snydfd83: Who would've thought an alien species with greatly advanced technologies could stop our missiles?
Everyone pull up!
*They all bank*
Belmont: Biggs! Pull up!
Biggs: ... Dammit, I can't believe this is happening again.
I never should've left Tatooine. *Crashes into shield*
Belmont: Damn! They're dropping like flies!
Pilot: Don't worry.
I got this. *Rises up, three-dimensionally*
snydfd83: How'd you do that? You completely defied gravity, inertia, and pretty
much all other physics.
Pilot: .... Oh shit. *Vanishes in a puff of logic*
Belmont: Aw hell naw!
Alien: *Shoots green
missiles at them*
Belmont: *Looks through, "English to Will Smith Dictionary"* I know you just did NOT shoot that green
shit at me!
Alien: *Locks on snydfd83*
Belmont: snydfd83! Get out of there! Wh-.... PUT YOUR MASK BACK ON!
*Is shaving* ... Hang on, I gotta get my sideburns. *Gets blown up*
Belmont: SNYDFD83!!!! ... Oh well. *Avoids the missiles*
RRRRRRRRGGGG! *Continues to fire*
Belmont: How do I kill this guy? ..... *Hits breaks and ejects*
*Flies into plane and crashes*
Belmont: *Lands and walks to the wreck* Alright. *Smokes cigar and opens the alien hatch*
Where are you.
Alien: *Pokes head out*
Belmont: *Punches the alien out* Welcome to RI, bitch! ..... Yeah, you gonna
get some. *Humps the alien* Yeah! YOU FEEL THAT! I FEEL IT! *Humps faster*
HiFiSi: *Drives down road in a camper* I knew them aliens would get us!
Son: Yeah... yeah.
I was right. *Drinks from flask*
Son: ... Maybe I should drive.
HiFiSi: Nonsense. *Camera reveals the camper is going
FireCrotch: I don't believe it. Brick, what's the report.
Brick Elite: Uhm, er- It appears, that the ummm....
Jesus! Will you quit with the Ted Kennedy crap?
Brick Elite: .... I was just trying to add some difference to the characters!
Serbitar: Sir, we should all just let the aliens rule us. It's only logical.
FireCrotch: .... How the hell is
Lieutenant Shaft: .... Their shields are strong. Our entire airforce was wiped-out.
rom_maniac: Oy vei.
You coulda stopped this.
FireCrotch: .... And how is that?
rom_maniac: That uhh... UFO you got in the base... what's
it called. Area 69.
FireCrotch: There is no area 69.
Serbitar: ... Actually.... that's kind of.... false.
.... Oh snap.
*VE_hystrix and Jon Ace are at a hardware store*
VE_hystrix: *Has a shopping cart full of wood and nails*
Where the hell is Jon?
Jon Ace: *Is arguing with an employee* Well, if the aliens make it through the perimeter, I want
to know what chainsaw would be the best. Tell me now, dammit!
Old Lady: .... Umm... I have to go help someone in home decor.
Jon Ace: Thanks a lot, ass-fuck!
Grizzles Old Employee: *Walks up to him* Well, I reckon that this model
would get jammed on the alien tissue. This one *Points* should be able to cut their squishy skin, real easy.
Jon Ace: .......
You.... are awesome..... I'm going to pay you $20... Just for... that awesome thing that you just said. *Hands him a twenty
and picks up the chainsaw*
A few minutes later...
Jon Ace: *Joins VE_hystrix*
VE_hystrix: Is the chainsaw
Jon Ace: It is more necessary than anything that has ever existed.
VE_hystrix: ...... Alright.
everything and drive*
VE_hystrix: .... I'm gonna pull over at Grunt's house real fast. *Pulls over*
Jon Ace: Okay...
He moved right? *Gets out*
VE_hystrix: *Gets out* Yeah, why?
Jon Ace: Dumbass left his lawn ornaments. And I'm takin'
VE_hystrix: .... Right. *Goes inside and looks around*
Jon Ace: *Picks up a garden gnome* .... Your name is Patches.
VE_hystrix: *Finds the door to the bathroom and notices shadow moving around the crack in the door* ..... *Grabs
a knife and looks under the crack*
.... *Hand reaches for knife*
VE_hystrix: AHHHHH! *Stabs hand.... his own hand* AUGH!
DAMMIT!... *Stabs again*
Alien: RAW! *Pulls hand back*
*VE_hystrix runs outside*
VE_hystrix: We're leaving! *Gets
in truck and starts it*
Jon Ace: *Throws lawn chairs and various ornaments in the back of the truck* .... Did he leave
anything else inside?
VE_hystrix: WE'RE LEAVING!
Jon Ace: .... You're right.... We can come back with the flat-bed.
Get more stuff. *Gets in*
Carolina: *Lies on couch* ...
MetalGear: You gonna be okay?
Carolina: ... This couch smells like sperm.
... Just get some sleep. *Walks away*
Vdg X: *Sits in a chair, drinking coffee* These aliens are something, aren't they?
Vdg X: You know.... This isn't a war.... It's an extermination.
Vdg X: They want our planet.
So they can use it... to build an intergalactic Starbucks. They don't think I know... but I know.
MetalGear: .... Alrighty
Vdg X: They'll exterminate us like mice... They'll capture us, and do tests... Make us wear little hats and run around
in their own versions of Stuart Little!
MetalGear: How did you come to this conclusion?
Vdg X: Think about... the clues
are all there.
MetalGear: .... What clues?
Vdg X: Well.... they attacked earth.... Earth is the 3rd planet. Pluto was
removed to make 8. Multiply 8 by 3. That gives you 24. 24 is a TV show, that stars Keifer Sutherland who worked with Michael
Douglas in "The Sentinel." Michael worked with Danny DeVito in "The War of the Roses." Danny DeVito worked with Michael J.
Fox in "Mars Attacks!" Which is an alien movie... cooincidence?... I think not. Michael J. Fox is the very same who voices......
MetalGear: *Sits with jaw opened* ..... Dude..... I wants some of what you've been smokin'.
Vdg X: You
can't deny the logic.
MetalGear: .... Yes, I very damn-well can. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
.... Maybe. But when we're all in little mazes, I'm not gonna share my cheese with nobody.
MetalGear: .... *Walks back
to the couch*
Area 69... The desert.
Man: Mr. President.
This is a clean enviroment. You'll need a suit.
FireCrotch: Up yours.
Man: As you wish sir. *Walks away with a cucumber*
*The doors open and they walk in to find hundreds of experiments in place*
Bartimeaus: .... Oh my God.
Suit: Just explain to me how you got here.
Man1: *In bathrobe* Look! I don't how we sodding got here! We just pressed the
button and... *Sigh* ... I hate Thursdays.
Man2: *Looks confused* Magrathea?
Man3: *Holding a towel* For the hundredth
Robot: Inside jokes are so depressing.
FireCrotch: My God... Why wasn't I told about this.
We didn't have to pay taxes on it if it wasn't established as existing.
Lieutenant Shaft: You couldn't tell the damn president?
... No, if we did.... It was a good idea at the time.
rom_maniac: Bah! I've seen better secret facilities. *Rubs finger
on desk* Look at this... Dust! Oy. Menorah, yamakah, etc.
Bartimeaus: Think of all the possibilities that this could hold.
I mean, we could develop a cure for the AIDs.
Serbitar: Actually we have.
Serbitar: .... We're gonna announce
Lieutenant Shaft: .... Have you guys invented a-
Serbitar: Soda that'll never go flat? Yes.
Serbitar: It's a Red Rock.